AIBU to ask my housemate if my boyfriend can stay over for the night?

[RealAquaCat]

Hello!
So I’ve been living with a friend/work colleague for almost a year now after my last relationship broke down. It’s been working well and has allowed me time to save up a house deposit.
However, here is where it isn’t working so well…

I’ve been with my current boyfriend for several months, and most weekends I will stay at his house. He has stayed here 3 times in total, only when my housemate won’t be home. We live about 35 miles apart, and a few weeks back I asked my housemate if my partner could spend the night one Friday as it would help me out a lot since we had something planned close to our location the next morning. She responded by saying ‘are you okay to go to his house instead?’ I was a little confused as it didn’t seem like a big deal, and would have saved me a 70 mile return journey - but she basically told me no. I’m assuming it’s because she would be home that night.

I would like him to stay for a night this weekend, as again, we have something planned close by the next morning. However, now I feel really awkward about asking. I’m in my 30’s yet I feel like I’m a teenager asking my parents if my boyfriend can stay! I pay rent to my housemate, and we would be out of her way if that’s what she wants. Am I unreasonable to think it should be okay for him to stay literally just once in a while?

Thank you!

Cross post sorry. So does she ever have people stay over?

Yes - as I’ve stated, the landlord is a family member of hers

For instance, only she is allowed to leave toiletries in the shared bathroom.

Does she ever have overnight guests?

I wouldn't want an unknown man in my house.

You’re still a lodger. She’s the tenant, she’s not subletting and you don’t have a tenancy agreement so you’re her lodger.

Unfortunately, not defining rules before you moved in means you’ll have to negotiate. It’s not very fair but be prepared for her to refuse for him to stay.

I’d try and have a general talk about guests rather than feel to have to ask each time you want him to visit. Be prepared it might be time to move out if you can’t agree.

Because it's not the usual setup I guess she can say no

There isn’t really any sort of tenancy - she rents from a family member. I’m unsure why people are getting technical to be honest. I’m not asking for my legal rights here - just people’s opinion on if it’s unreasonable for me to have someone stay once every 3 months or so

She’s met him many, many times

Apologies, I thought she owned the house. However, it still seems to be an informal arrangement if you are not on record as a tenant. As others have said, the tenant on record can set the house rules, even if they seem petty. Maybe time to move on.

It’s not unreasonable but it’s her house, she’s the tenant so she can say no. That’s why people are getting technical, because you really have no rights here.

Talk to her, sort it out!

I mean it's not unreasonable, but you have no rights to insist if she doesn't want it to happen. So whether it's unreasonable or not is irrelevant.

But it is only her contract / agreement to rent that is with the family member/ landlord? You’re not on the tenancy? In which case you are her lodger even though she rents and she can say no to overnight guests.

If you both have a contract with the landlord then you’re just in a flat share and have every right to have him stay.

Because the technicalities determine who sets the rules. She is named on the tenancy - you are not - so she sets the house rules. Whether they are reasonable or not is another matter and is the thing you should discuss before you move in somewhere.

At the end of the day, you appear to have no formal contract so no rules specified. Ask her again for this weekend and if she asks if you can stay there, mention why it’s easier if he stays at yours due to plans. If she says no, then you need to think about other plans as you’re an adult having to ask permission for your bf to stay over, which is frustrating.

It is reasonable for you to ask if this is OK. It is also reasonable for her to say no. You are the lodger, so she sets the rules. In her position I would say no, but plenty would agree to it.

A lot of women wouldn’t feel comfortable having a man they don’t really know in the house, it’s not that unreasonable if her.

You don’t have any say in the matter. People are getting technical in an attempt to reinforce to you the fact that you have zero skin in this game. Your paying half the rent makes literally no difference and doesn’t buy you any rights in this instance.

You could stay in a travelodge if it’s more convenient to be at yours?

She has dates stay over here while I’m here, and she has met my partner many times. I think people are reading too much into my post and making it something that it isn’t

How long was she expecting you to stay there to get back on your feet? 12 months is a long time, when are you looking to move out?

She doesn't want (to hear / know) her colleague having sex in the room next to her. Fair enough. Suggest you speed up buying a place if it's going to be an issue.

Her home her rules really, you’re not on the tenancy, and I can understand her not wanting to share her living space with him.

How can we be reading too much if you only gave a third of the information up front? Also a lot of us have a fair amount of rental experience and are giving you the benefit of our experience.

OP, I think you need to ask her if you can sit down and have a chat about something, then once you're sitting comfortably, just say 'when I asked you if you'd mind Pete staying over a while back, you indicated that you'd be happier if I stayed at his place with him, is there a particular reason for this, because as you know, he lives 35 miles away, and it seems a bit daft for me to go to his house, only to have to come back next morning if we've got something going on in this area?' If she says 'I really don't like the idea of having a man in the house', or whatever, then I think you need to tell her that it's not something you would want to do every weekend, but just very occasionally. If she then says she's not happy for you to do that, then I think you need to tell her that in that case, you'll have to start looking for somewhere else, because it's beginning to feel like living back at home, and having to get your parents approval for your boyfriend to stay over, which at 30 years of age, isn't really on. Just be honest with her OP, what you want certainly isn't unreasonable, but when you share a home with someone then it should be give and take, and it sounds like she may be wanting to take, but not give, in which case, in your shoes I'd be looking for somewhere else to live.