To expect DH to help out

[Crackersforlunch]

I have returned to work to financially help a close family member who is in a dire financial situation. My husband could have helped but refused so I returned to work. Prior to this I was a SAHM.
Although I have returned to work, I am still performing 80-90% of the housework. He does the school run and the life admin, and that’s it. He will occasionally tidy up without any prompting but usually I have to ask.

He doesn’t view me as working as I’m using the money to help out my family member and financially contributing to the household. I get his point, but I am physically unwell and becoming mentally unwell because of this and he doesn’t seem to care.

And the person who is taking OP's wages? Have they noticed she is struggling? It'd be a cold day in hell before I took my child's earnings like that.

Why are you putting your marriage and health at risk for somebody else?.
How long have you got to do this for?.
What about your kids!.
I’m sorry, but if a family member has gotten themselves in financial trouble, there are various charities that can help, there is free advise available.
Is the beneficiary expecting you to do this for the rest of their lifetime?.
Sorry, but I agree with DH, your priority must be your family first.
Your husband is obviously not going to co operate with you flogging yourself, for somebody else, when you have a family that needs you.
It’s a grand gesture, but sure to backfire or even lead to divorce.

Maybe that person could come and do the OP's share of the housework, since she's apparently killing herself to support them.

Very minimal reply from poster is it a real situation

Yeah, what a wanker, wanting his wife to support her own household rather than someone else's

Thats a really racist and rude assumption.

It's sounding very much along the lines of 'To not invite my Dsis for Christmas', and I've come to the conclusion that the likelihood of that being real is small. I think there's a poster seeking attention. The attitude of the responses is similar.

You are making yourself unwell though by working to help someone else! Regardless of how lazy your DH is

I think hope the pp meant there are cultural expectations and so you will get more appropriate and relevant advice.

Why?

Why is your family member is financial trouble? Was it through poor life choices or an unexpected situation, such as illness, redundancy etc.

I’m guessing the former, which is why your dp
is not supportive of you, or willing to contribute financially? Ie, throwing good money after bad.

is the family member relying on you to sort them out? Are they making any changes to get themselves out if the situation?

Whats the story of the family member being in financial trouble? Why can’t they not help themselves? What relationship are they to you?

Thats not very nice! I am white and would consider helping my white family/close friends out of financial trouble.

And he can stop paying her half of the bills whilst she gives her earnings to a family member

So previously you were a SAHM and your contribution to the family was the unpaid labour or taking care of the home and the children, but now you've taken a job in order to pay for someone who is not part of your family unit to get out of a bad financial situation and this is making it hard for your to continue contributing as you were- so what you are effectively asking is can you halve (or significantly reduce) your contribution to your family.

This is a difficult one. How old are the children? Presumably he's already having to work around them, or pay for childcare for them, as you're not there to look after them? I think we need to know what the financial situation is of your family member and why it's so dire.

My husband and I both work FT but if DH said to me he was taking on an extra part time job and I was going to have to pick up the slack for him whilst he did that, and the money he earned was going to someone else, I'd be very annoyed indeed. His priority should be his wife and children.

Is your husband white and you are Indian?

Is it? I'm not familiar with the intricacies of Indian culture but I know white British culture and I think it's an absolutely correct assumption that we do not take on jobs in order to pay our entire salary to someone not in our nuclear family.

If my friend was financially struggling I might take them out for a meal or even offer to pay a bill for them if they were in a really tight spot, but I wouldn't be supporting another adult like that.

So, are all your earning going to this family member? Is it a full time job?

Could the family member help you at home in return for all the help?

I can see his point, if he didn't want tonl support the family member (for what reason?) but you decided to do it anyway. It's having quite an impact on your family, for no gain.

Does your family member know how much of a toll this is taking on you? How long will you need to work to financially support them? It doesn't sound sustainable. Are you the only family member contributing?
I would help out more if I was your DH but at the same time I can understand why he doesn't want to. You are exhausting yourself and have altered the arrangement you both had of you being a stay at home parent, impacting not only yourself but your DH and DC. I think many spouses would be unhappy in your DHs situation. Did he give a reason to not support the family member financially?

Wouldn’t normally comment on this, but I’m Indian, from a traditional Indian family with traditional Indian values, and agree with most of the other posters. I wouldn’t take on a job to help out a family member, at the detriment of my family or my mental or physical health

All the years she’s been at home is she not receiving some sort of personal allowance? She needs to see the relationship for what it is. If she has been working she will have some money to give her relative. If the table were turned the husband will have something to offer his family. Financial independence is important! It’s time to negotiate the terms of staying at home going forward

Flip this situation on its head...what if the husband had suddenly decided that rather than financially supporting his family, his wages were now going to extended family and the op, who had previously been a sahm had to go out to work to financially support the family?

I'm sure people would think this unreasonable for him to make such a major decision affecting the family without discussing it, and I think, the op is too. Her actions are having a negative impact on her family life and they are not having any benefit

If she had wanted to work for her own benefit and contribute to the family finances then I would think him unreasonable in not supporting this, but thats not the case

Unless the family member is your shared child, then your husband has a fair point that it’s up to you to take the consequences of working when it’s not beneficial to your own household.

It’s my parents; they are elderly and vulnerable. Someone has abused their trust and used it to financially ruin them. We have instructed lawyers to try and recover their lost money.

I can totally understand why you would want to help them. Do they live near you? Do you have siblings?

why is your DH so against helping them?

Sorry, I didn’t mean to be rude / offend.
From my experience, Asian families are culturally more willing to look after family etc. Of course, this will vary from family to family.