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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect DH to help out

189 replies

Crackersforlunch · 22/09/2025 13:53

I have returned to work to financially help a close family member who is in a dire financial situation. My husband could have helped but refused so I returned to work. Prior to this I was a SAHM.
Although I have returned to work, I am still performing 80-90% of the housework. He does the school run and the life admin, and that’s it. He will occasionally tidy up without any prompting but usually I have to ask.

He doesn’t view me as working as I’m using the money to help out my family member and financially contributing to the household. I get his point, but I am physically unwell and becoming mentally unwell because of this and he doesn’t seem to care.

OP posts:
August1980 · 23/09/2025 18:17

How lovely are you!!!
I am really sorry you are exhausted what a kind thing to do. I do hope you have some boundaries in place so lucky family member knows this is a once off. You are entitled to work and allowed to help whomever you want, however, irrespective of you working, he should be doing 50% unless he is paying you to cover his portion of the chores/childcare?
I have a lovely husband who has a demanding job - his work takes him away from home 2/3 days a week so we have a nanny to help cover him so I can do job. I earn a pittance but it improves my sense of wellbeing to work (I don’t have too) and it’s my money to do as I want/wish. Mostly spent on the baby or the dog! Nothing as noble as you.

Don’t feel guilty, he should support you in this.

gardenflowergirl · 23/09/2025 18:27

You could suggest he does cleaning and ironing or pay for someone to come in and do it as it's all to much for you.

Blablibladirladada · 23/09/2025 18:31

Wait…so he works, does the school run and life admin? And does some washing when you ask…
what do you want from him? That he cooks all meals so that you can work to help someone else than him? Surely you can see that it is unreasonable?

Alsi, if you aren’t healthy and your hubby was ok for you to remain SAHM…stop working :/ it is that simple. You need to take your responsibilities not someone else’s while expecting your dh to sustain stuff….
it is basically what women are complaining about these mama’s boys!!! Mama never lift a finger but get boy to do it all and dump on wife……please…Please do not say it is your father!

Buffs · 23/09/2025 19:08

Leopardspota · 22/09/2025 14:21

So you have a shared life with you husband- financially and physically running the household. You used to do physical and he did financial. Now you want him to do half the physical as well as the financial because you’ve chosen to help someone when you don’t have personal capacity. You’ve agreed to help, your husband hasn’t, so the additional burden is on you. It’s not a great marriage. But you’ve made your choice, you don’t have moral high ground here.

This.
maybe you simply don’t have the resources to support this struggling relative.

independentfriend · 23/09/2025 19:09

Mumsnet does seem very nuclear family focused at times, in ways that don't make sense to me as a white British / Irish person.

I think you need a sustainable solution which may include you working and giving them some money but might include other things too.

  • consider joint counselling with your husband - your parents won't live forever but this is reading like a medium term thing and you need hopefully more than a truce with him. Why doesn't he want to help them? What is he wanting you to do?
  • your husband needs to do a fair share of the housework, so do your children if old enough.
  • are you all living together? Can your parents do any of the housework or childcare slowly - even if you're living near each other rather than together?
  • assuming they're in the UK step change / Christians against poverty / other debt support charities are worth contacting even if they're not technically in debt to look at maximising their income and checking they're on reasonable deals for utilities etc.
  • adult social care may be able to help if they've been financially abused/ are vulnerable to further exploitation as well as helping with things like day time activities for elderly people in the local area.
Endorewitch · 23/09/2025 19:16

You haven't given us enough information.
How close is this family member?And why are you the only one helping financially?Is it a DC belonging to you and your DH?
If so the advice given would be different if it is someone else within the family.
From what you tell us I don't see why your DH should help out more than he does. You are getting tired because you are working hard to solve someone else's financial problems. To be honest if it was me in his situation,I would be totally pissed off.

GiveDogBone · 23/09/2025 19:32

Use some of the money from your job to get a cleaner.

InMyShowgirlEra · 23/09/2025 19:53

xNotTodayHunx · 23/09/2025 16:20

Ffs can people please stop referring to males cleaning the gaff they reside in as helping.

Well all things being equal, yes- but they're not.

The agreement they had was that he earns all the money and does all the school runs and life admin, and she does the cleaning, by the sounds of it. She hasn't said how old her kids are and seems to not want to say, but they are at least school age and don't need full time supervision.

In this case, I think he is "helping" by also doing half the cleaning whilst she devotes most of her time to paying someone else's bills.

Anonymousforthisone2025 · 27/09/2025 07:41

Wow, you're working to help another family member out and complaining your husband isn't facilitating that? If I was your husband I'd be considering divorce never mind tidying the house!

Skybluepinky · 27/09/2025 19:27

Sounds an extremely strange Reka you are doing what you want and you are expecting him to do more, why should he, how would you feel if ge said it’s down to you to pay for everything as he is giving his money to someone else!

JCS1000 · 27/09/2025 23:43

I don’t understand the negative comments. Let’s say this “close family member” is your mother. I would expect my partner to fully support me (or rather “us” as my family member is also his family member). If you are doing the majority of the housework I’m guessing you’re doing the majority of the mental load too and he isn’t pulling his weight at all. I think you are doing a noble thing and he is unsupportive and using it as an excuse to be his usual lazy self.

MrsTerryPratchett · 27/09/2025 23:45

JCS1000 · 27/09/2025 23:43

I don’t understand the negative comments. Let’s say this “close family member” is your mother. I would expect my partner to fully support me (or rather “us” as my family member is also his family member). If you are doing the majority of the housework I’m guessing you’re doing the majority of the mental load too and he isn’t pulling his weight at all. I think you are doing a noble thing and he is unsupportive and using it as an excuse to be his usual lazy self.

You would be fine with your DH’s entire wage going to his mum, while asking you to do more housework to support it?

I wouldn’t.

NoCommentingFromNowOn · 28/09/2025 00:40

Crackersforlunch · 22/09/2025 20:40

They are elderly, with all the ailments that come with growing older. They can just about look after themselves.

Show quote history

Are they in the UK? If so then they are either working or collecting a pension. What has gone wrong with either of these options and why do they need more?

If they’re not in the UK then that’s a huge thing to leave out of your OP and where are they?

Whaleandsnail6 · 28/09/2025 09:39

JCS1000 · 27/09/2025 23:43

I don’t understand the negative comments. Let’s say this “close family member” is your mother. I would expect my partner to fully support me (or rather “us” as my family member is also his family member). If you are doing the majority of the housework I’m guessing you’re doing the majority of the mental load too and he isn’t pulling his weight at all. I think you are doing a noble thing and he is unsupportive and using it as an excuse to be his usual lazy self.

I disagree. He does "school run and life admin" which could include mental load so I don't think he is completely shirking his responsibility

Also, op has made an executive decision to completely change the arrangements, make everyone's life harder, for no benefit to them

The equivalent would be if the husband suddenly deciding that all of his wage was now going to his parents and the op has to suck it up and start being responsible for the family bills and finances... I'm sure she would have something to say if that was the scenario

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