AIBU to ask my housemate if my boyfriend can stay over for the night?

[RealAquaCat]

Hello!
So I’ve been living with a friend/work colleague for almost a year now after my last relationship broke down. It’s been working well and has allowed me time to save up a house deposit.
However, here is where it isn’t working so well…

I’ve been with my current boyfriend for several months, and most weekends I will stay at his house. He has stayed here 3 times in total, only when my housemate won’t be home. We live about 35 miles apart, and a few weeks back I asked my housemate if my partner could spend the night one Friday as it would help me out a lot since we had something planned close to our location the next morning. She responded by saying ‘are you okay to go to his house instead?’ I was a little confused as it didn’t seem like a big deal, and would have saved me a 70 mile return journey - but she basically told me no. I’m assuming it’s because she would be home that night.

I would like him to stay for a night this weekend, as again, we have something planned close by the next morning. However, now I feel really awkward about asking. I’m in my 30’s yet I feel like I’m a teenager asking my parents if my boyfriend can stay! I pay rent to my housemate, and we would be out of her way if that’s what she wants. Am I unreasonable to think it should be okay for him to stay literally just once in a while?

Thank you!

True and this could be a way of subtly making the case…

Then how has she met him many, many times if you've only been seeing him several months, stay at his on the weekends, and he's only stayed over when she's been away?

I've been with my current boyfriend for several months, and most weekends I will stay at his house. He has stayed here 3 times in total, only when my housemate won’t be home

If she has dates stay over, I'm not sure why you are asking her permission for your partner to stay over. I assumed she never had anyone over, that's why you asked her.

It doesn't really matter if you're being unreasonable or not. The fact is, she very obviously doesn't want him there. It's up to you if you push it or not. She might well see you as a CF and it might affect your relationship.

The rare times he needs to stay, get a Travelodge nearby or something. It's worth it not to sour this relationship, imo. She DOESN'T want him there. It sounds like she's been good to you, as you yourself said that living there has allowed you to save up, so I would just make an effort to understand that she doesn't want a man in her space.

Because its the friend's house (rented) and the OP is a lodger. They are not equals in this scenario.

She is not your housemate. She let you stay in her house as a favour

She’s given you her answer on this a few weeks ago. She’s not happy with it.

She also doesn’t see you as equal occupants of the house for whatever reason.

You moved into her house that she rents from family to fill a room and reduce her costs. Most landlords wouldn’t allow this kind of sub letting but hers is family.

Shes Happy to take your money but she’s not happy for you to have the se freedoms.

I think it’s time to move on.

It's because she's the tenant, not OP, and it's HER home into which she kindly invited OP. Had she known it would become a package deal, she probably wouldn't have asked her.

She is worried about when I leave because she can’t afford the house on her own - so absolutely not the case

I wouldn’t want my lodger having a boyfriend stay over. A random man in my safe space would make me feel very uncomfortable, even if I’d met him socially before. This is her home (doesn’t matter that she rents it), but it isn’t your home @RealAquaCat , so if it bothers you maybe time to use that saved deposit.

Yeah, it's a family house of the colleague. OP is an informal lodger in her rented house. OP moved into HER home. Of course the colleague doesn't see her as an equal occupant, because she isn't. And she's in serious danger of turning herself into a PITA with this boyfriend issue.

OP, ask yourself if you want to continue to stay there and save up. It may not seem fair to you, but if you want to stay, you'll just have to swallow the situation.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable and I don’t think she is either. There might have been reasons she said no the last time, did she give any explanation? I think you need to have a chat about guests in general, do you need permission to have a friend over for a cup of tea or if your mum pops by for lunch? Is it your home, for now anyway?

I know what I wrote, unsure why it’s being quoted back to me lol. Because she is part of my friend group and he’s been over here plenty of times for occasions etc, and then we have headed back to his place afterwards. He has also helped out at our job a few times. The only time I’m asking for him to stay is if we have early plans here the next day

Having read all your posts I think she is being very unreasonable, you are housemates really and you shouldn't really have to ask her. I would move on.

Has she said this? How did she afford the rent to a relative until you moved yourself in?

She was already looking for someone to live there with her as she couldn’t afford it alone - I wouldn’t exactly call it a favour on her behalf

She’s being very unreasonable - especially since she has men to stay sometimes - and I think you should have a polite, non-confrontational conversation with her. Or say “Boyfriend is staying over this Saturday night, just a heads up.”

If she’s weird about it, give her your notice and find somewhere else. It’s supposed to be your home.

They are not housemates just someone who moved themselves in to save for a deposit

You asked for people’s opinion. They gave it 🤷🏻‍♀️

Yes, after her ex partner moved out she barely scraped by for the few months before I moved in

By asking her permission, you have acted like a lodger rather than a housemate. I would clarify what she understands you to be - housemate or lodger - and sort out a written agreement either way. Tbh the dynamic sounds more like landlady lodger atm.

I would never have asked so you are better than me. If you are equal housemates on the lease, and you don’t take the piss I would simply advise your boyfriend is coming over.

Editing because of the addition of the drip feed of her ex, which could have been mentioned in the same post.

I think you need to respect the boundary that she drew the last time you asked, and indeed the time before - whether you agree with it or not, it makes for a more harmonious living situation - and make plans to move.

I was asked to move in - I didn’t ask her and I didn’t need to live here, it works out mutually as I can save up a lot quicker with someone to split the rent with

If she has dates stay over why would you ask. By asking you are establishing yourself as a secondary tenant.