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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask my housemate if my boyfriend can stay over for the night?

233 replies

RealAquaCat · 23/09/2025 20:16

Hello!
So I’ve been living with a friend/work colleague for almost a year now after my last relationship broke down. It’s been working well and has allowed me time to save up a house deposit.
However, here is where it isn’t working so well…

I’ve been with my current boyfriend for several months, and most weekends I will stay at his house. He has stayed here 3 times in total, only when my housemate won’t be home. We live about 35 miles apart, and a few weeks back I asked my housemate if my partner could spend the night one Friday as it would help me out a lot since we had something planned close to our location the next morning. She responded by saying ‘are you okay to go to his house instead?’ I was a little confused as it didn’t seem like a big deal, and would have saved me a 70 mile return journey - but she basically told me no. I’m assuming it’s because she would be home that night.

I would like him to stay for a night this weekend, as again, we have something planned close by the next morning. However, now I feel really awkward about asking. I’m in my 30’s yet I feel like I’m a teenager asking my parents if my boyfriend can stay! I pay rent to my housemate, and we would be out of her way if that’s what she wants. Am I unreasonable to think it should be okay for him to stay literally just once in a while?

Thank you!

OP posts:
Notmycircusnotmyotter · 23/09/2025 20:17

You're her lodger so it's trickier. You're not unreasonable but what was the agreement when you moved in?

pinkyredrose · 23/09/2025 20:19

Why do you have to ask her? It's your house too, you pay for it, just bring him back! Does she ask before bringing people back?

CaptainMyCaptain · 23/09/2025 20:19

A house share is different to being a lodger. If you're paying rent to her to stay in her home she can say no to overnight visitors.

pinkyredrose · 23/09/2025 20:20

Oh are you lodging in her house? It wasn't clear to me.

Sunflower459 · 23/09/2025 20:21

Have you asked her why she objects to him staying? I would be curious about that in your place, and understanding it may help you to compromise on the issue.

KilkennyCats · 23/09/2025 20:21

She’s not your housemate, is she?
She’s your landlady. She can set whatever rules she chooses, really, however unfair they may seem.

Arlanymor · 23/09/2025 20:22

Are you in a house share or are you her lodger? I know on the surface that what you are asking is not unreasonable. But if it’s her house and you rent from her then she decides the rules and you only agree to rent from her if you agree to the rules. I guess you never discussed this at the beginning as you were both single? It’s a tricky one and what you are asking is not unreasonable in and of itself; but she has a right to feel comfortable in her own home and from her past response I think you know what the answer will be. But as I say - what is the living arrangement?

outerspacepotato · 23/09/2025 20:23

She's probably afraid you'll be having him most nights if she said yes.

You can ask, but if it's her home, it's up to her. Get your own place if you want bf sleeping over.

Original poster
RealAquaCat · 23/09/2025 20:23

Notmycircusnotmyotter · 23/09/2025 20:17

You're her lodger so it's trickier. You're not unreasonable but what was the agreement when you moved in?

We didn’t have any sort of agreement

OP posts:
Dozer · 23/09/2025 20:25

Are you paying market rate for rent with a notice period if you chose to leave?

Dozer · 23/09/2025 20:27

If the answers are yes then YANBU to invite overnight guests sometimes, since she didn’t make clear this wasn’t OK with her

If you’re paying low rent and could leaver whenever, that seems dofferent

cadburyegg · 23/09/2025 20:27

so it’s her house and you’re paying her rent?

YABU I had a friend stay with me for 18 months in my spare room and I would have said no to overnight visitors. I wouldn’t have wanted to feel like a guest in my own house.

TappyGilmore · 23/09/2025 20:27

RealAquaCat · 23/09/2025 20:23

We didn’t have any sort of agreement

Show quote history

So you are a lodger rather than it being a house share? It’s her house, her rules then.

Snoken · 23/09/2025 20:36

It doesn't sound like you signed a tenancy agreement together but that you moved into her home. In that case if I was her, I wouldn't be happy having my colleagues boyfriend staying over either. You are just renting a room for yourself, that's the person she has agreed to share her home with.

user1471554720 · 23/09/2025 20:37

You are better of to leave and go into a houseshare. She is afraid if she says yes, then your partner might be there a few nights a week, hanging around the living area etc. She would feel like the lodger. She would feel uncomfortable in her own home.

Original poster
RealAquaCat · 23/09/2025 20:43

KilkennyCats · 23/09/2025 20:21

She’s not your housemate, is she?
She’s your landlady. She can set whatever rules she chooses, really, however unfair they may seem.

She rents her house, and I split it with her. She’s definitely not my landlord

OP posts:
Original poster
RealAquaCat · 23/09/2025 20:44

Just want to clarify that she rents the place we live in - and I split rent with her. I’m not really a ‘lodger’ and she isn’t my landlord

OP posts:
Original poster
RealAquaCat · 23/09/2025 20:46

No - I moved in with her because she has a spare room, but she rents the house and I split the rent with her

OP posts:
GrannyAchingsShepherdsHut · 23/09/2025 20:47

She doesn't have to own the house for you to be a lodger.

You're not on the tenancy with her landlord?

CalicoPusscat · 23/09/2025 20:47

That was confusing. Does the landlord know she's doing this?

Original poster
RealAquaCat · 23/09/2025 20:48

user1471554720 · 23/09/2025 20:37

You are better of to leave and go into a houseshare. She is afraid if she says yes, then your partner might be there a few nights a week, hanging around the living area etc. She would feel like the lodger. She would feel uncomfortable in her own home.

I think a lot of people have misinterpreted my post - she rents her home, I moved in and now split rent with her. My partner lives 35 miles away and we only see each other on weekends. She knows full well that we would only ever stay here because of plans every once in a while, it would never be a regular occurrence

OP posts:
Original poster
RealAquaCat · 23/09/2025 20:48

CalicoPusscat · 23/09/2025 20:47

That was confusing. Does the landlord know she's doing this?

Yes, the landlord is a family member of hers

OP posts:
Dartmoorcheffy · 23/09/2025 20:49

Does her landlord know she's subletting?

DedododoDedadada · 23/09/2025 20:49

It sounds like you don't have any sort of formal agreement which unfortunately means she has control so she can say no to your boyfriend staying over.

LoftyRobin · 23/09/2025 20:49

RealAquaCat · 23/09/2025 20:46

No - I moved in with her because she has a spare room, but she rents the house and I split the rent with her

This is always tricky because the tenant on the books can set rules for the house. You're not in a contract with the landlord. I have a friend who has rented her place for 25 years and does this. She lives abroad most of the time and has her tenants in the house that covers the rent. She sporadically comes back to England for work or social events so keeps her room there.

She indeed sets all the rules. The LL knows she sublets and is happy for her to rule the roost so to speak. She doesnt ban visitors but there are definitely some rules that she couldn't set in a normal House share.