To expect DH to help out

[Crackersforlunch]

I have returned to work to financially help a close family member who is in a dire financial situation. My husband could have helped but refused so I returned to work. Prior to this I was a SAHM.
Although I have returned to work, I am still performing 80-90% of the housework. He does the school run and the life admin, and that’s it. He will occasionally tidy up without any prompting but usually I have to ask.

He doesn’t view me as working as I’m using the money to help out my family member and financially contributing to the household. I get his point, but I am physically unwell and becoming mentally unwell because of this and he doesn’t seem to care.

Don't set yourself on fire to keep others warm.

The problem with bailing out people who make poor financial decisions is that it's never enough. They bleed you dry, and then they're in no better position than before. And if it's due to misfortune rather than bad management (job loss etc.), often you're just postponing the inevitable (bankruptcy, business folding, house being sold etc) at the cost of more pain.

Tbh, if it's a scenario like this, I can see why your husband wouldn't want to throw good money after bad.

Who is your relative, op and what de facto happened to them and what exactly are you paying for them? Can you move with them so at least you eat from the money you are giving them, shower and cook on the money you are giving them for the bills, sleep in the bedding that is being washed with your money buying the powder. I am with your husband on that one. Why are you not.....too

by the sound of it you got a normal guy you married, tolerated you being home for so long and regarded you as a wife....what happened so you are breaking your contract with your man. Marriage is a financial contract etc

🙄

You need to ask yourself if this is your husband's responsibility? You made the choice, you carry the consequences. Why is this family member in dire financial straights? Through their own fault , poor judgement, or serious illness. If the latter, then perhaps you can get your husband to cut you some slack. If the two former, they need to get themselves out of the situation. Think about the future. Will any good come of this for you personally or will you end up falling between two chairs?

Unless the person you're helping is a child you share together, your working isn't benefitting your husband or family at all. In fact, it's making things harder for them by making you increasingly unwell and unable to do your fair share at home. Your fair share was the SAH portion; the fact that you are now working means nothing under the described circumstances.

I’m Indian and I’m team DH

WTF... why are YOU working and spending time away from YOUR family for some "family member" who is in the weeds because of their own doing? Even if the situation was out of their control, why are YOU the one getting a job for them??

I would be so annoyed if I were your husband. And, yes, I wouldn't do anything extra either. Its not his choice. It was yours.

I think there are two things here.

Firstly - in the nicest way, since when is it your responsibility for another family member’s financial situation? Why are you having to work to pay this for them?!
Secondly - regardless of whether you are working or not, your DH should also be pulling his weight equally with you where possible, that is a husband issue.

Yes I have to agree that your DH should be helping out regardless.

there’s a rather unpleasant underlying assumption to this thread that OP is default housekeeper etc even when working

if OP earned 5% of her FH salary would that mean she is responsible for everything in the house?

anyway there is clearly a lot to unpick her and I’m not sure OP will come back. I don’t think it’s possible to really judge on the info provided

Team DH here.

I wouldn't be very supportive if DH was a SAHP and then unilaterally decided to go back to work to support a relative. If the income was coming into our own home that would be different, but it's not.

How lovely of you. Your family member is very lucky to have you. And your DH would do well to see what a selfless person you are for somebody in need. Hope he never requires the same of you!

You are in partnership with him. Anything else you do to benefit someone else, that will be on you.

Sorry, I think you are being unreasonable. Helping out a family member on an adhoc basis is one thing, but sacrificing your entire salary and expecting your DH to pick up the housework slack is unreasonable. Why does this family member need the money and why are you compelled to provide it. It sounds like manipulative or controlling behaviour

Just to check are you financially contributing to your own household?

I am physically unwell and becoming mentally unwell because of this and he doesn’t seem to care.

Does the person that you’ve returned to work to help out financially care that you are physically unwell and becoming mentally unwell? How much are they doing to help their financial situation?

Goodness, the kindness of MN prevails as always. What a “charity starts at home” kind of bunch you all are.
OP, clearly this family member is in dire straits and needs help. This community have no idea of the circumstances surrounding this, but it sounds like you’re doing a very difficult, but likely, necessary service. There are worse things in life than putting others before yourself, and I’m sure you won’t regret it. I hope your husband starts to support you more, but if he doesn’t, I agree with PP that for the time being, maybe relax your standards around the house. Hopefully this will be temporary. All the best, and I hope things work out for you and family xx

Yabu

You are making you own and your husbands lives harder for no benefit to you as a couple and family.

I wouldn't want my husband to suddenly change our status quo if this had a negative impact on our family set up. Fair enough if you discussed returning to work because you wanted to and you and dh were benefiting from the extra money, but that isn't the case here.

Sounds like this wasnt a team decision either.

I think you need to stop helping the family member financially and use the money for your own family finances. That way maybe you could employ some outside help for some of the jobs that your are both struggling with currently

Why have you gone to work to support someone else? Who are they? Why can’t they work themselves? Hard to judge without the details. He might be pissed off that you’ve gone back to work and made all your daily lives harder?

The bastard hasn’t noticed that you are struggling because he only cares about himself!

Do not take your mental health for granted. Once you cross the line you might find it hard to get back to yourself.

So you have gone back to work and are not financially benefitting at all? That’s absolutely INSANE. I don’t know that there is anyone I love enough to do that for, even my parents. I’m with your husband on this, you’re cuckoo. I’d be interested to know his reasons for declining to bail the family member out and let his wife go back to work. Must have been a good one. I chose YABU for that but I actually think it doesn’t really matter why you’re working. Fact is you are and he needs to step up. You’re supposed to be a team. Simple.

Well give up work. Why on earth are you financially supporting someone else? Harsh as it sounds their financial problems are not your problem. I think your DH is making the point that he doesn’t agree and who can blame him!

Clearly he doesn’t agree with supporting her relation, and who can blame him, it’s pure madness! Why work and give all your money to someone who is probably financially incompetent!

Depends.

All cohabitees should contribute to household tasks equitably, whether they have children or not.

Life admin is certainly a household task, especially when there are children in the household. But so is housework, including laundry, shopping for essentials, regular clear-outs, gardening, shared car maintenance etc. So depends how long each of the tasks take. For example, if most bills are paid digitally, then how long does that take, compared to (say) cleaning?

Also, adult household members (including adult offspring) shouldn’t assume certain tasks (e.g. cleaning and tidying) should fall to other household members (e.g. women/mothers). Women don’t exist to clean up after men. It should be discussed, agreed and regularly reviewed.

So, depends on whether you’ve discussed the sharing of tasks and whether they’re equitable. For exampIe, if you previously discussed and agreed that your DH would undertake paid work to be the sole provider of household income, while you work unpaid to cover childcare and more of the household tasks, then did you discuss how you’d manage household tasks if you returned to work, especially if your income isn’t contributing to household finances?

You probably shouldn't have been doing 80 - 90% of the housework (not sure if this includes childcare - I'm assuming so as you mention that he does the school run) even when you were a SAHP. Divide it up between the two of you 50/50 and then adjust as necessary based on the responsibilities each of you has outside of the household/immediate family. (Also, of course, adjust if there are children in the household which are either of yours from a previous relationship.) These include work, school/continuing education, and obligations to extended family. When you didn't have an outside job and he did, that probably would have taken the form of you doing all or most of the shared work while he was at work or work-related activities or commuting, and each of you doing half when he was home.

Now, he needs to take on even more. I'd suggest sitting down now together and listing out all the things that routinely need done and splitting them up, allowing for one person having fewer household obligations if they have more responsibilities outside. Keep lines of communication open so you can adjust if the one person is overwhelmed or the load seems unequal given the circumstances. One rule of thumb is that each of you should end up with roughly the same amount of leisure time (for hobbies, seeing friends on your own, or just relaxing).

Finally, and this may seem like a nitpick but it's important: he lives in the house too. They are (I assume) his children. He isn't "helping out" when he does his share. Helping would be doing MORE than his share if needed, for example if you were sick or especially busy one day - and you would do the same for him.