AIBU to ask my housemate if my boyfriend can stay over for the night?

233 replies

RealAquaCat · 23/09/2025 20:16

Hello!
So I’ve been living with a friend/work colleague for almost a year now after my last relationship broke down. It’s been working well and has allowed me time to save up a house deposit.
However, here is where it isn’t working so well…

I’ve been with my current boyfriend for several months, and most weekends I will stay at his house. He has stayed here 3 times in total, only when my housemate won’t be home. We live about 35 miles apart, and a few weeks back I asked my housemate if my partner could spend the night one Friday as it would help me out a lot since we had something planned close to our location the next morning. She responded by saying ‘are you okay to go to his house instead?’ I was a little confused as it didn’t seem like a big deal, and would have saved me a 70 mile return journey - but she basically told me no. I’m assuming it’s because she would be home that night.

I would like him to stay for a night this weekend, as again, we have something planned close by the next morning. However, now I feel really awkward about asking. I’m in my 30’s yet I feel like I’m a teenager asking my parents if my boyfriend can stay! I pay rent to my housemate, and we would be out of her way if that’s what she wants. Am I unreasonable to think it should be okay for him to stay literally just once in a while?

Thank you!

OP posts:

Mum2twoandacockapoo · 25/09/2025 00:12

I would ask her how much notice she requires from you when you move out coz you’re looking for a proper flat now so you can have your boyfriend over officially as travelling 70 miles is getting a bit much especially when it’s only every now and then .

You will see how much she needs the money then , it’s time to move on coz she’s being unfair .

Blondeshavemorefun · 25/09/2025 00:52

Givenupshopping · 23/09/2025 21:03

OP, I think you need to ask her if you can sit down and have a chat about something, then once you're sitting comfortably, just say 'when I asked you if you'd mind Pete staying over a while back, you indicated that you'd be happier if I stayed at his place with him, is there a particular reason for this, because as you know, he lives 35 miles away, and it seems a bit daft for me to go to his house, only to have to come back next morning if we've got something going on in this area?' If she says 'I really don't like the idea of having a man in the house', or whatever, then I think you need to tell her that it's not something you would want to do every weekend, but just very occasionally. If she then says she's not happy for you to do that, then I think you need to tell her that in that case, you'll have to start looking for somewhere else, because it's beginning to feel like living back at home, and having to get your parents approval for your boyfriend to stay over, which at 30 years of age, isn't really on. Just be honest with her OP, what you want certainly isn't unreasonable, but when you share a home with someone then it should be give and take, and it sounds like she may be wanting to take, but not give, in which case, in your shoes I'd be looking for somewhere else to live.

This is good

how long are you planning to stay there and save ? Maybe she wants you out ?

Beancounter69 · 25/09/2025 11:42

Givenupshopping · 23/09/2025 21:39

OP, now that you've told us that your friend has had people stay over, I have to ask why you felt obliged to get her permission for your boyfriend to stay, and didn't just tell her that he would be there that weekend? If you had just assumed it was OK, as she has friends to stay, then it shouldn't have been a problem. Has she ever asked if you'd mind her having overnight guests?

I still think you need to sit down and have a conversation with her, and if she says she doesn't want your boyfriend to stay over, then I would definitely be looking for somewhere else now.

Exactly this…

ReneeBM · 25/09/2025 12:08

Whether it's a house share or you're lodging, to say no to occasional boyfriend sleepovers seems a bit mean. Even if she doesn't really like it, saying no to the occasional suggests she doesn't care if she upsets you/doesn't value you as a housemate (there's many, I'd guess, not as considerate as you - would just bring their boyfriend without mentioning it).
Either way, although it's given you the opportunity to save, it might be time to look around for alternative accomodations with someone a little less controlling/easier going.

Beachtastic · 26/09/2025 20:47

She sounds like a spoilt little madam. If I were you, I'd be searching Rightmove! Good luck!

ImGoneUnderground · 26/09/2025 20:57

RealAquaCat · 23/09/2025 20:43

She rents her house, and I split it with her. She’s definitely not my landlord

Show quote history

Sorry if I am repeating or missing some of the above posts - even if you split rent with her, are you named on the tenancy agreement? If not, then its her home, so her rules - agree with the above posts that an actual 'house share', with you being named on the tenancy agreement may be more suitable / comfortable / equal for you with regards to having your friends staying? (Guess that she is uncomfortable with having strangers (to her) in her home?).🌹

lilkitten · 27/09/2025 14:44

Has she told you the reason why? If she has some concerns? My DP used to share with a colleague (DP was the tenant, colleague paid half to him) and I only used to stay over at weekends as she would go home, as I didn't want to be in the way at other times (she had to walk through his bedroom to get to the bathroom) but I would stay til late in the evening sometimes. I don't think she would have had a problem with me staying, but I didn't want to inconvenience her

Gossipisgood · 01/10/2025 13:58

Be courteous & say ' Just a heads up xxx will be staying over this weekend as we're going to xxx & it's easier to leave from here than his place' If she asks can you not stay at his again just reply 'sorry no, like I said it's nearer to here than his' if you get into a conversation about it explain that you'd like to be able to have your BF or friends stay over once in a while in your own home. It's not like you're free loading from her, you pay half the rent so should have the right to have whoever you want stay without her agreement.

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