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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask my housemate if my boyfriend can stay over for the night?

233 replies

RealAquaCat · 23/09/2025 20:16

Hello!
So I’ve been living with a friend/work colleague for almost a year now after my last relationship broke down. It’s been working well and has allowed me time to save up a house deposit.
However, here is where it isn’t working so well…

I’ve been with my current boyfriend for several months, and most weekends I will stay at his house. He has stayed here 3 times in total, only when my housemate won’t be home. We live about 35 miles apart, and a few weeks back I asked my housemate if my partner could spend the night one Friday as it would help me out a lot since we had something planned close to our location the next morning. She responded by saying ‘are you okay to go to his house instead?’ I was a little confused as it didn’t seem like a big deal, and would have saved me a 70 mile return journey - but she basically told me no. I’m assuming it’s because she would be home that night.

I would like him to stay for a night this weekend, as again, we have something planned close by the next morning. However, now I feel really awkward about asking. I’m in my 30’s yet I feel like I’m a teenager asking my parents if my boyfriend can stay! I pay rent to my housemate, and we would be out of her way if that’s what she wants. Am I unreasonable to think it should be okay for him to stay literally just once in a while?

Thank you!

OP posts:
Plastictreees · 23/09/2025 21:58

OP you’re still not saying if you’re had a conversation with her about this. You need to directly ask her what the problem is here, rather than pandering to her.

neilyoungismyhero · 23/09/2025 21:59

Cosyblankets · 23/09/2025 21:48

Do you mean she is subletting? Does the landlord know?

Gordon bleedin' bennet

Rewis · 23/09/2025 22:05

RealAquaCat · 23/09/2025 20:53

There isn’t really any sort of tenancy - she rents from a family member. I’m unsure why people are getting technical to be honest. I’m not asking for my legal rights here - just people’s opinion on if it’s unreasonable for me to have someone stay once every 3 months or so

It is nit necessarily about legal rights but it gives an indication on what can be considered appropriate.

You rent a hosue together. Both on the tenancy agreement, it is polite to ask but you don't have to accept her no.

Under the table, cash in hand subletting verbal agreement. You can't really bring people over without agreement. And you kinda signed up for that cause it is closer to a house guest than a roomate.

Official subletting agreement. That would depends on the terms.

Not necessarily legally, but it tied into what your relationship is. Your request is not unreasonable.

All you can do is have a chat with her. Tell her why you want him to stay over and how it won't be an every night thing. If se still says no, think if this living arrangement is for you.

NotToday1l · 23/09/2025 22:05

RealAquaCat · 23/09/2025 21:55

I just thought it was correct and respectful to ask to be honest, and didn’t expect it to be a problem

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Do ye get along well, is she is a higher position than you at work

martinagiraffe · 23/09/2025 22:07

She probably doesn't want to have to listen to you fucking like a pair of deranged chimps while she's sat downstairs watching Strictly

Plastictreees · 23/09/2025 22:07

martinagiraffe · 23/09/2025 22:07

She probably doesn't want to have to listen to you fucking like a pair of deranged chimps while she's sat downstairs watching Strictly

Wtf

Arlanymor · 23/09/2025 22:08

NotToday1l · 23/09/2025 22:05

Do ye get along well, is she is a higher position than you at work

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I read this in a Scottish accent (should I have done?) and it has cheered up this whole thread for me.

SunnyDolly · 23/09/2025 22:17

I was in a similar set up about ten years ago; a friends grandfather owned a rental, she needed somewhere to live and rented it off him, then needed a roommate and asked me. Be it rightly or wrongly the fact it was in her family definitely tipped the balance towards her as to who had more ‘ownership’ on the house. I always felt I had to ask permission for things even having a friend round for dinner; I moved out in the end to get on a more even keel. Are you and your partner at a stage you could find a place together?

StewkeyBlue · 23/09/2025 22:17

I think you are going to have to address this with her directly.

Just ask her how she feels about you having your Bf to stay occasionally, because you got the idea from her reaction that she doesn’t seem keen - whereas you have no problem with her having had xyz overnight.

It’s a simple polite but direct conversation, and establishes an understanding that would normally bd made at the start of any housemate/ share / lodger agreement.

It seems totally reasonable that he does stay occasionally, so get it cleared up.

1reason · 23/09/2025 22:19

OP, I think it is reasonable for you to have people to stay occasionally.
You were polite to ask.most wouldn't bother!
Maybe time to move elsewhere to give you more freedom and able to feel comfortable

Alexandrine · 23/09/2025 22:22

YANBU to ask her, since it sounds like you aren’t a lodger as such (you share bills equally? it’s just that it’s her name on the rental) and that she has bought (male?) dates home to stay over herself - whom presumably you don’t know well either. If she does that, then it would seem unreasonable not to also let your boyfriend stay over occasionally too, assuming as you say, that it’s not often enough to cause any increased bills etc.

(If you were a lodger or she didn’t let people you don’t know well stay over too, then you might be BU as not every woman is comfortable having male “strangers” staying in her house overnight).

NotToday1l · 23/09/2025 22:25

Arlanymor · 23/09/2025 22:08

I read this in a Scottish accent (should I have done?) and it has cheered up this whole thread for me.

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I’m Irish 🙂

Arlanymor · 23/09/2025 22:27

NotToday1l · 23/09/2025 22:25

I’m Irish 🙂

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Even better, my best mate Caoimhe is from Ballymun!

Emmylou22 · 23/09/2025 22:27

I'd have an honest conversation with her. You're in a committed relationship (it's not like you bring a different bloke home every night) and it's impractical and impacting your enjoyment of living there because you can't have him stay over. Say if that's going to be the case, you'll look for somewhere else to live.

hadjustaboutenough · 23/09/2025 22:30

I don't think it matters what anyone thinks but your housemate, since she's the one who decides. She doesn't feel comfortable with the idea of your BF staying overnight while she's home. You can ask why and see if you can convince her to change her mind. Otherwise, your options are to accept that she's not comfortable with it or move out sooner than you'd planned.

It's probably not unreasonable for you to want him to be able to stay, but I suspect I wouldn't like it, either, if I were your housemate.

Aavalon57 · 23/09/2025 22:30

You need to ask her directly what the issue is. Is it because you are all work colleagues? As you split the rent and the landlord is aware, I'd say you should be on an equal footing. How long are you planning to stay there? Perhaps you should ask for a tenancy agreement to be set up so you are on firmer ground. Alternatively, I would look for somewhere else to live.

SaratogaFilly · 23/09/2025 22:32

RealAquaCat · 23/09/2025 21:55

I just thought it was correct and respectful to ask to be honest, and didn’t expect it to be a problem

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Never ask a question you don’t want an honest answer to. You asked, she said no, & whilst she’s not your landlady, she does have a kind of final say as if she asked you to leave, then that’s what you’d have to do.

Either speak to her to understand why she has said no (and perhaps try to change her mind) or accept her decision (& look for
somewhere else to live if you don’t like the decision).

PaterPower · 23/09/2025 22:34

Can’t you just get a travelodge room (or B&B or whatever’s cheapest) locally for the night?

CactusSammy · 23/09/2025 22:35

I think the problem is that while you view the situation as a flatshare, your friend views you as her tenant, and feels that she can call the shots.

reversingdumptruckwithnotyreson · 23/09/2025 22:38

My brother was exactly in the same situation and while not formally her landlady, she was treated as such as it was her name on the contract, most of the furnishing were hers, etc. In practical terms you’re kind of her lodger, yeah.

I would press a bit (ie ask directly why he can’t stay) but ultimately if she says no then it’s a no, imo.

Horsie · 23/09/2025 22:38

OP, I notice you haven't given any details on the financial split. Is it 50/50 for rent and bills?

There's also another issue here, which is that the house belongs to a family member of the colleague. The colleague was there first, and it belongs to her relative, and OP is effectively a lodger, since there's no formal agreement. The fact that it belongs to the colleague's family and that she was there first means it's not surprising for there to be a landlady/lodger dynamic. And then OP doesn't have much of a leg to stand on because of the lack of formal agreement or joint tenancy, so she has no leverage with which to override the dynamic.

OP, if you want to stay longer and save up more, I really wouldn't make a fuss about this. Don't spoil a situation that suits you over the question of a rare night here and there. She's probably concerned that saying yes once will open the floodgates. Anyone would be concerned about that. And maybe it's not fair that she doesn't want your bf there, but this is one of those situations where that's just life.

With your early start, take the opportunity to have a romantic night in a hotel nearby.

Betty1625 · 23/09/2025 22:38

I would tell her he's staying rather than ask.
"Hey Mary, what are your plans for Saturday? Oh BTW john is staying over Friday night as we will go to xyz on Saturday "
I think it's rude of your friend to have people over but then lord over you and dictate who can visit

meganorks · 23/09/2025 22:45

To be honest, I think I'd just tell her:
'BTW, Bob is staying over Friday as we are going somewhere local in the morning'.

Did you actually say anything back to her when she said 'are you ok to stay at his?' the first time? Because I would have just said 'No, he lives miles away and we have to be at xx at 10' or similar.

CelestialGazer · 23/09/2025 22:52

RealAquaCat · 23/09/2025 21:08

She is worried about when I leave because she can’t afford the house on her own - so absolutely not the case

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So I think you have another polite conversation with her, say you are disappointed, and if she continues to say no then you suggest that you will start to look for somewhere more suitable given your new circumstances. Only say that though if you are prepared to carry it through.

99bottlesofkombucha · 23/09/2025 22:56

RealAquaCat · 23/09/2025 21:08

She is worried about when I leave because she can’t afford the house on her own - so absolutely not the case

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Then you say ‘Sally, my partner is staying for a night this weekend. Ive been thinking, this will never happen more than once a month, you have people stay and that’s totally fine, but if you’re not happy with me occasionally having John and think I should just drive 70 miles instead, then I want to move house, as I’m not happy living somewhere I don’t have that option. I could understand better if you never ever had anyone stay but that’s not the case. So if you really can’t cope with him staying Saturday let me know and I’ll start looking around.