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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect DH to help out

189 replies

Crackersforlunch · 22/09/2025 13:53

I have returned to work to financially help a close family member who is in a dire financial situation. My husband could have helped but refused so I returned to work. Prior to this I was a SAHM.
Although I have returned to work, I am still performing 80-90% of the housework. He does the school run and the life admin, and that’s it. He will occasionally tidy up without any prompting but usually I have to ask.

He doesn’t view me as working as I’m using the money to help out my family member and financially contributing to the household. I get his point, but I am physically unwell and becoming mentally unwell because of this and he doesn’t seem to care.

OP posts:
Fruitlips · 22/09/2025 13:55

So you’ve gone back to work

not to contribute towards your immediate family but to help a family member who has got themself In such a bad financial situation that they massive financial help, from you.

Oh and you’re not in good health yourself?

bloody hell you must be very close to this family member op

Blanca87 · 22/09/2025 13:56

Just stop dong the 80%. Do what needs done and leave the rest. Alternatively, leave. He sounds really uncaring and lazy

Discombobble · 22/09/2025 13:56

Well it sounds like he wasn’t in agreement with you returning to work, so I suppose he feels you have unilaterally moved the goalposts. However if you’re overwhelmed perhaps lower your standards at home and stop doing things like his laundry and tidying away his mess

Greggsit · 22/09/2025 13:57

I can sort of see his point. Why are you making yourself unwell for someone else? I'm not sure I'd support someone that made this choice. How badly off can someone be that they require someone else to work to support them? Why can't they work themselves? Are they no benefits they could claim?

Velvian · 22/09/2025 13:57

Who is the family member is the situation long term?

If DH doesn't agree, it doesn't seem right that all of your wages are going to the family member. What is DH's answer to the problem?

OnlyMabelInTheBuilding · 22/09/2025 13:58

I have returned to work to financially help a close family member who is in a dire financial situation. My husband could have helped but refused so I returned to work

Do you mean you initially wanted DH to continue financially to (your?) family member who is in a dire financial situation?

I think going back to work, purely to support a separate family member, is going to be hard within a household. Having two working parents is hard; if there’s no financial recompense for this, I can see why the other party could be resentful.

Why are you having to help this family member? Are they also helping themselves?

Ponderingwindow · 22/09/2025 13:59

I do think spouses should share the domestic burden, but this just doesn’t feel right. You have decided that the pair of you are going to put energy towards helping someone outside your household. You through using your income for that person instead of your own household and your spouse through additional labor. That should not be a unilateral decision. Taking significant resources from the household should be done by mutual agreement.

ShesTheAlbatross · 22/09/2025 14:00

Hmmm DH and I both work. If he took on a second job, gave the salary from the second job to a family member and said to me “I’m doing it, so therefore you now have to do more of the housework” I wouldn’t be thrilled.

Original poster
Crackersforlunch · 22/09/2025 14:01

Greggsit · 22/09/2025 13:57

I can sort of see his point. Why are you making yourself unwell for someone else? I'm not sure I'd support someone that made this choice. How badly off can someone be that they require someone else to work to support them? Why can't they work themselves? Are they no benefits they could claim?

I am not making myself unwell but I feel exhausted and rundown; it could really help me if he committed himself to taking care of the house 2 weekdays to enable me to rest.
I feel overwhelmed and he is refusing to help.

OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 22/09/2025 14:01

This seems really odd.

Why would you be working when you are unwell to help someone else out?

I get they are a close family member and you love them, but you’re making yourself ill to help them. Why can’t they work?

Arlanymor · 22/09/2025 14:02

You are becoming physically and mentally unwell because you are working to support someone else in financial trouble. You need to think about this. Also you said your husband could have helped but didn't - did he have legitimate reasons for not wanting to assist, like throwing good money after bad? I am sure you think that either you are being noble, or you have to help because no one else will - but good intentions which are ultimately driving a wedge between you and your husband, based off of a unilateral choice that you are made, are something you need to take seriously. If you were contributing to the household then it might well be different, but you're not, in fact you're contributing less because you are not at home providing your SAHM contribution. In an ideal world he would back you 100% but, as I say, are you backing a losing horse and he can see that much more clearly than you can?

Reginalda · 22/09/2025 14:03

You need to give a bit more detail about the family member and why they're in the situation. If it's your 18 year old child and they were burgled and scammed and are now destitute I'm sympathetic. If it's your parent and they've made bad financial decisions, you are not responsible for them. Your responsibility is to your own family. Work to provide for your husband and children, if you want to. You could divert whatever you normally give to charity to your family member instead?

But basically, you are married so all your finances are joint (or should be). So you and your husband need to agree on how to spend all family income, no matter who earns it. If he has good reason to refuse to support your relative, and you still want to despite him, then I think you need to separate your finances in some way. I suggest a joint account to pay all bills, then split the rest 50% and he can spend his on fun and you can give yours to your leech parent.

The chores are separate.

Arlanymor · 22/09/2025 14:03

ShesTheAlbatross · 22/09/2025 14:00

Hmmm DH and I both work. If he took on a second job, gave the salary from the second job to a family member and said to me “I’m doing it, so therefore you now have to do more of the housework” I wouldn’t be thrilled.

It is literally this blunt isn't it? Plus her DH didn't agree with giving money in the first place, so it's a double kick in the teeth really.

Fruitlips · 22/09/2025 14:03

Your family member is presumably an adult with full capacity, so they need to sort their own finances out.

and your husband…. A high earner? You are very comfortably off with no money issues at all? No debt, no need to save for your own children etc ?

MathsMum3 · 22/09/2025 14:04

Hmmm this is a tricky one. So you're working and all your money is being given to a family member? If you wanted to go back to work for your own interest/career development/mental health, or if your direct family was benefitting financially, that's one thing, but quite another to expect your DH to step up when he's seeing no benifits to you or the family, is quite another thing. And now you're making yourself ill over it all! I can understand him being a bit peeved.

KateBushAgain · 22/09/2025 14:04

I imagine that he’s annoyed at you compromising your own health for this family member.
Are you being a bit of a martyr because he wouldn’t help ?
Your marriage is important too , don’t take it for granted .

MinnieMountain · 22/09/2025 14:04

Crackersforlunch · 22/09/2025 14:01

I am not making myself unwell but I feel exhausted and rundown; it could really help me if he committed himself to taking care of the house 2 weekdays to enable me to rest.
I feel overwhelmed and he is refusing to help.

Edited
Show quote history

Why should he though? You’ve unilaterally decided to do this to the detriment of your family.

OnlyMabelInTheBuilding · 22/09/2025 14:04

Crackersforlunch · 22/09/2025 14:01

I am not making myself unwell but I feel exhausted and rundown; it could really help me if he committed himself to taking care of the house 2 weekdays to enable me to rest.
I feel overwhelmed and he is refusing to help.

Edited
Show quote history

But you’re essentially asking him to take care of the house, on top of a job, to help your other family member. As far as he’s concerned, presumably the solution is you stop working for the sole benefit of someone else?

You’re not going to be able to get any proper advice unless you tell us who it is, why and how long-term this is.

As it stands, I don’t think he is BU. You’ve decided to do this, these are the consequences. This really isn’t a normal thing to do for someone. Are they emotionally blackmailing you?

noidea69 · 22/09/2025 14:05

He's doing the school runs & life admin & also working. If he wasn't doing the first 2 i'd be on your side a bit.

You've made the choice to work to help a family friend, why should he be doing even more just to make your life easier.
Totally with DH on this one, you have to own the choices you make.

Fruitlips · 22/09/2025 14:05

Arlanymor · 22/09/2025 14:03

It is literally this blunt isn't it? Plus her DH didn't agree with giving money in the first place, so it's a double kick in the teeth really.

Show quote history

Added to which,,,, this money could be going towards their children, their pensions, their debts, their mortgage… I could go on!

Enigma54 · 22/09/2025 14:05

Who is the family member? Can they not manage their finances? Im a bit confused.

Arlanymor · 22/09/2025 14:06

Fruitlips · 22/09/2025 14:05

Added to which,,,, this money could be going towards their children, their pensions, their debts, their mortgage… I could go on!

Show quote history

Yup indeed. I am all for helping out family - but not to the detriment of your own marriage and immediate family unit.

WallaceinAnderland · 22/09/2025 14:07

You are asking him to enable you to financially help someone else. You can see his point surely?

If you could do it yourself without it affecting him then it's your decision to make alone. If you need him onboard then it has to be a joint decision.

You can't have it both ways. You are essentially saying I'm going to do what I want regardless of what you want but you have to help me.

FcukBreastCancer · 22/09/2025 14:07

So he's working full time, all school runs and life admin. Now he's watching you run yourself into the ground for someone else.... don't think I'd be too happy if I was him.

Bearbookagainandagain · 22/09/2025 14:08

If he does all life admin and school runs, and contribute 100% to the household income, it seems pretty fair to me tbh.

What's left is groceries (can be done online), cooking (fair enough, should be shared) and cleaning (if both working full time, the expectations cannot be the same as when you were SAHM).

I guess it depends what you include in admin and school runs, for me it's also getting kids ready, taking them to appointments, clubs etc.