To expect DH to help out

[Crackersforlunch]

I have returned to work to financially help a close family member who is in a dire financial situation. My husband could have helped but refused so I returned to work. Prior to this I was a SAHM.
Although I have returned to work, I am still performing 80-90% of the housework. He does the school run and the life admin, and that’s it. He will occasionally tidy up without any prompting but usually I have to ask.

He doesn’t view me as working as I’m using the money to help out my family member and financially contributing to the household. I get his point, but I am physically unwell and becoming mentally unwell because of this and he doesn’t seem to care.

So he earns all the households money, does all the schools runs and life admin.

So you were staying home to cook, clean and do the shopping?

You have decided to go back to work to give all that money to someone else.

I wouldn’t be picking up your slack either, you could always hire a cleaner out of your wages and give this person £30 less a week.

I think what you’re doing is admirable and part of being a caring society and family member. It’s a shame he doesn’t see it that way either.

I am Indian and I think you are bring unreasonable. I don't think all Indians would do this. I wouldn't (unless it is for my child). I might want to help a family member, and I would be generous with what I have, but not to the detriment of my partner and kids. And, clearly, your husband (is he Indian too - only asking since you brought race into it?) is not on board, and that is the point (and not if the folks responding are Indian or not).

If you are resorting to stereotypes, it is also pretty common for Indian men to NOT help out around the house. My ex (who was Indian) certainly didn't. He didn't even do the school run or life admin. Part of the reason he is an ex.

I can see both sides.

I'm white British, but having been with my Indian DH for over 30 years, I understand the obligations and expectations that can go hand in hand with Indian families. My DH has done a lot for his relatives that many British people would find excessive, but he was upfront about his obligations from the start and I knew what I was signing up to, so I have been happy to support it.

I do see it from your DH's perspective too, though, and I think these arrangements need to be agreed mutually between couples if they are going to work. What discussions did you have with him before you decided to go back to work?

Personally, I wouldn't ever want to see a close family member struggling, but if I wanted to make sacrifices to my own household in order to help them, it wouldn't occur to me to do this without agreement from my DH.

@Crackersforlunch I think we need a little bit more info to fairly judge the situation. If you're working in order to be able to support a family member with a life threatening disease whose treatment is too expensive for them then YANBU for ex. A friend of mine had to buy a treatment for cancer in the UK and bring it to her mother- it costed 1000£ a month so she worked really hard to do this with her dh supporting her. Some countries don't have access to medication/too expensive. If on the other hand you're working to support your deadbeat brother who lost all his money when gambling then YABU. You see OP, it really depends on the circumstances.

thank you for a reasonable comment! The fact that it is so beyond others to imagine sacrificing for other’s is beyond me. And I’m not south Asian either, but I care about family and supporting others. I’m not in a position to do this myself, but I think it’s admirable

I wonder if this family member is involved in something very very serious ie HMRC have basically said you owe us a huge amount and you have been defrauding the tax payer and we require you to pay it back (otherwise will definitely be criminal proceedings, probably anyway in fact)

Nah I’m Indian too and you sound incredibly unreasonable to me; I’m totally with your husband on this.

In fact if you want to play into Indian tradition then:

1. You shouldn’t be going against his wishes
2. He’s already going far above and beyond by even doing the school run, life admin and ad-hoc cleaning as traditionally all domestic duties should be your job - in India woman will often go out to full time work and then come home and do all the domestic chores too

You can’t just lean into stereotypes and traditions when it suits you and disregard them when it doesn’t.

Why are you reluctant to say whether it's cultural or not OP?

It's coming across as a mix of cultures because you and your DH clearly don't have the same expectations.

Maybe I missed something but he should be ‘helping’ anyway. It’s his house and his children, even if you were a SAHM he should be pitching in as far as possible.

It sounds like he genuinely doesn’t want the money to go to said relative, and I think you should be respecting his views op. Are you going to have the money repaid?

What happens if he suddenly said to you op..,, I need to get my entire salary to a family
member that you disagree that I should support ?

When you get married, you help each other through good times and bad, that's the deal isn't it? He needs to help you though this imo, as a team.

I very much agree, it does depend on context, and we need more information. But if the OP's husband is objecting to her helping a close family member receive life-saving treatment (when they have no other options), I think they probably have bigger issues than just the division of the chore-chart. As others have said, though the lack of detail and lack of openness to folks considering her unreasonable suggest that the OP probably doesn't have as much of a clear cut case here as in your example.

We just can’t tell who is being unreasonable here op, but many of us think it might be you being unfair to your husband. If my dh thought his income should goto a family member of his and I should cover the housework on top of my job to support him then in most circumstances I’d tell him to jog on and go live with the family member if that’s his priority, as I thought his family was right here with his wife and kids who need his support.

I'd be interested to know how OP (and her DH) would feel about one of their own children giving up being a SAHP to work and pay them their wages in future.

I would go out of my way to help friends and family, but within limits. I would never expect dh to help them/help me to help them without being asked and agreeing first.

Did you have that conversation with him about how as a couple you could support this person, or did you make the decision unilaterally and just expect him to do more?

YABU - you are being a rubbish partner. Your husband doesn’t agree with your decision so he isn’t going to support you. I don’t blame him

Well he’s not getting anything out of you returning work is he so probably doesn’t see why he has to do more at home. I’m a solo parent of 7 years I do all the housework myself and work full time.

You're using your work out of the home to benefit an outsider, not your nuclear family. You want him to enable you by doing even more when his plate is full already.

You're working, he's working and doing pickups and life admin and some tidying. How are you becoming physically and mentally unwell from work and doing household chores? Are you working a ton of overtime?

Take some of your money and hire a cleaner

My DH is Indian, as is his family, and there is no way he or his brother would gift huge sums of money to my family (or his brother to his wife's family). They might give a loan though. So I don't think that being an Indian changes much these days, as things have moved forward. Many Indian wives work these days, too, and support their households. Posts like these only show that the financial pressure on middle-class Indian men these days and their wives' expectations are sometimes pretty crazy.

@Crackersforlunch OP you have avoided the question which keeps being asked! is the family member requiring assistance a very elderly parent who is unable to work or is it a sibling who cannot get off their backside????

Unless your relative is one of your adult children and they need your finances help due to divorce or sudden illness, I think you should not do it. About housework, that is your own domestic problem which only you can decide upon. As it is not currently working in your marriage and you already got your own money, you can divorce, move in with the relative who you finance and it will be a match made in Heaven, good luck op, you deserve someone who cares for your mental and physical health

Because apparently your husband does not care about neither you nor your relative, but the relative gets your money, then I do not see any other alternative. At least when you move with this other relative, you are going to get some of your money back

Nothing is making sense. I wouldn't be happy if DH is working all week and not bringing any dough home as he is handing the money over to someone else. You surely see how ridiculous this is.

Why are you expected to work to help another family member out? What sort of family member? Why can't they work themselves? If they are too ill or disabled, there are certain benefits. the current set it clearly doesn't work for you, not DH not the DC. stop it.

also, plenty of people work full time and do a lot of housework and school runs and are not ill from the stress. It's not normal to get ill from doing work and household. Maybe a check up at the GP is in order.