AIBU to ask my housemate if my boyfriend can stay over for the night?

[RealAquaCat]

Hello!
So I’ve been living with a friend/work colleague for almost a year now after my last relationship broke down. It’s been working well and has allowed me time to save up a house deposit.
However, here is where it isn’t working so well…

I’ve been with my current boyfriend for several months, and most weekends I will stay at his house. He has stayed here 3 times in total, only when my housemate won’t be home. We live about 35 miles apart, and a few weeks back I asked my housemate if my partner could spend the night one Friday as it would help me out a lot since we had something planned close to our location the next morning. She responded by saying ‘are you okay to go to his house instead?’ I was a little confused as it didn’t seem like a big deal, and would have saved me a 70 mile return journey - but she basically told me no. I’m assuming it’s because she would be home that night.

I would like him to stay for a night this weekend, as again, we have something planned close by the next morning. However, now I feel really awkward about asking. I’m in my 30’s yet I feel like I’m a teenager asking my parents if my boyfriend can stay! I pay rent to my housemate, and we would be out of her way if that’s what she wants. Am I unreasonable to think it should be okay for him to stay literally just once in a while?

Thank you!

I think she's being very unreasonable - you're not her lodger, you're flatmates, even though you don't have a rental agreement as you should.

I think you need to tell her that it doesn't suit having to stay in your boyfriends each weekend, so he'll be spending the odd Friday or Saturday night with you. If she disagrees you need to ask her what her concern is, as you've never onjected to her having overnight guests. If she claims she calls the shots as the lead tenent, time to move out.

Although she knows him, she probably wants to relax in her home at the weekends without someone of her choosing being around. It’s quite intimate sharing bathroom and kitchen space, especially with a couple.

As others have said, if your relationship is getting serious, then move out to a house share that allows partners to stay over.

Can see why you’re annoyed, you’re paying half the rent, but not why you don’t want to think about ‘legalities’. You ‘housemate’ and the landlord/lady in her family have the primary arrangement. The ‘legalities’ are what means she calls the shots.

You don’t have any housing security and could be made to leave at short notice. (Of course you could also choose to leave).

In your situation I think I would nonetheless have BF to stay over, unless I was worried about my ability to be able to move out fast if your housemate tells you to do so.

That does not mean she likes him or wants him in her home.

I'd talk to her and ask if it's possible to have him over once a week. If she says no then look elsewhere to rent a room.

Travel lodge for the weekend

You are not on an official tenancy agreement. Your landlady is renting from a family member, who will automatically give her a priority if it came down to it. You don't have any rights here. She barely does without an official agreement tbh, but I assume her family would keep her housed and make allowances for her. You don't get that.

Find somewhere else. I think it's perfectly reasonable for someone to not want an related/strange man in their home.

For all the ones saying OPs friend is NBU for not wanting a strange man in their home, I agree.

However don’t you think it’s then pretty shit and unfair of OPs friend/LL/housemate to have male guests stay overnight without even asking OP?

Yes she may be legally within her right to do this double standard but it’s not great from a friendship POV.

OP you need to be direct with her and point this out, if she holds firm to her rule then just move out.

I don't understand this "slippery slope" argument. That doesn't "somehow" happen at all if you use your words and say what level of boyfriend presence is/isn't acceptable rather than just letting it happen. There's no need to pre-empt it by unilaterally banning any partner from staying overnight, which I think is a ridiculous rule in a houseshare.

I've never lived in a houseshare where overnight partners weren't allowed. It's part and parcel of renting with someone else. And in every houseshare I've been in, long-term boyfriends and girlfriends were welcome for longer periods of time as well. When I was going out with DP, the boiler broke in my houseshare and I decamped to his for a week. No one had an issue with that.

And when I was house-hunting and potentially entering into a lodger situation, this was one of the key questions I asked. I wouldn't have been a lodger with someone who banned overnight stays, and in fact no one I asked ever said no.

In this situation, where the OP's housemate isn't even her landlady, I wouldn't dream of asking permission. If she continues to make a fuss I would be looking for alternative living arrangements.

If she needs you for the rent, and she has people stay over (she didn't make it clear and stick to the fact it was a female only house) then I don't think you needed to ask her permission before. I'd just give her a heads up that you're planning on him staying over at the weekend. That gives her the opportunity to object and if she does you can explain you don't think it's unreasonable to have an occasional overnight guest especially given she does and he is not a stranger and you will be respectful

If she is the main tenant and its her family, then youre even more compelled to follow her rules if anything. The lack of formality gives you fewer rights, not more.

This simply isn’t true though. The OP has told us several times that she pays the rent to her friend; she doesn’t have a direct relationship with the landlord (and doesn’t have anything on paper).

What’s happened here is that OP’s friend has asked her landlord - a family member - if she can take in a lodger to help pay the rent. A purely commercial landlord might well have insisted on the OP being added to the tenancy agreement, but as a family member, the property owner here has decided s/he is happy for the OP’s friend to handle this herself.

OP’s official position is lodger - and crucially, that’s how her friend views her. OP feels differently and sees herself as a housemate because she pays half the rent. Ultimately this is a bit of a red herring if what she is paying is the market rate. For example, the cost of renting a double bedroom where I live would be more than half of what I pay in mortgage; if I took in a lodger, the fact that their rent covered the majority of the mortgage wouldn’t buy them extra rights.

Now, obviously the difference here is that the OP’s friend is not the homeowner, which is why OP believes she deserves more of a houseshare arrangement. Friend doesn’t seem to believe that - so if OP wants it, she needs to push for it. Ultimately OP has to decide whether it’s worth the risk of the friend saying “Nah, sorry; you’re the lodger, so I get final say”, or whether the fact that she needs OP’s rent will be enough to make her think “Actually, I’d better keep her sweet rather than risk having to replace her”.

I completely agree. I lived in house shares in my twenties and this was my experience too.

I think the OP would be better off in a regular house share though rather than this arrangement, causing an imbalance of power.

If you pay rent to her then she's subletting and she's your landlady. If you pay rent to the family member who owns the house then they are the landlord/landlady and they set the rules.
Always a good idea to have tenancies confirmed in writing.

Again, this is not the OP's home. She's just the cheeky fucker who moved into someone else's home and now wants to act as if she owns the place.

Yanbu, you’ve been very considerate given you pay half the rent. It might be ‘her’ place but she’s treating you very unfairly. Is she worried that it might be a longer arrangement? Maybe speak to her and tell her that.
either way, I think her being so unreasonable would make me see her in a different way.

It’s hardly to op’s credit to be considerate in someone else’s home. She doesn’t get a choice.
She gets to follow the rules, or rent her own place.

So you pay half the rent, but hzve no rights?
She has a boyfriend stay but says no to you having yours?

She is taking you for a mug.
Find somewhere else and tell her you are moving out.
Let her find someone else who will tolerate this.
Don't give her any notice either as she is treating you as a lodger when you clearly are not.

She's no friend.

I wouldn’t ask. Just tell her. You have more power in this situation as she can’t afford the rent without you, so she’s very unlikely to kick you out.

just tell her, “by the way, boyfriend is staying on Sat night but don’t worry we’ll mostly stay in my room so we’ll be out of your way”. If she says anything say you wouldn’t have agreed to move in if you’d known there would be rules like for teenagers. Then she can decide if she needs the money enough to compromise.

I think that’s unfair. The OP hasn’t asked to stay for free. She is paying her way.

The mistake the OP has made is to assume she’s living in a houseshare, despite paying her rent to her friend and not the landlord, with no written agreement. Of course, you could argue that her friend should have made the situation clearer too, but essentially the onus was on the OP to confirm the basis on which she was taking the room.

Don't think OP is coming back

Doesnt matter what amount of money OP pays or doesn’t pay. Her friend agreed she could move in as a single female lodger.

The friend did not agree to have a lodger and partner move in with her regardless of how many nights it is

YABU. You’re a lodger in her house, it’s her rules.

Are you unreasonable to ask? No.

Is she unreasonable to say no? No.

The legalities ARE important here though. Because whilst if you were housemates she could not evict you for having him over after she refused however as you are her lodger (and the fact she rents the home and who she rents it from is irrelevant - the rental agreement is not between you and the landlord but between you and the tenant, making you a lodger). As a lodger she CAN evict you, and very easily.

So whilst you aren't unreasonable to want your partner to stay over, is be very careful about pushing the issue with her unless you are in a position to move out swiftly.

I honestly think you are better approaching this a little differently - something along the lines of “just to let you know boyfriend will be staying here Friday night as we’ve plans” etc etc
You are splitting rent and bills 50/50 so she cannot tell you no you can’t! Especially if she has dates stay over and doesn’t ask you.
I don’t think yabu to consider her feelings but I think you need to be a bit more assertive.
If she kicks off then let her know that you’re going to start having to re assess your living situation then.

If it’s important you’re nearer where you live then stay in a Premier Inn or some such?