Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Finances when moving in together

228 replies

Dobetter · 23/09/2025 10:40

Hiya

Looking for some opinions/advice.

My partner has moved into my house, which I share with my DD (16).

Before moving in we didn’t have a conversation about finances. Call me silly but we are both very open, so I just assumed it would come up whilst here.

Yesterday, it came up 3 months after hes moved in. I’m yet to have any contribution from him.

We have his 3 children here every Saturday - Sunday and lucky enough I had a spare room which has now become their bedroom.

In yesterday’s conversation he has offered me £100 towards the bills and half to the food shopping. Is this reasonable? I didn’t give him much feedback as I felt like I was caught off guard and he delivered the conversation in a jokey way.

He said he is unwilling to contribute towards the mortgage. Whilst I appreciate it’s not his house, he can’t get a mortgage. Nor can he be put on this one, for various reasons. As I did make the suggestion for the future.

He was previously paying board at his parents house, as he lived there following a break up a few years ago. He said it’s my mortgage so my financial burden, however, if he rented he would have to pay someone else’s mortgage..

I’m open to suggestions, advice and opinions as to whether you think the above arrangement of £100 to bills and half the food shopping is reasonable, or if you think he should be contributing more.

We both work.

I have always paid the mortgage on my own prior to this, but obviously have less disposable income than him if this arrangement stands. He isn’t very giving or forthcoming financially, we tend to take turns or go halves when out and about.

If I’m honest part of me feels like he is taking advantage, as a 40 year old man, where can you live for £100 a month in 2025…

Thanks for your comments in advance.

OP posts:
Lollytea655 · 23/09/2025 10:45

I wouldn’t pay towards the mortgage, and I wouldn’t want my partner to pay towards my mortgage to ensure that my house is exactly that- mine, and he has no claim to it. Yes he’d be paying someone else’s mortgage if he was renting but he would also have rights over that property, you could kick him out tomorrow if you wanted to and there’s nothing he could do.

I’d be sitting down together & looking at how much the bills are, excluding mortgage, and figure it out from there. Either 50/50 on bills as there are two paying adults in the house, or if we look at people in the house he could argue you pay 66% (you & dd) and he pays 33% for “his share” with then an adjustment for his children.

Inthemane · 23/09/2025 10:48

Unwilling to contribute to the mortgage? Is he having a laugh? And you host his kids every weekend?
Where did you find this prince?

He can pay you rent, like he would elsewhere if he wasn’t living for free in your house.

To protect yourself and your DD going forward, never assume people have the same morals and values that you do. He saw you coming.

He needs to contribute to the bills, food shopping and pay you rent. Why should you have to pay for him to live in your house?

MathsMum3 · 23/09/2025 10:48

Doesn't sound enough to me. Basically, you're not gaining anything financially with him there, and maybe you're worse off. But he's massively better off than if he was renting somewhere. How is that a partnership?

Second, you've made compromises in your home by accommodating his children at weekends. What compromises has he made my moving in with you?

Third, what's he like around the home? Does he do DIY and help with housework etc? Maybe if he's contributing in that way, it's not so bad, but otherwise it sounds like he's taking the piss.

Mandylovescandy · 23/09/2025 10:50

Bills and food here come to about £1000 so I think £100 is ridiculous. My DP and I have quite separate finances and I pay the mortgage on my own but the rest we have a joint account for and share equally. DC are both ours though. I would in some ways think it fair if you put in slightly more towards bills and food as your DD is there all the time (though 3 kids every weekend is surely costing quite a bit in food etc as well) but then he isn't paying any rent. I would add up all the costs (energy, council tax, internet, food...) and show him and ask for 50/50 on them

Idontjetwashthefucker · 23/09/2025 10:51

He's royally taking the piss especially as his kids are with you every weekend! Sounds like a total cocklodger.

How long have you been together and how does your daughter feel about him moving in?

AmandaHoldensLips · 23/09/2025 10:54

He's taking the piss. This is typical of the "cock lodger" attitude. His argument being along the lines of "you're paying those bills anyway, so why should it be any different just because I'm now living here?"

By the sounds of it he's been swerving any kind of meaningful living costs for quite a while.

I saw this with a friend of mine who, after pretty much paying for everything for 2 years finally asked her partner to contribute £400 per month to the outgoings, at which point he said she was being unreasonable and moved out. He saw his money as "his" and didn't see any reason why he should contribute anything more than a token few quid here and there and the occasional Dominos pizza.

ZoggyStirdust · 23/09/2025 10:56

Mumsnet struggles with questions like this. A man not contributing to the mortgage is a cocklodger, but a man expecting his partner to pay towards his mortgage is taking advantage…

AmandaHoldensLips · 23/09/2025 10:57

Also - don't ever couch the contribution as anything other than rent or lodgings. The last thing you need is for him to start claiming that he has been paying part of your mortgage and therefore is owed a proportion of your house.

Frankly I'd be suggesting he move out and go and pay his own bills somewhere else.

IwouldlikeanewTV · 23/09/2025 10:59

My partner has moved in with me whilst we buy a house together. He pays £400 month, plus half of the food costs. I think this is reasonable for now.

IwouldlikeanewTV · 23/09/2025 11:00

I think he is taking the piss. Please don’t ever put him on your mortgage or house deeds.

SapphOhNo · 23/09/2025 11:00

You were a fool not to sort money before he moved in but now you know where you stand. £100 and half the food is insulting, no 40 year old man lives that cheap unless someone’s subsidising him. Mortgage or not, he’s living there full time with his kids staying too, so he should be contributing properly. If he refuses to discuss or increase it then he needs to pack his bags, otherwise he’s just taking you for a mug.

MostlyHappyMummy · 23/09/2025 11:04

So your daughter shares her home with another 3 children every weekend and you pretty much pay for the privilege?
I think it might help to talk to a close friend or family member to help you understand why you think allowing 4 other people to live in your house (almost for free) is something you are happy to do.
Is there a reason why you can't be in a relationship without living with the person?

Overthebow · 23/09/2025 11:05

How much are bills? I’d expect half the of the bills and half of the food as a start, him having his 3 DC at the weekend is equivalent to you having your DD all week so half is fair. The mortgage is trickier as you don’t want him paying directly for the mortgage. I’d maybe say for him to give you the £100 and half the food as he’s offered, then add half the bills then that seems fairer.

Anora · 23/09/2025 11:05

I’d say 50% of bills and shopping is fair, you’re both there full time and three children staying for two nights each is almost equivalent to your daughter living with you seven nights. Personally I would accept him not paying towards the mortgage to ensure he’s not able to attempt to make a claim on your house equity and to make it easier if you need to ask him to leave. You can always review things once he’s proven he can make a consistent financial contribution. I would also expect him to pay at least 50% of shopping plus £100 for the time he’s already lived with you and to do a fair share of the housework.

PussInBin20 · 23/09/2025 11:07

He shouldn’t pay the mortgage but definitely should be paying half the bills.

Cottagecheeseisnotcheese · 23/09/2025 11:08

Write down all the bills and get a total there are 2 adults and 1 teenager there permanently and 3 children there 2/7 days. So to be accurate re food are his children there for 3 meals per day for Saturday and Sunday every week
In which case you and Dd eat 21 meals per week each is 42 in total, DP eats 21 and his children eat 18 total 39 so 50/50 split on food is about right as people tend to eat slightly more at weekends.
Regarding other bills he should pay a minimum of 25%council tax as you will have lost single person discount broadband doesn't cost more when more people use it so debatable what share is paid, electric and heating probably 66%you 33%him . Phones cars house insurance mortgage house maintenance you are responsible. he pays his own car phone etc. you pay for your own kids clothes phones school stuff etc if you go out to an attraction you pay for your kid he pays for his.

Numbers don't lie people do

Blondeshavemorefun · 23/09/2025 11:08

100 towards bills ? Why not pay half of them ?

you would have lost your 25% discount from ct

Handmethegunandaskmeagain · 23/09/2025 11:11

Lollytea655 · 23/09/2025 10:45

I wouldn’t pay towards the mortgage, and I wouldn’t want my partner to pay towards my mortgage to ensure that my house is exactly that- mine, and he has no claim to it. Yes he’d be paying someone else’s mortgage if he was renting but he would also have rights over that property, you could kick him out tomorrow if you wanted to and there’s nothing he could do.

I’d be sitting down together & looking at how much the bills are, excluding mortgage, and figure it out from there. Either 50/50 on bills as there are two paying adults in the house, or if we look at people in the house he could argue you pay 66% (you & dd) and he pays 33% for “his share” with then an adjustment for his children.

I agree with all of this. You need to look at the bills. Especially as you will have lost your single person council tax discount etc. so will be paying more for things like that.

NutButterOnToast · 23/09/2025 11:11

100 quid?! Is that some sort of joke?

It's up to you how you split the bills with 2 adults and 3 children in the mix but given that his children have a room of their own he should be paying rent for that.

I'm gobsmacked.

keepmeright · 23/09/2025 11:12

£100 is nowhere near enough! He needs to pay his fair share. Half of the bills & a contribution of 'rent'. He doesn't get to live there for free!

Thundertoast · 23/09/2025 11:12

Its rent, he's renting off you. Its got nothing to do with your mortgage as presumably you were paying that just fine before he rocked up! Look up the rent a room scheme, there's a cap how much you can charge tax free a year.
I sought advice on this and was essentially told to stay smart - have him pay his 'rent' into a standalone bank account where your mortgage and bills dont come out of - then use that for food, petrol etc (or transfer money periodically into your account labelled 'transfer', not 'rent' etc, while the paper trail shows your wage/benefits paying the bills out of your own accounts. Don't ever put yourself in a position where you earn below whats needed to cover bills/mortgage, or in future he could say 'she wasn't earning enough, so my contribution was needed to keep a roof over her head' Don't let him pay for house improvements etc. If he or his children damage something and he pays you back for it, make sure there's a paper trail of discussing specifically what the money is for and its labelled 'sofa damage' etc. Basically any time money changes hands, you need to think 'could he use this as evidence he has contributed to my mortgage or the house equity' as opposed to 'this paper trail shows he is a tenant'.
However, the fact he thinks he should basically live for free and not pay rent is reason enough to dump him. Why would he want you to take all the risk, as a homeowner? Why wouldn't he want you both to be better off as opposed to just him? If he is so keen to not pay someone else's mortgage then he should go get one himself, elsewhere...

Handmethegunandaskmeagain · 23/09/2025 11:13

Also, if he can’t and won’t ever come on the mortgage, don’t marry him. He’ll have a claim on the property immediately then.

Bimblebombles · 23/09/2025 11:13

Arrange a proper conversation with him - one when you're both calm, alone, focused and no other distractions going on. Lay out what you want. If there's any hint of argument from him or uproar then you need to think about what you want to do.

He and his kids outnumber you and your DD - I wouldn't like that. I'd feel like it wasn't my own home anymore.

workshy46 · 23/09/2025 11:14

Lollytea655 · 23/09/2025 10:45

I wouldn’t pay towards the mortgage, and I wouldn’t want my partner to pay towards my mortgage to ensure that my house is exactly that- mine, and he has no claim to it. Yes he’d be paying someone else’s mortgage if he was renting but he would also have rights over that property, you could kick him out tomorrow if you wanted to and there’s nothing he could do.

I’d be sitting down together & looking at how much the bills are, excluding mortgage, and figure it out from there. Either 50/50 on bills as there are two paying adults in the house, or if we look at people in the house he could argue you pay 66% (you & dd) and he pays 33% for “his share” with then an adjustment for his children.

Lodgers rates .. why should he live rent free so he is substantially better off and she is substantially worse off. He is a cock lodger .. seriously he saw you coming .. get him out now .. this will only get worse. 3 months and he has given you nothing and now offering 100 quid and half the food bill .. unbelievable

caringcarer · 23/09/2025 11:15

£100 a month, I thought he was offering £100 a week and then I thought it was too low if his kids come at the weekend. I'd be asking him to leave. He's a user. He's taking you for a mug. I would have thought £500 pcm to include his rent to you, bills and food plus food and accommodation for his kids.