Finances when moving in together

[Dobetter]

Hiya

Looking for some opinions/advice.

My partner has moved into my house, which I share with my DD (16).

Before moving in we didn’t have a conversation about finances. Call me silly but we are both very open, so I just assumed it would come up whilst here.

Yesterday, it came up 3 months after hes moved in. I’m yet to have any contribution from him.

We have his 3 children here every Saturday - Sunday and lucky enough I had a spare room which has now become their bedroom.

In yesterday’s conversation he has offered me £100 towards the bills and half to the food shopping. Is this reasonable? I didn’t give him much feedback as I felt like I was caught off guard and he delivered the conversation in a jokey way.

He said he is unwilling to contribute towards the mortgage. Whilst I appreciate it’s not his house, he can’t get a mortgage. Nor can he be put on this one, for various reasons. As I did make the suggestion for the future.

He was previously paying board at his parents house, as he lived there following a break up a few years ago. He said it’s my mortgage so my financial burden, however, if he rented he would have to pay someone else’s mortgage..

I’m open to suggestions, advice and opinions as to whether you think the above arrangement of £100 to bills and half the food shopping is reasonable, or if you think he should be contributing more.

We both work.

I have always paid the mortgage on my own prior to this, but obviously have less disposable income than him if this arrangement stands. He isn’t very giving or forthcoming financially, we tend to take turns or go halves when out and about.

If I’m honest part of me feels like he is taking advantage, as a 40 year old man, where can you live for £100 a month in 2025…

Thanks for your comments in advance.

if I were you I’d not want him paying towards my mortgage as it’s your home and it could leave you at risk if the relationship breaks down.
However, he should at least be splitting the bills 50/50 and the food shopping too.
Him living with you and his kids every weekend will leave you so much worse off while he’s loads better off. I don’t understand why anyone who says the love you would want to take the piss like this as he clearly is. I’m sorry, it’s really tricky but better you tackle it now. I wouldn’t let me partner live with me if they were behaving that way

This! A hundred times over. What does he spend all his wages on if he only pays £100 a month for accommodation, food, bills? I can't see what you get out of this arrangement at all.

You say 40% of bills minimum, you haven’t asked him to pay the mortgage but you’re very disappointed he expected a free ride rather than being in a relationship where he contributes like an adult and tell him he needs to see his children elsewhere until we’ve locked this in as if he’s just a freeloading guest then he doesn’t get to have his children stay too.

What a prick, seriously £100 a month? And it took him three months to even pay that? You pay everything else, he calls your mortgage your ‘financial burden’ and you host his children.

I just can’t see what you are getting from this relationship at all OP. He is showing his colours here.

Youv got yourself a cocklodger he’s never going to pay his way.

To be honest he is taking you for a ride. He needs to pay half the bills, including food but excluding the mortgage. He then needs to pay you rent on top at least for his kids bedroom (maybe the price of a 1 bed studio flat). Do not let him contribute to the mortgage - you do not want him having any claim over any of your house equity in the future.

so for £100 a month he is is being housed, fed and and his 3 dc stay over every weekend. I don't know where to begin. Oh and some money towards the groceries.

He really doesn't respect, love or care about you and your dc. If he did he wouldn't be able to take such advantage of you both.

He is massively taking the piss, OP. While him not paying your mortgage when he's not on it (and he shouldn't not be on it) is reasonable, you buying your home isn't the only thing going on here, he's still getting a roof over his head. Him moving in should be a boon for both of you, it shouldn't be leaving you with the same amount as you had before he moved in (and definitely not less), you should be a bit better off. He should be doing better than if he lived alone too. You aren't his parents and shouldn't be subsidising him like his parents do. If he prefers to be subsidised, he should stay with them, but if he wants a grown up relationship he needs to pay his way.

I think it's highly unlikely he will be eating less than £100 a month in food, let alone his three kids every Saturday, the loss of utility you have with his presence and the spare bedroom dedicated to his kids, the council tax discount gone, and the increase in bills.

He needs to pay, at minimum, half of the council tax (as you are two adults living there, which is who is liable for council tax, your DC doesn't count), any loss to benefits to you have suffered because he's moved in, the entire uptick in food costs, some amount for loss of utility and wear and tear, and 40% or more of the bills for gas/electric/water/TVlicense/Virgin/netflix/etc. and some amount for wear and tear/loss of utility. His three kids are there 4 days a month, assuming it's only 24 hours not 9 am Sat to 9pm Sunday, or something, that means and extra 12 people days. So he and his kids are there utilising power, water and all the other utilities for 42 days a month and you and your DC for 60. Weekends are also more intensive for use of utilities, so that's pretty generous on your part.

I'm not going to go on about your poor DC if you've gone over this with her and are checking she's on board, I don't think it's impossible to bring another partner into the household when you have a child. But I do think you've been naive in a way that isn't in her best interests.

In particular you do not seem to have put your financial wellbeing high on your list of priorities. You let this guy move in without discussing money, even though you know he's a bit tight fisted. You offered to put him on the mortgage, which is not far sighted. And you are wondering if his offer which outrageously short changes you, made after he'd been there 3 whole months, is reasonable instead of immediately calling him out on his using you. This is not good for you long term nor your DC. And I wonder about the impression you give her letting someone who is prepared to short change you and her to this extent into your life.

He pays 100 plus half the food.

Unless he buys his own food, I'd say he should pay 70% of grocery bills, taking account of the fact that his children live there part time. He should also pay 50% of utility bills and a realistic sum in rent, say £400 a month, because you have given up the many advantages of having your house to yourself.

@Dobetter i didn’t read past he offered you £100.
Just wow !!!!
Seriously op send him packing . He will leach off you . He needs to grow up.
Why should o you carry a man AND his kids.
Jeeze

His attitude absolutely stinks.
he should be paying you rent. You can give him a boyfriend discount if you like, but he needs to rent .
he contributes each month and half of bills.
if he doesn’t then he can just go back to his parents and get out of your daughters home she gains nothing from this tight man being around all day.

thats because I bet in this scenario a woman would become unpaid babysitter cleaner and cook, but he just sits around being served

Rent should at least be equivalent to half the mortgage interest as that is basically rent

How did your discussion go?

I would ask him to move out. This is not a man that you want or need in your life. He is a free loader. He is taking the complete piss.

I don’t usually say such extreme things but this is so obviously an indication he is just living off of your good nature. He isn’t interested in an equal partnership and feels he is entitled to live in your property without paying an equal share. He even brings his 3 kids aswell.

you are a mug if you put up with this nonsense. Please ask him to leave. This isn’t going to end well.

Make sure whatever he pays you goes into a different bank account to the one your mortgage comes out of so he can not lay claim to your home in the future. I'd think hard about offering anyone your hard earned security, especially someone who is happy to take advantage and has proven financial issues in the past. £100 a month and half the food absolutely means he will be living off you/using you and is nowhere near as invested in this relationship as you are. £100 a week and half the food would be a low offer, but more reasonable/fair.

The man saw you coming.

even if he doesn’t contribute towards the mortgage £100 for three months doesn’t even cover the gas and electric him and his three kids are using. Let alone food, and any other bills like council tax, Netflix etc. let alone the fact he’s been able to move straight into a fully furnished house without having to worry about spending a penny.

He has zero respect for you because anyone who did would be paying their way.

He should be paying at least half of every bill including food and excluding the mortgage if not more considering he’s bringing three children into the house.

You say he can’t get a mortgage or have his name put on one. It sounds like he’s shit with his money and saw you as an opportunity.

Wat a joker. He should pay half of all bills apart from the mortgage (that’s protecting yourself) and if he was decent he’d treat you to things as he has no rent/mortgage outgoing. £100!!!! He needs to move out otherwise.

Op how did it go?

if he does move out, I really recommend you get a great lodger. Someone like a student or an early career doctor /nurse that’s on placement. This would really enrich your daughter and help you save up for holidays or to help her at uni if she goes etc or just pay off your mortgage a bit faster.

How many bills do you pay monthly to run your home? Probably seven? Property tax, internet, insurance, council tax, water, heat, electricity? There's a lot of sunk costs in owning a home. You should sit down and spell out all the bills you pay and the total. Housing is expensive even if your home is paid off, with maintenance, tax and insurance.

When a couple lives together, both parties should be better off financially. He is better off and you are worse off. That yes ok with this is obviously a problem.

He’s got to be kidding! Just for trying it on I’d move him right back out!

OP I saw this on Facebook and had to come onto the app to tell you what a dickhead you’ve been! And his £100 contribution is an insult!

Just make sure you cover yourself.

Write down what the joint bills are - gas, electric, water, council tax, streaming services/TV license, broadband, contents insurance etc and split those costs 50/50.

Then add something on as rent, doesn’t need to be much, the £100 he’s offered would be enough. Be clear and also write down the agreement that his £100 a month contribution is rent and not a mortgage contribution.

It is a partnership. Not somewhere for him to live while it is convenient for him.

How did the talk go?