AIBU to ask my housemate if my boyfriend can stay over for the night?

[RealAquaCat]

Hello!
So I’ve been living with a friend/work colleague for almost a year now after my last relationship broke down. It’s been working well and has allowed me time to save up a house deposit.
However, here is where it isn’t working so well…

I’ve been with my current boyfriend for several months, and most weekends I will stay at his house. He has stayed here 3 times in total, only when my housemate won’t be home. We live about 35 miles apart, and a few weeks back I asked my housemate if my partner could spend the night one Friday as it would help me out a lot since we had something planned close to our location the next morning. She responded by saying ‘are you okay to go to his house instead?’ I was a little confused as it didn’t seem like a big deal, and would have saved me a 70 mile return journey - but she basically told me no. I’m assuming it’s because she would be home that night.

I would like him to stay for a night this weekend, as again, we have something planned close by the next morning. However, now I feel really awkward about asking. I’m in my 30’s yet I feel like I’m a teenager asking my parents if my boyfriend can stay! I pay rent to my housemate, and we would be out of her way if that’s what she wants. Am I unreasonable to think it should be okay for him to stay literally just once in a while?

Thank you!

So, housemates.

No, a named tenant and a housemate/lodger.

@RealAquaCat but when are you looking at moving out?

Yes.

Housemates. Not a lodger. She does not own the home. It’s a shared rental situation. Not being named on the lease does not make it any less a houseshare / housemate situation.

No, the friend was looking for someone to share the house to split the costs.

If longer term then yes speak about saying people over but she really can so no

If I was paying half the rent, I'd expect to feel like an equal in my own home. If she has male guests stay overnight, then I would too and I wouldn't be asking permission. Different situation if she never does.

If she tells you to move out, that's the risk you take when you have no contract, but she also has a sweet deal - half the rent is getting paid by someone she knows well and trusts. She might not get that with a different flatmate - it's in her interests to keep you there.

But have you asked her why she doesn’t want your boyfriend to stay? Just talk to her ffs. You’re friends, you socialise together so have the conversation.

From your initial post you sounded like a lodger: I think that this is the issue - the power dynamic between yourself and your housemate. If you are paying 50% then you have every right to have your chap stay over, as she does hers. You need to have the conversation about this, and your expectations.

The person on the tenancy is the one with the overarching responsibility. So they make the household rules. How do you not know this? Housemates is when you all
go in together and bear the same responsibility. Unless you are quibbling semantics.

No, the friend lived there first and is on the tenancy. The OP maybe be paying equal
rent but they are not on the tenancy. They came into the situation secondarily and bear no responsibility - they pay rent to the person on the tenancy, not to the landlord.

your flatmate is being unreasonable. I used to let out my spare room (so this was in my own flat, not a rental place) and I always encouraged my flatmates to treat my home as their home, because I appreciated how lucky I was to be able to own a flat so I was able to put myself in their shoes and also to remember how I felt when I was just a lodger or sharing with other people and I was limited in what I could do in my home. So if they wanted to bring their boyfriend home or have friends over that was fine but overall we were all respectful and considerate and tried not to bring people home too often while the other person was there.
If I was you I’d find somewhere else to live, you’ll probably find plenty of places where you can bring your boyfriend home once in a while

You edited but being on the tenancy of course makes a difference. The tenant is responsible for any rent not paid, for damage to property, etc. The OP isn’t.

So he's been over at the house a lot in several months. So much so that she's met him many, many times in what, 3 or 4 months when you spend most weekends at his place.

If she doesn't want him spending the night, she either doesn't like him or is afraid he'll be there too much for her comfort in her home. That might already be the case if he's there a lot during the work week. Now you want him over on a weekend too.

You're not on the lease and made no prior agreement so she can say no.

It sounds like it's time for you to move on.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable for him to stay occasionally in your circumstances if you have early plans.
I would copy what she did basically when she had people staying: when did she tell you, how early they left, etc etc.

Since she needs the income from a lodger and gets on with you OP, I’d tell her that you will have to move out unless your boyfriend can stay sometimes, say once or twice a month. Her choice to accept this or find another lodger who may come with worse problems.

I think you have misread - he has only ever been to the house 3 times. She has met him plenty of times when he has come to our town for occasions and when he has come to our work place. He’s never been to the house during the work week. He has stayed here 3 times only ever on a weekend. I really appreciate everyone’s opinion, but it would be helpful if they read what I have written before giving it ☺️

It isn't OP's house though. It is her friends house and OP is lodging there.
They don't rent the house together. It's different from a house share.
OP its not unreasonable of you to want your boyfriend to stay over but neither is it unreasonable of your friend to prefer he didn't.
To get the sort of freedom you need I think you need to rent somewhere else either as a for al House share or by yourself.

It makes no difference whatsoever as to whether they are housemates or not.

This is a housemate arrangement.

If OP’s housemate wants more rights in the house then the split of rent should reflect that.

Are you paying half the rent and bills? Because if so then I don’t think it’s fair for her to call the shots like this. If you’ve paying less then I think she gets more say.

Have you asked her directly what the problem is?

I couldn’t live this way. I’d be moving out into a shared house that doesn’t have a weird unequal power dynamic.

Read back what you wrote - that makes no sense. It’s a housemate arrangement whether or not they are housemates? You are spouting nonsense and contradicting yourself. Plus the OP said they didn’t sort out any kind of agreement before she moved in, so no agreement of any sort exists!

And you edited again… so again I have to edit. It’s not about how much you contribute to the household. Whether it’s half, or 25% or 5p… the person on the tenancy has the legal responsibility and hence they call the shots. It’s not that hard to understand.

Just send her a text saying ‘ Hey Anna, just to let you know that Jack will be staying at the weekend, hope that’s fine with you, talk later.’

If she responds and says she is not ok with it ask her why and why should you not have someone over to stay….but still say he is staying

You really shouldn’t have asked the first time, you should have just told her

They do rent the house together. OPs housemate does not own the property and they split the rent.

There are housemate arrangements like this up and down the country.

Well if you don't need to live there then problem solved - go and live somewhere else and have your boyfriend to stay as much as you want.