To be shocked to see my (female) friend described as “they” on her work website?

[CandidMoss]

I was looking at a friend’s company website and noticed she’s now listed as “they/them.” It really surprised me, I’ve only ever known her to use “she” and she’s never mentioned anything about changing pronouns.

Not sure if it’s a mistake, a work policy or a personal shift she hasn’t shared. AIBU to feel a bit blindsided? Or is it none of my business?

I can’t really imagine being blindsided by something like this, I’d barely notice!

Your friend probably didn’t write it and had no input into what was written. I wouldn’t have even noticed let alone give it a second thought. Why do you care?

I don't get why you are blindsided. Her choice of pronouns should have no impact on your friendship.

If your friend is bothered by it and the company are incorrect, it's easily changed. Sometimes they/them is used as a generic term for people who haven't shared their pronouns, which isn't the right way to do it.

If it's what they chose to display on the website, perhaps they aren't sharing it with people they know who will be "blindsided" over such a simple thing?

I understand your point but I think it’s natural to notice something like that when you’ve known someone for years and they’ve always used a different pronoun. It’s not about caring in a judgemental way, more that it surprised me and I wondered if it was intentional or a formatting error, especially since other bios were gendered.

If she did choose to change her pronouns, of course that entirely her right, I’d just want to be respectful. But if it wasn’t her input (e.g. workplace standardisation or a mistake), I wouldn’t want to assume either. I don’t think noticing something and wondering about it makes me a bad friend, I’m just human.

Why are you even searching for your friends and reading their work profiles, that’s odd behaviour.

I would hazard a guess that this entire scenario is made up to stir up anger against people who don’t use traditional pronouns.

i am female but happy to use either she/her or they/them.

happy for they /them to be used as a gender neutral term: not sure why everything needs to be gendered (side eyes the entire French language)

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That’s quite an assumption. I actually have an interview at the company and was reading up on the team, it’s not that deep.

I only recognised my friend because of her photo and name and noticed the pronouns were different from what I’ve always known her to use. That’s it.

I don’t have an issue with it at all, I just wasn’t sure if it was a personal change or a workplace formatting thing and I thought others might’ve encountered something similar. No agenda here, just a genuine moment of “Huh, I wonder what the context is” which I don’t think is that unusual.

Is her company trying to appeal to batshits who think this sort of posturing is progressive and ‘right on’?

It’s ridiculous and grammatically incorrect to use ‘they’ for a single person whose sex is clearly known.

She may have decided that she’s more special than us bog standard women boringly living up to those stereotypes, in which case I would be interested to know why she thinks that.

How does your friend ‘use’ pronouns?

Surely they are just words that other people use when speaking about her when she’s not there?

And we should all ‘have an issue with it’ because irrespective of the fact that in terms of language it’s illogical and makes no sense, it signals a belief in misogynistic gender stereotyping which is harmful to girls and women.

Bothered by what? It’s meaningless

That feels a bit disingenuous. People do “use” their own pronouns in the sense that they choose how they’re referred to - in email signatures, bios, intros and so on. It’s not controversial to say that noticing a change in someone’s pronouns, especially when you’ve only known them to use another, might prompt curiosity or a moment of pause.

I’m not “bothered”, I noticed something unexpected and asked a question. That’s not the same as being upset or assigning meaning where there is none. It’s odd how any curiosity these days gets instantly reframed as outrage.

Maybe it makes her cool and relevant at work but she doesn't feel the need to be so performative with her friends. Just pretend you never saw the nonsense.

You wouldnt notice if someone you had always known as she changed to they? How does that even happen?

I’m a woman, but I absolutely hate ‘she’. Think it stems from my mother also hating it. When I have to write about myself in the third person (work, etc.), I always use they. I also use they in normal usage (male or female). Absolutely not because I don’t feel like a woman or want to be a man!

You said you "feel a bit blindsided", how?

I personally would just let this go... either it's a mistake in which case - whatever. Or it's been a personal decision she's decided to take in which case - equally whatever. If she chooses to tell you then she tells you, if she doesn't she doesn't.

I think either way the world will keep spinning.

What I will say though is that irregardless of your feelings on gender identity I do hate that some workplaces dictate the use of pronouns in email sign offs etc, or aren't crystal clear with employees where that information will go as it won't necessarily stay internal if someone is 'out' in some areas of their life but not others as is the case for many people. It should always be down to personal choice of the employee to do it.

I also know of others who feel this way and also some women who deliberately keep a gender neutral profile in work so as to try to avoid being discriminated against as a woman for a bit longer, especially if they have a male sounding or neutral name.

Sometimes they/them is used as a generic term for people who haven't shared their pronouns, which isn't the right way to do it.

Really? I would feel that that would be a bit like saying that I was Christian (or whatever) because I’d not specified.

It’s totally understandable to wonder, I absolutely would.

Instead of asking a bunch of strangers on the internet why don't you ask your friend