to want to have a talk about my feelings

[MyBusyWriter]

Hi everyone! I'm seeking advice on a situation with my mother-in-law. My husband and I graduated from grad school at the same time, and we've been married for 4 years after dating for 8. We have a very good relationship with his mum and see her often. Recently, she gave my husband a $1000 check for his graduation, and I texted her to thank her, assuming the gift was for both of us given our joint achievement, our marriage, and our close relationship. We've always been treated as a unit by her, and I thought she'd recognize our shared accomplishment. However, she replied saying the cash was actually just meant for my husband. What hurts me is that she explicitly stated it was for him only, and the fact that she didn't include me feels like a subtle distinction. Given our relationship and family dynamic, I didn't expect her to make this kind of separation. I'm very hurt to say the least because she made it a point to exclude me from the card and then explicitly stated in not so many words your graduation doesn't matter and I don't care about it and I don't want you to have any of the money. I'm also confused why she thinks my husband would keep $1000 from me and not share it given we both graduated.

AIBU to want to have a talk with her about my feelings?

I can tell you are really hurt by this, and it does seem thoughtless of MIL, but can you look on it that she meant to do a nice thing and it backfired, and try not to let it eat you up? If you generally have a nice relationship it's surely not worth letting it sour over this. She's even apologized! And your DH always assumed it was a shared gift and you will have a nice trip together to celebrate your joint graduation. Count your blessings OP.

You sound unhinged because you are so doggedly entitled. You don't sound hurt anyway, you sound raging and entitled and pigheaded.

What on earth has you being married got to do with what a parent wants to gift to their child?

I don’t even have kids, but you do not come across well in your posts, so maybe you don’t come across great in relation to your in laws?

It really doesn't have to be a competition on a normal basis.

I'm now more upset that I have loads of posters saying we should treat our marriage as if we could divorce any minute by saying his mom will be more important than me always. I was unaware he made vows to his mother, would be starting a family with her, Lying next to her at night etc...it's odd as I don't see that narrative anywhere else but on here that a man should put his mother before his wife I always see it the opposite way the advice given is put your wife before your mom. It's so hypocritical too because I highly doubt any of these women who are saying your mom comes before wife would be happy if their own husbands said they view their mom as more important than them

because we are a unit and once married you usually acknowledge them together and we graduated together. I am her DIL

OP, You asked for opinions from complete strangers with no skin in the game. Maybe you should stop repeating your point of view, and listen to others’ opinions.

you are going to cause harm if you keep going down this road. And your previous post is weird, talking about lying down etc.

Do you demand half of whatever your DH receives for his birthday, or for Christmas? Surely parents are allowed to give their children gifts, of their own, no matter their age?

This is weird.

She gave a gift to her son. That you’re his wife doesn’t mean he doesn’t have a relationship with her that is separate from his relationship with you. You each still exist as individuals even if part of a unit.

It wouldn’t occur to me to be offended by this as a wife.

OP you’re not respecting his rights to interdependence within your relationship. He is an individual separate to you despite being married & earning your degrees together. Yes it’s unusual for her not to have congratulated you separately in your own card, but she’s done nothing wrong & you’re blurring the boundaries. Unless of course you expect any birthday cards to you that are from your own family to include your DH as well, b’cos you come as a pair & do everything together? Clearly not. It is acceptable for individuals to be recognised & celebrated. I can see that his DM not congratulating you yourself is bad manners on her part though. Do you normally get on well with her?

I’ve read four very similar threads to this on MN recently - same topic, same cast of characters, same style - and deleted them, and feel the same, @ThePantherBee.

I’m only awake to take an antibiotic and some other treatment, and I thought, I wonder what’s trending on MN while I lie here letting this treatment infuse? And this is what’s happening 🫤😱

Fascinating to read your other thread where you state things like:

"And it gets even more complicated when it comes to showing appreciation for her son's accomplishments. If a mother wants to treat her son to something special for working hard or achieving a milestone, it's often viewed as undermining her DIL or not recognizing her efforts. Like, somehow, showing love and appreciation for her son is seen as a criticism of her DIL."

He received a card and thought it was for both of you.

He then opened and read the card, with you there, and realised that you were not mentioned on the card. ('Excluded' in your dramatic words.)

Stop pretending he was oh-so-confused about this and that he's to blame for the misunderstanding - he briefly made an assumption that was put right very quickly.

And yet you THEN decided to message her and thank her - that was a deliberately passive aggressive and provocative act.

Yeah, that’s one of the threads I remember!

A recent "graduate of grad school" who is also "mother to a young son and a young daughter"...

Fucking Hell. You sound insane.

I wouldn't say you're unreasonable, but you're wrong. It's a funny outcome in a society where women are still often expected to take care of the social correspondence. I assume the check was made out to your husband, but I wonder what the card said.

Your talking with her will solve nothing, and will only make her defensive, irritate her, and make her consider you as feeling overly entitled. Of course you're right that he would share it with you, but you won't gain anything my making the point to her. Your mind may well be brimming with all the excellent snippy retorts you could make, but I think you'd do better to try and forget it. It was rude of her not to let it pass, but there's a tiny chance something may have sunk in.

What I find most interesting is that you make no mention of your husband. Apparently it never occurred to HIM to call his mother and say: You know, you really hurt Mary's feelings.

For me,still, what it boils down to is your entitlement. I do t understand why you’re so pissed off that a mum is rewarding her son for something he’s achieved.

I spend many a time on here shaking my head at the shit women put up with and how crap many men can be in relationships.

But, in this case, I really can’t see what is wrong with a mum giving a gift to her son for a job well done. If your relationship with your OH is so great, surely it will benefit you both anyway? Or has she demanded proof that he spends it on himself?

Your assertion that a mother/child relationship diminishes upon marriage is misguided. Work n that, or it may come back to bite you in the future.

My guess is that she was annoyed at your presumption in thanking her for a gift she’d given her son, and if it hadn’t been for that she would not have said anything. She probably guessed he would share it with you but wasn't bothered about it until you thanked her. I can sort of understand why - it’s like you thanking her for a birthday present she’d sent her son.

All families are different. In mine it wouldn’t happen that parents would give their adult child a gift for academic achievement. It seems infantilising to me. But maybe she has different family traditions.

i would just say to her, sorry, I misunderstood as DH led me to believe it was a gift to both is us, then never mention it again. Of course there’s a "subtle distinction" in the way she treats you both. He's been her son his whole life!

Don't spoil your relationship with her by making a big deal out of this when it isn’t one.

Your sense of entitlement is a tad larger than the western world. You will end up divorced. You don’t listen and you slap down anyone who doesn’t share your point of view.

In addition, your attitude that now he has a wife you don’t like people referring to the fact that he is his mother’s son is very peculiar indeed. It says a lot about you, none of it good. Perhaps she has sensed this attitude and is reacting to it. If so I wouldn’t blame her.

A large proportion of marriages end in divorce, but he will always be her son.

Just because 'you are the nightmare DIL' or doesn't exempt her from treating her child.
you are incredibly entitled and money grabbing.

do you always barge your way into scenarios and throw your toys out of the pram?

I can't see this marriage lasting forever!

Aha is this the OP who wants everyone to know that their relationship is special and MIL is not acknowledging it? There is a poster who posts occasionally about minor things that the MIL has done (last time it was they had a chat on the phone, he asked for advice and she gave it). There is something very familiar about the writing style.
If so, no one and I mean no one one will convince the OP that she is not correct.