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Original poster

Finances when moving in together

228 replies

Dobetter · 23/09/2025 10:40

Hiya

Looking for some opinions/advice.

My partner has moved into my house, which I share with my DD (16).

Before moving in we didn’t have a conversation about finances. Call me silly but we are both very open, so I just assumed it would come up whilst here.

Yesterday, it came up 3 months after hes moved in. I’m yet to have any contribution from him.

We have his 3 children here every Saturday - Sunday and lucky enough I had a spare room which has now become their bedroom.

In yesterday’s conversation he has offered me £100 towards the bills and half to the food shopping. Is this reasonable? I didn’t give him much feedback as I felt like I was caught off guard and he delivered the conversation in a jokey way.

He said he is unwilling to contribute towards the mortgage. Whilst I appreciate it’s not his house, he can’t get a mortgage. Nor can he be put on this one, for various reasons. As I did make the suggestion for the future.

He was previously paying board at his parents house, as he lived there following a break up a few years ago. He said it’s my mortgage so my financial burden, however, if he rented he would have to pay someone else’s mortgage..

I’m open to suggestions, advice and opinions as to whether you think the above arrangement of £100 to bills and half the food shopping is reasonable, or if you think he should be contributing more.

We both work.

I have always paid the mortgage on my own prior to this, but obviously have less disposable income than him if this arrangement stands. He isn’t very giving or forthcoming financially, we tend to take turns or go halves when out and about.

If I’m honest part of me feels like he is taking advantage, as a 40 year old man, where can you live for £100 a month in 2025…

Thanks for your comments in advance.

OP posts:
MoominMai · 23/09/2025 16:34

If I’m honest part of me feels like he is taking advantage, as a 40 year old man, where can you live for £100 a month in 2025…

Just ‘a part!’?! I think we’re all wholly thinking this is co*klodgery of the worst degree! I hope you will come back to read the wise advice of PP and reconsider your options for yourself and the benefit of your DD also.

Anyahyacinth · 23/09/2025 16:39

Minnie798 · 23/09/2025 15:28

Keep your mortgage and all costs associated with your house completely separate. You do not want him contributing to any of that and being able to stake a claim in the future.
Renters have a legal agreement, terms and conditions and rights under the law. The landlord also has legal responsibilities.You and your partner don't have any of this, so you can't compare it to a landlord and renter situation.
I would think half of household bills and food is reasonable. His children are only there two days a week but there are three of them, compared to your one. His dc's probably eat in a weekend what your dc does all week ( depending on their ages).

This legal understanding isn’t correct - rent a room, lodgers all quite different. At present he is a licencee who can be charged rent and acquires no rights

Greenfingers37 · 23/09/2025 17:11

I can’t believe you even need to ask.
He is taking the complete and utter piss and is a cocklodger of the highest order.
He should be paying rent and half the bills.

Original poster
Dobetter · 23/09/2025 17:11

Thanks to everyone for your input.

Whilst I appreciate I asked for opinions, there is no “poor daughter” in this. Firstly, she is not aware of anything financially as she is a child and that business isn’t a concern of hers. Secondly, she has always and will always be number one. I consult her in every decision I intend to make and we have an excellent relationship. She has known said person since she was 18 months old. It isn’t a stranger to her. Further, I’m not and never will be “desperate” for a man. What I am is human, and I got feelings for someone who it appears is taking my kindness as a weakness.

In terms of the finances it seems it’s kind of a split opinion when it comes to the mortgage. But I think I agree with the element of wear and tear. Yes, I also lost my council tax discount. I asked the question as I didn’t have anyone else I could ask, but in reality I knew the answer for myself is that I’m not happy with his proposed amount.

My intention is to have the discussion this evening. I can’t imagine it is going to go well and do believe the best option will be for him to move out. Where that leaves the relationship I do not know and after reading some home truths on here, it has made me question entirely whether this is in fact a relationship I should be in.

Thank you everyone.

OP posts:
Zempy · 23/09/2025 17:16

There is a “poor daughter” to consider here, because every single pound this bloke leeches off of you is money that is being diverted towards him and his children, rather than to you and your DD.

I hope for her sake you see sense.

Bigcat25 · 23/09/2025 17:16

In sharing a household, you should both be better off financially, and you're not. Does $100 even cover his share of utilities? I doubt it. He needs to pay more.

AmandaHoldensLips · 23/09/2025 17:25

You might want to list everything out before you have the discussion so that you can show him.

Council tax (the percentage that you lost at the very least, but more accurately 50% of the total)
Utilities - % of water, gas, electric, broadband
Insurance
Food & household (all the non-edible stuff that's really bloody expensive like laundry tabs, bog roll, toiletries, blah blah)
TV license / streaming subscriptions

And this is all just the tip of the iceberg of the general cost of living.

Cece92 · 23/09/2025 17:31

My sisters partner moved into her flat mortgage in her name and she did make it clear she wasn’t adding him anytime soon. They do plan to buy in the futures together. He pays 50% of every bill. They both transfer 50% into an account she uses for bills and food. Whatever’s left in their accounts is theirs for fuel/bus fares phone contracts. X

Pinkypantspurple · 23/09/2025 17:37

i paid my parents £250 pcm as rent and bought my own food in 2013 when I moved home!

chattyness · 23/09/2025 17:46

He needs to pay more than that especially as his kids are with you every weekend too. It doesn't matter how much he earns, it's about how much living costs, food and bills don't cost any less because you earn less.
I see your update OP & hope you get things sorted out, don't let him take advantage of your kindness

Tdcp · 23/09/2025 17:49

Half of all bills and food minus the mortgage / house insurance is reasonable.

Houseleeks · 23/09/2025 17:51

Good lord he's a chancer. What he needs to pay you is rent, which is entirely different to contributing to your mortgage. If he thinks that's unfair then he needs to move into his own rented property, like an adult. The only fair way, is for him to pay half of all costs of him living with you (including the council tax difference), plus a monthly rent at a proportion of what a rented property would cost. If he sets up a standing order it needs to be identified as "Rent" on your statement so he cannot claim he's been paying the mortgage.
FWIW I think you've been very generous to him and his daughters, but he's now taking advantage of your generosity. Good luck with the conversation, but it sounds as though it would be best if he left.

Blondeshavemorefun · 23/09/2025 17:52

So you’ve been with him 14yrs or known him that long ?

who suggested him moving in?

You say he can’t be our on the mortgagee for various reasons

what reasons out of curiosity ?

thi obv you don’t want him on it. It’s yours and you have paid it alone for years

plus you want him to have no claim on the house so when you die it all goes or dd

Echoeingecho · 23/09/2025 17:53

Cock lodger.

TwistedWonder · 23/09/2025 17:58

It doesn’t matter how long your DD known him, you’re still bankrolling him and therefore got less money that should be for you and your DD. You may have known him years but he’s now showing you his true freeloading colours.

WatchingTheDetective · 23/09/2025 17:58

His mum must have been thrilled (and confused) when he moved in with you, OP. She's probably saved a fortune since.

user1471538283 · 23/09/2025 18:00

£100 a month towards bills? That would be half my electricity and gas bill. So what about water, council tax, netflix?

Half the grocery bill is ok but what about toiletries, loo roll, bleach, laundry detergent?

How much would it be for him to rent a flat? Surely he should pay you that as well?

Years ago I went on a couple of dates with a man who thought he could move in and just pay for his food because it would save him money and I was paying the rent and bills anyway. No.

Where do these men get off? Your DC standard of living is dropping because his DC are there and you are worse off. Every penny you spend subsidizing him and his DC is a penny less for your own DC.

WrylyAmused · 23/09/2025 18:02

So in one week, you have 2 people there 7 days (14) and he has one person there 7 days plus 3 people there 2 days (13).
So I'd say all bills as well as food should both be 50/50, or 13/27 vs 14/27, which is v close to 50/50.

I would get a lodging/cohabitation agreement drawn up, which can cover the above as well as provision for rent, and provision for breaking things/reimbursing you for damage, at a minimum. That is fine and valid even after he's moved in. Lodgers don't have any rights, and that's essentially what he is here. He shouldn't be on the mortgage, he's just renting space from you.

I wouldn't expect 50% of the mortgage, but (assuming he's sharing a room with you, and you've said his kids have the spare room), he should be paying at least equivalent for what it would cost to rent a room in a houseshare as nice as your home, potentially at least 1.5 rooms because he's also having space for his kids. You can look on www.spareroom.com to get your local area comparisons. He should definitely be contributing something to his accommodation - why should you be subsidising him, and his children, and taking on costs to save him money? As pp have said, you should both end up better off than if you were living separately and both had to pay 100% of the costs.

SpareRoom - the roommate site you can trust

Search for rooms, sublets or roommates the fast safe and easy way - all across the US.

https://www.spareroom.com/

ApricotCheesecake · 23/09/2025 18:23

Good luck for the conversation tonight @Dobetter - I hope it goes better than you expect. Let us know how you get on.

needapokerface · 23/09/2025 18:35

He as a minimum needs to pay half of ctax, gas,electric, broadband, tv licence, and at least 50% of the food. If his 3 children like different things to your child, he needs to pay for them seperate. He also needs to pay for all their toiltries, bedding, clothes etc.

He should be paying at least 500 for bills and then the food and things for his children, and he needs to back date it to when he moved in

Littlemrsconfetti · 23/09/2025 18:40

Ohh no. He is a walking red flag. Just tell him to move back in with his parents.

He can't be genuine and you should of had this discussion already!!.

How much is your mortgage? Rent or mortgage He should go halves. £100 is ridiculous. He sounds tight too. Have long have you been dating him?

Littlemrsconfetti · 23/09/2025 18:47

Houseleeks · 23/09/2025 17:51

Good lord he's a chancer. What he needs to pay you is rent, which is entirely different to contributing to your mortgage. If he thinks that's unfair then he needs to move into his own rented property, like an adult. The only fair way, is for him to pay half of all costs of him living with you (including the council tax difference), plus a monthly rent at a proportion of what a rented property would cost. If he sets up a standing order it needs to be identified as "Rent" on your statement so he cannot claim he's been paying the mortgage.
FWIW I think you've been very generous to him and his daughters, but he's now taking advantage of your generosity. Good luck with the conversation, but it sounds as though it would be best if he left.

Absolutely agree. OP needs to kick him out.

Baggyit · 23/09/2025 18:48

OP, you have a man moved in who is living off you and he has brought his children from 3 different women with him for good luck at the weekend.
All being paid for by you.
Is this what you want for your daughter?
This is Jeremy Kyle show territory.

You think the posts are harsh?
I think they have gone seriously easy after what you have written.

He's a complete user loser.

You deserve better.
Your daughter deserves better.
She most certainly is not an oblivious child at 16.
16 year olds can be very clued in.

Expect him to try and talk you around tonight.
He really won't want to give up his sweet free accommodation, food, home for his children deal that you have given him.

femfemlicious · 23/09/2025 18:56

ZoggyStirdust · 23/09/2025 10:56

Mumsnet struggles with questions like this. A man not contributing to the mortgage is a cocklodger, but a man expecting his partner to pay towards his mortgage is taking advantage…

Exactly 💯 💯 💯 a million %. I've seen it a million times before here. Men are supposed to pay for women apparently. Its "romantic and generous " when a man pays for a woman

Twattergy · 23/09/2025 19:07

OP please dont present this in an apologetic way. Just say 'funny you mentioned about the £100 contribution...I've done some totting up of all the costs outside of the mortgage and your half comes to £xxx (id guess its at least £500?) so when can you set up the direct debit?' If he's not up for it you can say that doesn't work for you, so its his choice to pay or move out.