To expect DH to help out

[Crackersforlunch]

I have returned to work to financially help a close family member who is in a dire financial situation. My husband could have helped but refused so I returned to work. Prior to this I was a SAHM.
Although I have returned to work, I am still performing 80-90% of the housework. He does the school run and the life admin, and that’s it. He will occasionally tidy up without any prompting but usually I have to ask.

He doesn’t view me as working as I’m using the money to help out my family member and financially contributing to the household. I get his point, but I am physically unwell and becoming mentally unwell because of this and he doesn’t seem to care.

Not to mention it sounds like it was initially expected that he supported this fault member, but refused. Who is this person who takes precedence over everyone else?!

Yanbu

I started giving all of my wages to a family member unilaterally and my stay at home wife hasn't upped her financial contribution one jot.

It's remarkable how uncaring she is

yes if you are both working he should be doing jobs in house. Either he’s really against u working/ helping family member or he making a excuse

Drop the ball. Do easy meals, have food shop delivered, just do yours and kids washing. Then on a weekend he has kids so you can clean up and you chuck hoover round quick tidy and and a couple hours rest

I’m really struggling to understand why you would take on another job to help out a family member when you’ve got your own life and children to think about. How many days a week are you doing?

Did you and DH agree to this plan together?

Why should DH give some of his income to one of your family members.

Im really unsure if you have your priorities right here, without knowing the full situation

Agree with this completely.

He is punishing you.
He didn’t want to help that relative. You’ve stepped up and gone to work instead, against his wishes…

Having said that, I think the reason why you were a SAHM before and why it’s ok for you to work would tip the balance one way or the other.
eg high earning husband who wants you at home to support his career is very different than a low earning husband, struggling to make ends meet and you refusing to work until it became about your relative.

My advice would be to carry in working tbh. You might need it regardless of what’s happening in the background

Why are you taking on another job to pay for a family member when your husband is working full time & supporting your own household? This is bizarre.

You are responsible for your own actions. If you’ve chosen to work and your choosing to support your family member then it’s up to you to keep doing what you were at home. I think you’re massively out of order to expect your husband to do more if he chose not to help them but you did.

So you have a shared life with you husband- financially and physically running the household. You used to do physical and he did financial. Now you want him to do half the physical as well as the financial because you’ve chosen to help someone when you don’t have personal capacity. You’ve agreed to help, your husband hasn’t, so the additional burden is on you. It’s not a great marriage. But you’ve made your choice, you don’t have moral high ground here.

In this instance where you are not working to support the household and you chose to do so , I think he is well within his rights to expect your contribution to the household is still the role you played before , otherwise your contribution is literally zero. And that’s not fair is it?

I'd be very upset if my DH was financially supporting another adult to the detriment of our family.

If you are determined to continue working to benefit someone else is there enough of your own income to also pay someone to do some of the work at home?

He doesn’t want you to do this, so he is not going to facilitate this.

It is bizarre. And if he’s putting in work, admin and school runs to the household and OP is just putting in housework, then seems pretty even. Because the ‘work’ OP does literally just takes her away from them and contributes nothing.

I wonder if there’s some very deep cultural or (possibly unhealthy) emotional tie forcing her to behave this way.

But you feel exhausted and overwhelmed because you are doing something you don't have to do. You might want to, you might even feel obliged to, but you don't HAVE to. It's a want, not a need.

So you're bringing it on yourself. Possibly for reasons you think are perfectly understandable, but, as we don't know what they are, we can only sympathise with your DH.

I am not taking on another job, rather I have returned to the workforce to earn and income
and help a family member.

Of course YANBU. Sometimes we have to help other people. Even as a SAHM you shouldn't be doing 90% of everything.

Is the family member your family ie parent sibling or a child of both of you

@Crackersforlunch

You’re crackers to do this, and I would similarly WTF in your husband’s shoes .

Why don't you get the family member to do the household chores for you while you shovel money their way?

Sorry to sound crude - my white friends wouldn’t have done this but most of my Indian friends would have, and their husbands would have supported their choice.

OP, really any money you bring in should go in the family pot. I am not surprised your husband does not want to help around the house if he is still expected to pay for all household expenses. If someone else needs money they need to sort themselves out.

And where do you and your husband fit in with this cultural positioning?

The solution is to go back to staying at home. You are only working for a family member who has got into their own financial problem. By subsidising them you are not helping. And we don't know who the family member is, either, so cannot even judge if your response is reasonable. I am thinking it might not be. Why are you having to sacrifice your life for someone outside your family?

Your not being unreasonable to expect him to pull his fair share of housework OP.
However you are being unreasonable for doing this in the first place - what's the long term plan here? If your already exhausted and drained and I'm guessing not long into this?
Also what is your family member doing? Often dire financial situations continue for a long time unless the person actually takes responsibility and the steps available to them including bankruptcy to rectify it.

This is bizarre. Nice that you want to help a family member but if my husband went to work to give all the money to his family then told me I had to do more to help him as he was getting unwell with the workload I would leave him.