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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask my housemate if my boyfriend can stay over for the night?

233 replies

RealAquaCat · 23/09/2025 20:16

Hello!
So I’ve been living with a friend/work colleague for almost a year now after my last relationship broke down. It’s been working well and has allowed me time to save up a house deposit.
However, here is where it isn’t working so well…

I’ve been with my current boyfriend for several months, and most weekends I will stay at his house. He has stayed here 3 times in total, only when my housemate won’t be home. We live about 35 miles apart, and a few weeks back I asked my housemate if my partner could spend the night one Friday as it would help me out a lot since we had something planned close to our location the next morning. She responded by saying ‘are you okay to go to his house instead?’ I was a little confused as it didn’t seem like a big deal, and would have saved me a 70 mile return journey - but she basically told me no. I’m assuming it’s because she would be home that night.

I would like him to stay for a night this weekend, as again, we have something planned close by the next morning. However, now I feel really awkward about asking. I’m in my 30’s yet I feel like I’m a teenager asking my parents if my boyfriend can stay! I pay rent to my housemate, and we would be out of her way if that’s what she wants. Am I unreasonable to think it should be okay for him to stay literally just once in a while?

Thank you!

OP posts:
JHound · 23/09/2025 21:36

NotToday1l · 23/09/2025 21:35

Just send her a text saying ‘ Hey Anna, just to let you know that Jack will be staying at the weekend, hope that’s fine with you, talk later.’

If she responds and says she is not ok with it ask her why and why should you not have someone over to stay….but still say he is staying

You really shouldn’t have asked the first time, you should have just told her

Show quote history

Agreed.

OP has set up this position by asking which she never should have done.

FlockofSquirrels · 23/09/2025 21:36

Your request isn't unreasonable. It's also not automatically unreasonable for her to set rules about guests in this situation - the reality is that regardless of the rent split, she is the only one on the lease. That means that she's the one responsible for damages, or lease violations, or complaints from the landlord or neighbors. More importantly, she's the one on the hook for the lease while you can just move out if the arrangement isn't working for you.

Talk to her. Propose a set of rules regarding frequency of overnight guests and communication between the two of you. If she refuses you can decide whether this is enough of an issue to tell her you'll be finding somewhere else - maybe she'll decide it's not worth losing you as a lodger, maybe not.

Life lesson: always discuss agreements about guests with any live-in landlords or housemates in advance.

Notagain75 · 23/09/2025 21:36

RealAquaCat · 23/09/2025 20:46

No - I moved in with her because she has a spare room, but she rents the house and I split the rent with her

I think that still makes you a lodger as she is the tenant and you are not included on the tenancy agreement.

HaveItOffTilICough · 23/09/2025 21:37

It seems to me that you have two options:

  1. Ask your friend to formalise the arrangement, as you’re concerned that you have no real rights at the moment. (This would still be a sensible course of action even if your boyfriend wasn’t an issue. You’ve been at great pains to state that you’re not a lodger, but at the moment you have no more rights than a lodger does.)

  2. Accept that this arrangement has come to a natural end and move out before it ruins your friendship.

Branleuse · 23/09/2025 21:37

If youre both renting it, and shes had boyfriends to stay over, then I think you should be able to have him stay over sometimes.
I think that if she says do you mind going back to his, then you could say I do a bit actually, because youve had people to stay overnight, and its not as if hes a stranger.
Im sure you will be able to come to an agreement. Its definitely not unreasonable

Travelodge · 23/09/2025 21:38

RealAquaCat · 23/09/2025 21:13

She was already looking for someone to live there with her as she couldn’t afford it alone - I wouldn’t exactly call it a favour on her behalf

Show quote history

You say you share the rent. Fifty/fifty? If so she is being totally unreasonable and shouldn’t be able to veto your partner staying occasionally. If not, and she pays more, I don’t know the legal position but she would certainly have more of a case to refuse.

UNDERCOVERELEPHANTINTHEROOM · 23/09/2025 21:38

OP, What you are asking is not unreasonable, however, she doesn't want your boyfriend overnight and that's not unreasonable either.
She has made her feelings quite clear.

It hardly matters whether it's unreasonable or not, she doesn't want your boyfriend to stay and if it's her tenancy, not yours, then you have to find another way.

Givenupshopping · 23/09/2025 21:39

OP, now that you've told us that your friend has had people stay over, I have to ask why you felt obliged to get her permission for your boyfriend to stay, and didn't just tell her that he would be there that weekend? If you had just assumed it was OK, as she has friends to stay, then it shouldn't have been a problem. Has she ever asked if you'd mind her having overnight guests?

I still think you need to sit down and have a conversation with her, and if she says she doesn't want your boyfriend to stay over, then I would definitely be looking for somewhere else now.

Londonrach1 · 23/09/2025 21:40

She's subletting. You are a very unsafe situation here re accommodations. As a lodger you no rights. You would be better in a house share and agree over night guests. I'd look for somewhere else to live as soon as possible if I was you

Sus808 · 23/09/2025 21:42

I think you’re just going to ask her why not and what the problem is. Hopefully she will give you a reason whereby you are able to reassure her.

LillyPJ · 23/09/2025 21:44

If it's her house, she has the right to say no. Maybe she doesn't want another person using her bathroom. Perhaps she just doesn't want another person - or a man? - sharing her space.

seaelephant · 23/09/2025 21:45

don't ask next time, I never asked permission from my flatmate if I could have blokes round

aurynne · 23/09/2025 21:45

The OP's friend is the one who is responsible for the house. If the OP's boyfriend broke something, and he refused to pay for the repair/replace it, she would have to. If something disappeared from the house while the boyfriend is there, she would have to replace it. She may find the OP's boyfriend using the bathroom when she needs it. She may find the OP and her boyfriend using the kitchen for breakfast. She may feel uncomfortable to walk in her home in her nightie because she knows there's a stranger (to her) in her home. And as it often happens, if she says "yes" to him staying one night, from then on she may find he stays 2 nights a week, and then 4 nights a week, and eventually she'll have 2 people staying at her house and using water, popwer and gas but only one paying.

And yes, these are all situations I have encountered in my time as a renter from a number of flatmates. Not uncommon at all.

BlueMum16 · 23/09/2025 21:47

I would sit down and have a chat and explain you want them to be able to stay. Explain it's likely to be infrequently, maybe one weekend a month.

There is an imbalance as you are living in her home although without you should would likely need someone else to move it.

If she doesn't agree you may want to consider finding somewhere else

YANBU.

Cosyblankets · 23/09/2025 21:48

Do you mean she is subletting? Does the landlord know?

ReadingSoManyThreads · 23/09/2025 21:49

YANBU

As you are paying half the total rent, and she has people stay over, she's being very unreasonable to not let your BF who has helped with jobs around the place to stay once every 3 months! I'd very politely tell her that "it doesn't work staying at his place, as the event is local to where we live. I think it's fair for him to stay as I'm contributing equally to our house", or something along those lines.

Arlanymor · 23/09/2025 21:50

Cosyblankets · 23/09/2025 21:48

Do you mean she is subletting? Does the landlord know?

Well he is a family member, so I presume so.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 23/09/2025 21:53

LillyPJ · 23/09/2025 21:44

If it's her house, she has the right to say no. Maybe she doesn't want another person using her bathroom. Perhaps she just doesn't want another person - or a man? - sharing her space.

She doesn't own the house, she rents it and they split the rent equally. Plus she has people stay over, but is saying no to OP!

Notagain75 · 23/09/2025 21:54

JHound · 23/09/2025 21:35

They do rent the house together. OPs housemate does not own the property and they split the rent.

There are housemate arrangements like this up and down the country.

Show quote history

They don't rent the house together because they are not both named on the tenancy. The friend is the tenant. She has the legal responsibility for the house.
She rents the house from a family member and she has taken in a lodger to help share the costs of the house after her partner left.
. It doesn't make the slightest difference how much rent the OP pays or whether she owns the house.
She isn't the tenant she is the lodger

AzureCats · 23/09/2025 21:54

You have a very informal rental agreement. Being that the landlord is her relative, if you rock the boat too much, you may find yourself homeless.

People are assuming she doesn't want the hassle of having an extra person in the house (despite her allowing her own visitors. People are selfish hey hoe).
It is a bit harsh of her to not allow overnight visitors occasionally.

If it were me I'd say "Boyfriend is staying over on Friday night as we're going to X on Saturday morning". If she says that's not happening then you can find out why.

But like I said if you upset her or the relative landlord then they may retaliate by evicting you.

I also don't understand why you haven't asked her WHY she doesn't want you having overnight guests.

pinkyredrose · 23/09/2025 21:55

Notagain75 · 23/09/2025 21:32

It isn't OP's house though. It is her friends house and OP is lodging there.
They don't rent the house together. It's different from a house share.
OP its not unreasonable of you to want your boyfriend to stay over but neither is it unreasonable of your friend to prefer he didn't.
To get the sort of freedom you need I think you need to rent somewhere else either as a for al House share or by yourself.

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I didn't realise when I wrote my first post, I read it that they were housemates equally sharing.

Yep if it's her mates house she totally has the right to not want men she doesn't know in her house.

Original poster
RealAquaCat · 23/09/2025 21:55

Givenupshopping · 23/09/2025 21:39

OP, now that you've told us that your friend has had people stay over, I have to ask why you felt obliged to get her permission for your boyfriend to stay, and didn't just tell her that he would be there that weekend? If you had just assumed it was OK, as she has friends to stay, then it shouldn't have been a problem. Has she ever asked if you'd mind her having overnight guests?

I still think you need to sit down and have a conversation with her, and if she says she doesn't want your boyfriend to stay over, then I would definitely be looking for somewhere else now.

I just thought it was correct and respectful to ask to be honest, and didn’t expect it to be a problem

OP posts:
outerspacepotato · 23/09/2025 21:56

It would be helpful if you gave us the details. Why would I think they'd just met many, many times while out and about or at your work?

That said, you've been there a year, you want your BF over, and it's time to find your own place where it's comfortable to do that and you guys pay for yourselves.

Sunflower459 · 23/09/2025 21:56

LillyPJ · 23/09/2025 21:44

If it's her house, she has the right to say no. Maybe she doesn't want another person using her bathroom. Perhaps she just doesn't want another person - or a man? - sharing her space.

I’ve said this upthread but, honestly OP, I think there’s a lot to be gained from just coming out and asking her what bothers her about him staying over. This might be really easy to resolve with a frank convo. It’s really hard to live with anyone you don’t feel you can communicate with.

Arlanymor · 23/09/2025 21:57

RealAquaCat · 23/09/2025 21:55

I just thought it was correct and respectful to ask to be honest, and didn’t expect it to be a problem

Show quote history

You were correct and respectful. But have you talked to her about it? Because to be honest whoever agrees or disagrees with you on here is irrelevant in this situation. For what it is worth, I think it’s harsh too, but I don’t know any of the people involved. A lot of us are giving you the benefit of our experience, but you keep adding in new details. We are trying to help.