To have nothing further to do with them?

[Pouticel]

I have one DC who only has one cousin (child of DH’s sister). I’ve always encouraged friendship on the basis that eventually they’ll be each other’s only family.

Both DC are 7. They love each other and are so excited when they get the chance to play together. But I’ve noticed over the past few years that SIL and BIL are increasingly not keen to facilitate any relationship. Visits are further and further apart.

We haven’t seen them for six months. I offered to have their DC to stay over the summer and they refused. I offered to take their DC on holiday with us and they refused. I invited them over for the day, suggested I could bring DC over to theirs for the day, but they always had an excuse. I offered to pick up and drop off their DC to make it easy for them but the answer was still no.

Their DC had a birthday last week. I thought it was odd that they weren’t having a party because they always do. They arranged to come over today with a birthday cake for a little tea party with PIL.

Anyway, their DC has upset my DC by talking about the fantastic birthday party yesterday. The party that they obviously hid from us and didn’t even mention to PIL in the family WhatsApp. Because they didn’t want us to know, because our DC wasn’t invited.

Understandably our DC has got quite upset at not being invited to their beloved cousin’s party this year. And I honestly don’t understand why. But this is just the latest in a long list, they clearly don’t want anything to do with us and I don’t understand why they’ve even come over today?

So I’ve gone nuclear. I refuse to have anything further to do with them. I went upstairs out of the way, I haven’t spoken to them since their DC announced this was their second party but they weren’t allowed to talk about the first party because it was a secret. I’ve left the family WhatsApp and blocked them on social media. I am just done with them.

AIBU to say I’m not having anything further to do with them, and neither is DC? If my DC isn’t good enough to be invited to the party yesterday then why have they come over today? I am so angry and upset. And DH is sitting downstairs having tea with them like everything is ok, because he doesn’t want to cause a fuss. Blaming me for going off on one. But it’s not me who has been nasty and excluded a child from a party.

If your reaction is typical of your behaviour I can see why they've distanced themselves from you

You sound dramatic and hard work to be honest. What an over the top reaction to a child not being invited to a party.

And you are now sulking upstairs at your PIL? You sound 7.

I think the party thing is normal as they get older, as they tend to have parties with school friends. But the blowing you off and making excuses all the time would be upsetting. I think you need to leave your husband to it though, his relationship with his family is important.

Tbh, with the level of intensity you are showing, I can see why they have distanced themselves.

Yes it’s nice for cousins to get on when they see each other, but they don’t have to be best pals and live in each others pocket, they also aren’t obliged to invite your DC to their party.
They wanted their friends to go, not your DC. That’s their choice.
You’ve set your own DC up for upset and have acted totally disproportionately about it all, ensuring their relationship is ruined forever.

Honestly the party thing is normal once they go to school (unless they go to the same school and are in the same class).

Maybe their DC isn’t as keen on seeing your DC as you think they are?

They’re 7 and haven’t seen each other for 6 months. I wouldn’t be surprised if the cousin listed the people they wanted at their party, and it just didn’t include your child. And the parents kept it quiet so as not to upset anyone.
Or maybe they just don’t like you.

I don’t really think either of those are things to go “nuclear” over. Sometimes people don’t like you 🤷🏻‍♀️ Just stop inviting the cousin over.

They obviously have their reasons and it sounds as though they don't want to say what they are, due to you being family.

You can go NC with them (which sounds like what they want anyway) but you have no right to stop your DH visiting his sister with the child you had together.

I could understand if the party was a school class based party why they'd leave a cousin out. It can be an awkward situation when there is one guest who doesn't know anyone else.

That said it does sound like they might be pulling away from you or that you see yourselves as closer than they do.

As someone who rarely sees her cousins apart from occasional weddings and funerals I really think you're taking this a bit too personally. Some families just don't "do" closeness like you want. It's lovely that your DC play happily together, maybe SIL and BIL have decided that they don't want their DC going away with anyone or sleepovers etc until a specific age. That's up to them.

The party is very odd and I would be annoyed but I don't think I'd be fuming upstairs while DH has tea with his sister! Maybe he will find out why they did this rather than storming off and burning bridges.

'So I have gone nuclear' Vs 'So I have modelled appropriate adult communication and spoken to them away from the seven year olds about how I am feeling, how they see things and where we go from here'

That's your answer to be honest. Your poor DH.

Just how much have you been trying to facilitate this adored relationship? Is it possible you might be coming over a bit overbearing?

Also, I couldn't stand one of my cousins when I was 7 and if my parents insisted she came to my birthday party, I would've rather not have had one.

I'm in my mid fifties now and I still can't stand her.

You have to let the kids do the choosing at this age OP.

You've 'gone nuclear?'
removed yourself from group chats, and are hiding upstairs sulking?

sorry OP, you're being hysterical over a kids party. Even the language you use 'beloved cousin' is so dramatic.

I think you need to give your head a bit of a wobble!

You're being too intense @Pouticel, sorry if that's not what you want to hear. It's perfectly normal to not invite cousins to birthday parties or to go on holiday with them. While it would be nice to have some sort of relationship with the family, it seems like they're just not keen, and you have to respect that. Encourage DC to develop his own friend group, and also help him/ her develop ways to cope when things don't go as he'd like.

I wondered this too.
they declined a sleepover but OP still asked for a holiday, and kept going with her dropping and collecting.

perhaps the party was a last resort to make OP back off a bit as it's coming across as overbearing.

which has now worked for them as OP has blocked them.

I think the party thing is a non issue. Plenty of children have parties with just their school friends and as the cousins haven’t seen each other for 6 months, I wouldn’t have expected an invite.
It does sound like they’re distancing themselves a little though, why not just ask them why?

You sound like a child yourself op, stropping off upstairs and taking yourself off the family WhatsApp, blocking them on social media…
any chance your dc is just as much of a drama queen as you are? I’m quite shocked at such an over reaction tbh.

Why are you facilitating the relationship so much? It's up to DH and his sister how much contact they (and the kids) have and when.

I can totally understand how upsetting this is but you've massively overreacted.

It also sounds as though you may have been harbouring an unrealistic expectation for your DC about their cousin. You should have been explaining in an age appropriate way that cousin is busy / has other friends / has other things going on and should have been encouraging your DC to do the same?

Given the amount of times you list that they've made excuses / not seeing them in 6 months I'm surprised your DC hasn't forgotten all about their beloved cousin.

Refocus your time and energy on the people who do want to be around your DC, they are the relationships you need to foster.

It’s awful of them to invite friends but not an actual family member who they spend Christmas and holidays with.

If their DC had been asked then I’m 100% certain they would have wanted my DC at their party, because they love each other and are so excited when they get to see each other. This is absolutely the parents excluding my DC. To the point where they didn’t share any photos and told their DC it was a secret.

I feel like if my DC isn’t good enough to be invited to the party then they aren’t good enough to have cake with today either. And this is the latest in a long list of them not wanting DC to be close, for no reason that I know of.

No, it isn't awful.
You've no idea if the other child adores your child as much as you seem to think.
Stop being so overbearing.

I can understand trying to facilitate a relationship. I'm not close to any of my own cousins due to the lack of effort our parents made with us spending family time together. I get wanting to bring cousins together and hoping they'll forge a close relationship. It can't be a one way thing though.

Going nuclear isn't going to help and I wonder where that extreme reaction comes from.

I can see it's tough snd they havent handled it well but you are being over dramatic. By the time they get to 7 they choose their own friends. You cant assume they will be friends for the rest of their lives. You have hidden what sex they are. If they are opposite sex then I cant see one girl being invited a a party of boys who know each other well from school or vice versa.

This is about you not your DC. Why are you so intense about this relationship? I think it would help you to unpick this. It’s really on your DH to organise the meet ups and set the cadence.

My thoughts exactly, did your dc invite cousin to their party?