To expect DH to help out

[Crackersforlunch]

I have returned to work to financially help a close family member who is in a dire financial situation. My husband could have helped but refused so I returned to work. Prior to this I was a SAHM.
Although I have returned to work, I am still performing 80-90% of the housework. He does the school run and the life admin, and that’s it. He will occasionally tidy up without any prompting but usually I have to ask.

He doesn’t view me as working as I’m using the money to help out my family member and financially contributing to the household. I get his point, but I am physically unwell and becoming mentally unwell because of this and he doesn’t seem to care.

I'm usually the first one to criticise if a husband isn't pulling his weight, but I think that the situation here is very different.

I'd be furious if DH took on extra hours at work or took a second job purely to support a family member.

How did your family member get themselves into a mess? And is this a short term solution, or will you be paying money to them for years to come?

So you are working to support a relative and not your own immediate family?

You wanted your husband to help and he refused?

Can you not see why he doesn't want to do more at home? (though to be fair, it doesn't sound as though he was doing enough in the first place)

But your husband clearly doesn't support your choice.

So what are you going to do to repair the damage to your marriage?
Do you intend to put this relative before your husband and marriage?

You don’t sound crude. That’s not the word. And that’s why I asked about any cultural reasons. The flow of money, respect, work etc. can vary depending on people’s culture.

But if it isn’t your DH’s culture, and it sounds like it might or might not be yours, there’s a disconnect. He doesn’t share your reasoning and he doesn’t have to.

Your 'job' was to run the household and provide childcare.

You have unilaterally decided to change that by working outside of the home so in effect you have actually taken on a second job.

So you are prepared to get out there and earn some money for this 'family member' but you weren't prepared to do it to put money on your own household's table? DH was responsible for that was he?

Then perhaps you would fare better posting this on the South Asian board.

I wonder how involved your Indian friends’ husbands are with housework and cooking and school runs

Will do

There aren’t enough details to know if you’re being unreasonable or not.
Who is the close relative?
Why can’t they claim benefits?
Was your husband in agreement for you going back to work to support this person?
Without these answers, who can tell???
I know that if my partner was a SAHP and then went back to work to bail someone else out and not to contribute to the family money pot and then expected me to step up more with the housework then I’d probably tell them to piss off.

So you want a higher chance of support Op from your thread OP? If so, YOU said your Indians friends husbands would understand

Are you going to tell us who it is and why? You’ve come on looking for support but won’t give any details. That usually suggests you know support wouldn’t be forthcoming if you gave the details.

I’m out.

Team DH.

Whenever there is a striking lack of detail, the reasonable assumption is - the Op isn’t telling us the detail because it very much just adds to the impression that the OP is being unreasonable!

Sorry I’m on your husbands side. Why should he financially support the whole house and help out with the house stuff. I would be livid if my husband worked to support outside our family, quite frankly I’d find iit negligible to our children.

Is all the money that you are earning going to your relative or is some of it going into the family pot?

Is this a temporary or long term arrangement, i.e. will you need to support this family member for a limited period or for ever?

If your immediate family is gaining no benefit from you going back to work, I understand why your DH would be annoyed and reluctant to help more around the house to facilitate this support of your family member.

I’m Black, so no. However, you’re the one who brought race into it. The majority of us here think you’re unreasonable and you seem unwilling to take that on board. You seem to think the issue is that we’re not Indian, so I was suggesting an alternative. I was actually trying to be helpful!

I think it’s important to know destined who, why and for how long you will be supporting

i don’t think you are as unreasonable as others are saying - you are allowed to unilaterally decide you don’t want to be the de facto housekeeper and childcare. The fact you aren’t keeping any of your earnings obviously complicates that.

is it possible to use some of your earnings for a cleaner? What are you actually doing that exhausts you so much - do you have high standards?

When I was a SAHM the agreement was my job was children and house on week days and DH went to work. This was us both contributing equally to the household. When I went back to work we both worked and split the chores as we were both contributing to the family pot.

Are you putting any money into your household? I can see his point if you are going back to work and not giving any money to the family? Why should he earn all of the money plus do half of the job you both agreed you would do just so you could earn money not for the family?

Unless that 'close family member' is your biological child, then I agree with your husband. Your priority should be the family that you created, your husband and children. And no, this board is not reserved for whites but you brought race into the debate as you clearly feel that it is relevant, in which case you might get more informed/relevant responses from people who understand the culture. I'm not Indian and I think you are being unreasonable, but perhaps because I'm not Indian I am missing the point.

Yabvu.

You won't work because your contribution is the housework

But then you get a job and stop making your contribution at home.

Where are you being any sort of partner?

Unbelievable.

I think you could be spot on there!!!

I cannot imagine any circumstances in which I'd accept my adult daughter's wages like this tbh. I understand that there are cultural reasons other people may feel differently to me. It is quite possible that the DH feels similarly to me though in which case his position is understandable.

I'm white and if my parents needed me to provide for them financially and I could do it without harming the family finances (which op can’t be doing as she wasn’t contributing before or after) then I would do it. You don’t say how old your DC are and how much more childcare your DH is doing - did he always do the school run?

the Fact you are struggling physically though brings another dimension to it and you do need to sit with your DH and talk this all through.

I’d be massively resentful in your dh shoes. You are working to make money for someone else, not your own family unit.

sayinf that though, I’ve been a SAHM lost of my adult life and I’ve never done everything at home. Dh works full time but still cooks, cleans, does half of the stuff that needs doing as it’s his house too and he’s an adult.

In the more traditional Indian families I know men don't do house work at all so your H can't be all that traditional.
In a situation where you have a SAHP one person earns the money and the other persons "job" is to run the household and do everything related to that. Then the person who works helps out a bit as well.
OR both people work, contribute financially and both do the house related stuff.
You are neither contributing financially to the house nor are you doing all the housework
Your H has the worst of both worlds and you are being very unfair