To expect DH to help out

[Crackersforlunch]

I have returned to work to financially help a close family member who is in a dire financial situation. My husband could have helped but refused so I returned to work. Prior to this I was a SAHM.
Although I have returned to work, I am still performing 80-90% of the housework. He does the school run and the life admin, and that’s it. He will occasionally tidy up without any prompting but usually I have to ask.

He doesn’t view me as working as I’m using the money to help out my family member and financially contributing to the household. I get his point, but I am physically unwell and becoming mentally unwell because of this and he doesn’t seem to care.

So you expect your DH to contribute more to the family but you are not contributing enough either.

The idea of being a SAHP is not having to work and that means doing more housework and parenting.

Those who choose to work, choose to therefore financially contribute more.

You are choosing to work more, meaning less parenting and housework but still not providing financially.

I am team DH here, which is rare on MN.

If your family member is struggling, then they need to get a second job, downsize etc not get someone else to fix their problems.

Your DH isn’t the problem here, it’s you being a martyr.

We have helped them financially in the past and DH is adamant he won’t help again.

Have you also reported it to the police? They may not be able to do much but surely uts a crime and a crime number should be given?
Surely if they've been fraudulently hit financially they can claim state help to mitigate their money worries or until things are resolved.

Why have you needed to in the past?

They are elderly, with all the ailments that come with growing older. They can just about look after themselves.

We have informed the police and they are investigating but it’s a complex case with many other parties involved and progress has been slow.

I think your husband is fair enough to be honest. He’s the one supporting you & your household, he’s doing the drop offs & “life admin”, and he’s already helped your parents previously. I’m not sure why you think he owes you anything else to be honest.

He is not stopping you from helping them but how much are you going to help them until it’s enough.

Are they seriously going everything they can to improve their situation?

That's sad for your parents and you obviously wouldn't want them destitute but this isn't sustainable, and it sounds like this isn't the first time they've got into a financial mess.

Do they not own a home? If they are elderly they have had their whole lives to pay off a mortgage and accrue a pension and a state pension which should be enough for them to maintain a modest lifestyle.

I think that if your husband is doing all the life admin, and you're doing none, then it completely depends on what you see as life admin and how much of it there is?

I do none of the cooking or cleaning in our house, but I do sort appointments for 4 people, organise fun trips to a T because we're a multi-disability family, liaise with school and make sure I'm always on hand, sort all the paperwork out that comes with being a multi-disability household, research topics for advocacy where needed, sort out when my elderly relative gets stuck in scam situations, spend my time for free looking for cheaper solutions and workarounds to things they want/need, DIY, garden maintenance, physio of our long term foster dog, organise the food shop and shopping lists which again need to be done meticulously multiple times a week due to disabilities, etc.

It's a lot of unseen and unpaid work, and I am exhausted by it.

Even if your house doesn't have additional needs to cater for and are a typical healthy family, there's still a lot of admin that goes on behind the scenes, and if your husband is doing that on top of working and you're not having to do any of that, then I can see why he would feel it's unfair for you to go to work, and then complain that you want to share your household jobs with him too, unless you were willing to take some things off his plate and share the load.

I'm usually the first person to call lazy husbands out, and sexist ideologies, but it sounds like you're quite heavily supported by your husband, and he's just set a boundary that if you want to do this, then it can't be at the expense of your responsibilities to your primary family.

If your parents are no longer financially savvy, it would be better for you to request a financial POA and take over their finances for them if you want to support them, but only give what you can reasonably afford of your time and energy.

In that case i absolutely would help them in the way you are. You are doing the right thing here op (and as a white person 😆 i would also do the same as you are doing for my own parents!)

Who paid for the attorney?

When you helped them before, did they recreate the issues again?

Well, there’s your drip feed. You’ve done it before and they presumably never paid you back - and now they’re in another situation and you’re expected to bail them out.

If they’re incapable of looking after themselves and managing their money safely then that’s a whole separate issue.

If the parents are in the UK it would be far more sensible for OP to help them ensure they are getting any benefits they are entitled to and maximise their own income than hand over her wages.

You have gone back to work to pay someone else's debts making yourself unwell and now expect your husband to do more not because you're building a better life from the family but to dig someone else out of a hole they got themselves in ? This persons financial problems are NOT yours or your husbands problem and I have no idea why on earth you have chosen to take on that burden . You have made a decision by yourself knowing your husband wasn't on board , that affects the household as a whole and are now complaining about it ? You are being very unreasonable here .

Is the person who has taken money from your parents, another family member?

I'm with your husband here. You are working more and cant cope, so expecting him to do more? You're presumably taking time and money now away from your family whilst your husband supports you financially and you want more from him? You're doing all this so you can give away the money you make to family members who have repeatedly proved they cant handle their finances.

So did you husband agree with you going back to work to financially support your parents, or was he against it? If he agreed, he should help you more. If he was against it, I’m not surprised he isn’t happy

OP says upthread he did not agree, PLUS it sounds like they (he) has bailed them out before

I think the best way you can help your family is ensuring they’re accessing all the benefits to which they are now entitled.

I don’t think going back to work is helping your immediate family from the sounds of things.

Are the family members claiming all the benefits they're entitled to?

Are you the only person helping? Are there other family members who could help? Why aren't they?

Are you handing over a full time salary or only working part time? What's the long term plan?

If you've help previously and they still need help, i can see why DH is reluctant.

What kind of scam did they fall for? My Dad is keen on the saying "you can't cheat an honest man". Was it something slightly underhand that would have made them money? I.e. is there a feeling that they got what they deserved?

Ffs can people please stop referring to males cleaning the gaff they reside in as helping.

So, essentially you are putting your health at risk, to pay off another person's debts. Your health is paramount and must always come first. Let me tell you, if you haven't got your health, you have nothing. You need to reconsider your priorities.

YABU.
My husband and household come first, to any family member.
(And kids, obviously, but I never had them).