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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Finances when moving in together

228 replies

Dobetter · 23/09/2025 10:40

Hiya

Looking for some opinions/advice.

My partner has moved into my house, which I share with my DD (16).

Before moving in we didn’t have a conversation about finances. Call me silly but we are both very open, so I just assumed it would come up whilst here.

Yesterday, it came up 3 months after hes moved in. I’m yet to have any contribution from him.

We have his 3 children here every Saturday - Sunday and lucky enough I had a spare room which has now become their bedroom.

In yesterday’s conversation he has offered me £100 towards the bills and half to the food shopping. Is this reasonable? I didn’t give him much feedback as I felt like I was caught off guard and he delivered the conversation in a jokey way.

He said he is unwilling to contribute towards the mortgage. Whilst I appreciate it’s not his house, he can’t get a mortgage. Nor can he be put on this one, for various reasons. As I did make the suggestion for the future.

He was previously paying board at his parents house, as he lived there following a break up a few years ago. He said it’s my mortgage so my financial burden, however, if he rented he would have to pay someone else’s mortgage..

I’m open to suggestions, advice and opinions as to whether you think the above arrangement of £100 to bills and half the food shopping is reasonable, or if you think he should be contributing more.

We both work.

I have always paid the mortgage on my own prior to this, but obviously have less disposable income than him if this arrangement stands. He isn’t very giving or forthcoming financially, we tend to take turns or go halves when out and about.

If I’m honest part of me feels like he is taking advantage, as a 40 year old man, where can you live for £100 a month in 2025…

Thanks for your comments in advance.

OP posts:

Thatcrazymama · 23/09/2025 20:11

No. Don't add him to ur mortgage.

But he can't live for free 100 towards bills n half the food he's joking !! I would suggest u tell him to move out and find his own place n u can't be having a hobo in ur house ! Protect ur house n ur kid ! Kick him out let him pay his own expenses n u can be together n live apart

Rosalind1971 · 23/09/2025 20:13

Got any more rooms going at £100 per month, he's taking the piss massively get rid

Ponderingwindow · 23/09/2025 20:18

I would expect rent plus bills and he buys his and his children’s share of food and sundries.

his suggestion is a bargain.

if you don’t want him paying “rent” then all bills, his food and sundries, plus a payment equivalent to rent into a fund for household expenses. That fund can cover things like small home repairs, small furniture, etc, all of which are going to wear out faster with more people living in the house.

josa · 23/09/2025 20:20

Twattergy · 23/09/2025 19:07

OP please dont present this in an apologetic way. Just say 'funny you mentioned about the £100 contribution...I've done some totting up of all the costs outside of the mortgage and your half comes to £xxx (id guess its at least £500?) so when can you set up the direct debit?' If he's not up for it you can say that doesn't work for you, so its his choice to pay or move out.

I love this answer, however the fact is he has already only offered you £100 a month. Huge huge red flag. You will be financially poorer without a doubt. I’m not sure what else he brings to this relationship but you are providing him and his children a home. I would ask him to return to his parents & live happily alone with my daughter again. And I speak as a single mum so appreciate it can be tough. But not as tough as living with a leech. Good luck in your conversation with him.

Pineapplewaves · 23/09/2025 20:20

He should be paying 1/3 of all the bills except the mortgage, you pay 1/3 for yourself and 1/3 for DD. You both pay for your own cars, mobile phones and for items personal to yourselves that the other family members do not use, gym membership for example. He should be paying for everything his kids need at the weekend, all their food and activities. He should be responsible for all household tasks relating to his DC including keeping their room tidy and clearing up after them.

TinderFan · 23/09/2025 20:22

My partner has just moved in to my house and he’s paying me £700 a month!!! We have no dependents etc. £100 is ridiculous, he’s taking the absolute piss.

Sleepyheads123 · 23/09/2025 20:27

Chuck this one back OP! Mean with money is not attractive!

Bangolads · 23/09/2025 20:28

Run.

BluntPlumHam · 23/09/2025 20:30

This is why there is an epidemic of useless men who are able to so easily take advantage of women… because women allow it. Why is the standard so damn low? Why are you even letting him move in with you to begin with? Then you cater to his children on the weekend. How is your 16 year old viewing this? He’s clearly taking advantage of you and has it perhaps occurred to you that he’s with you for the free accommodation and food?

PinkyFlamingo · 23/09/2025 20:31

Well he saw you coming didnt he!

PinkyFlamingo · 23/09/2025 20:32

I really despair why some women put up with this

ByRealLemonFox · 23/09/2025 20:35

My son who is 20 pays more than that in rent to me each month and that's without him having kids here. £100 is stupid. You really need to be getting £50% of all bills and food (minus the mortgage off course). He is after a free ride in life.

Rainbowqueeen · 23/09/2025 20:37

Good luck for the conversation. If he is not willing to accept your point of view, apologetic and offers himself to immediately refund you for the first 3 months then kick him out. He is clearly not a good man for refusing to pay his way from the start so I would also end the relationship. Why waste more of your time on someone like this?

Busybeemumm · 23/09/2025 20:42

I'm shocked at the audacity of this man. His 3 kids there sat-sun every weekend and he pays £100 and half for food.

What does your DD think about his kids there every weekend!

He is massively taking the piss. You are worse off in this relationship and he is better off! I would rather be living on my own with my DD than have someone take advantage of me.

NettleTea · 23/09/2025 20:47

I assumed he was saying £100 a week, which is what my daughter pays me for board.

And I thought for a working man, who is bringing 3 kids for 2 days a week, that was a joke.

It should be 50% on all bills, including all food, plus a rental/ lodger contribution that is cheaper he would have paid if he was private renting - that way he is saving and you are benefiting too

3 kids for 2 days is pretty equivilent to 1 kid for 7 days, which is why I suggest 5050, especially as those days are weekends where the utility usage is likely to be higher than midweek when your DD is at school / college.

Aimtodobetter · 23/09/2025 20:48

He should pay a reasonable amount to you that is more than 50% of the bills / food but less than if he was renting completely by himself. That number is obviously way more than £100. The right level is one where you are both "benefiting" financially from the efficiency of sharing a home versus having separate homes. I don't really understand why a fully grown partner with kids is considered to be "paying some one else's mortgage" but mumsnet will regularly suggest a young adult in their early twenties should pay rent at home.

MyGingerNinja · 23/09/2025 20:48

What is his excuse for not giving you anything towards his and his children’s living expenses for the last 3 months? He should be ashamed of himself but instead he offers you £100? Your council tax will have gone up plus water, heating, electricity with 4 extra people I bet you are actually worse off now and he is expecting basically a free ride? I think you should get rid he is clearly taking the mickey and has no respect for you or your daughter or himself for that matter!

MauveExpert · 23/09/2025 20:48

My husband moved into my home a few years ago. He pays half the bills, his own share of food and he also pays a small additional amount to help balance things a bit.
We set it up that way whilst dating and it continued to work for us when we got married. If he’d rented somewhere, he’d be paying masses more for a similar quality of property so it seemed fair all round.

We had a simple legal agreement drawn up when we got married to say that he is not paying towards ownership of the house.

I honestly feel your situation sounds very unbalanced and he is taking advantage. I’d say this to a woman or man in this situation.
Life is expensive and one partner shouldn’t be getting such a free ride- especially as he’s burdening your home with three extra people regularly!
The additional impact of energy bills, food, wear and tear of the house..

I’m honestly in shock that a person in a partnership would expect this situation to be ok. Protect yourself financially against this man..

lessglittermoremud · 23/09/2025 20:50

I wouldn’t want him to contribute to the mortgage and I certainly wouldn’t be adding him to it.
I would split all other bills 50/50, if his children didn’t stay then I would say he should pay 1/3 but they do so 50/50 is easier.
I know someone who used to charge 20% of the monthly mortgage payment as ‘wear and tear’ on top of the split bills, which may be worth considering. £100 is a joke and I’m not surprised his offer has made you reflect on the relationship.
When I still lived at home I paid my lone parent the difference between the council tax deduction for being the sole adult and me being another adult there, 1/3 of the utilities as there was a younger sibling also at home and used to get food shopping in as and when needed. Back 20 years ago that was probably just over £100 then, my DH used to pay £75 pw as a lodger back then as well. Your partner’s sums are very out of date!

AllIsWellBecause · 23/09/2025 20:50

I cannot understand how ladies allow this to happen to them...
in my world you are looking to be treated like a lady, to be shown you are desired, you are a prize, a desired woman to him, he wants to protect you, to love you, to be with you - and money plays a very big part in this type of dating

ZingyLemonMoose · 23/09/2025 20:52

He should be paying half of everything and all of his children’s costs

AllIsWellBecause · 23/09/2025 20:55

where is the love and respect and partnership ....he is called partner and all he does, is take, take, take, use, use, shame on him, a grown man, with a massive appetite and not 1 but 3 children

Changedforcontroversialpost · 23/09/2025 20:57

£100 isn’t even half of the council tax bill anywhere in this country. He is completely mugging you off and using you. You need a sharp tongue because you’re being financially abused - sorry! 50% of bills and 50% of food or separate food IMO.

Justgorgeous · 23/09/2025 20:57

Why have you allowed him to move in with you and your daughter ? Is she OK with it. I would ask him to leave if that is all he wants to contribute.

Jenkibubble · 23/09/2025 20:59