To have nothing further to do with them?

[Pouticel]

I have one DC who only has one cousin (child of DH’s sister). I’ve always encouraged friendship on the basis that eventually they’ll be each other’s only family.

Both DC are 7. They love each other and are so excited when they get the chance to play together. But I’ve noticed over the past few years that SIL and BIL are increasingly not keen to facilitate any relationship. Visits are further and further apart.

We haven’t seen them for six months. I offered to have their DC to stay over the summer and they refused. I offered to take their DC on holiday with us and they refused. I invited them over for the day, suggested I could bring DC over to theirs for the day, but they always had an excuse. I offered to pick up and drop off their DC to make it easy for them but the answer was still no.

Their DC had a birthday last week. I thought it was odd that they weren’t having a party because they always do. They arranged to come over today with a birthday cake for a little tea party with PIL.

Anyway, their DC has upset my DC by talking about the fantastic birthday party yesterday. The party that they obviously hid from us and didn’t even mention to PIL in the family WhatsApp. Because they didn’t want us to know, because our DC wasn’t invited.

Understandably our DC has got quite upset at not being invited to their beloved cousin’s party this year. And I honestly don’t understand why. But this is just the latest in a long list, they clearly don’t want anything to do with us and I don’t understand why they’ve even come over today?

So I’ve gone nuclear. I refuse to have anything further to do with them. I went upstairs out of the way, I haven’t spoken to them since their DC announced this was their second party but they weren’t allowed to talk about the first party because it was a secret. I’ve left the family WhatsApp and blocked them on social media. I am just done with them.

AIBU to say I’m not having anything further to do with them, and neither is DC? If my DC isn’t good enough to be invited to the party yesterday then why have they come over today? I am so angry and upset. And DH is sitting downstairs having tea with them like everything is ok, because he doesn’t want to cause a fuss. Blaming me for going off on one. But it’s not me who has been nasty and excluded a child from a party.

not very nice of them OP, I can see why you’re hurt.

I think it depends what kind of party it was ..was it a big party in a hall with room for lots of people, or just a smaller group where there was a charge per person like soft play or something?

Ahhh its sad but dc get to an age where they just want to be with their peer group from school & for that reason I can understand your dc not being invited to the party.
The rest of it isn't very nice but I think I'd reassure my dc & encourage them to form other friendships. You can't force relationships & they might well get on when they're older anyway!
Distance yourself quietly, going nuclear never helps anyone.

No reason at all. It’s weird behaviour. And mean too. I’m so sad for DC that there won’t be any cousin relationship, especially because there’s no other family.

You tried to take their kid for an entire summer. You're badgering them.

You're not alone. You have a husband and a child. You may have been lonely as a child but a sibling is not your automatic cure for loneliness. You're trying to force relationships with other people's child and you're wildly overstepping.

I can understand why you’re feeling like this and I’ve said yanu because I think you should move on. But I also think you will regret being so black and white about this, as relationships just aren’t. I hope you get the opportunity to rekindle a relationship that works well for both parties. Perhaps you can admit you accidentally removed yourself from the WhatsApp group and be re admitted.

You might not have seen my replies but I believe I’m the only person on this thread who’s in a similar position to you.

Whats your DH’s take on all this?

You can’t criticise them for not sharing pictures when I can guarantee that if they had shared pictures, you’d have accused them of rubbing your noses in it or something.
Whether it was them or their child who didn’t want to invite your child, keeping it quiet is the decent thing to do.

DH wants me to be quiet and not cause a fuss, and just not bother with them any more in future.

I am absolutely fed up with being bullied and excluded throughout my life, and it’s hurt me deeply to see the same happening to my DC. And from a family member too.

If my SIL started talking about how they’d be each others only family and insisting they were invited to birthday parties once school had started I’d distance myself too

To reassure you, OP, I have one female cousin. We saw each other roughly once every two years (they lived hundreds of miles away, and this was the 60's so no SM to keep in touch. My family didn't even have a phone!)

We were still very friendly whenever we met up at family occasions. When her last parent died (she's an only child), she increased the contact from her side and now we meet up frequently, holiday together and get on fabulously.

Contact or lack of as a child doesn't always mean no contact when you're an adult. And if they both marry and have children, they will make their own families and not be totally alone in the world, so you don't have to worry there.

Most only children build their own family and a network of friends. They do not forcefully attach themselves to other family members.

There are plenty of happy only children, where cousins feature only as part of a broader friendship circle. The closeness of the relationship is more likely to be determined by how much the cousins genuinely like each other than one of their mothers throwing tantrums.

You are your daughter’s worst enemy. Unless you start behaving like a rational human being, and allow a friendship between them develop naturally (or not, as the case may be) I can guarantee that they will want nothing more to do with you.

It is you who is sabotaging your daughter’s chances of a normal relationship with her cousin. It is you who is modelling terrible social and conflict resolution skills for your daughter.

You are being very very over sensitive. My siblings fell out over something very similar, years later they both admit how ridiculous it was. Once the cousins are older they can have their own relationship, you can’t force one

Why haven't you asked them if there's an issue, instead of flying off the handle?

After reading your posts, I think its probably you they are distancing themselves from, which obviously affects your DC. You sound intense and hardwork.

*edited for typos

I think most people can understand OP’s underlying intention. But for whatever reason, her in-laws don’t see it the same way, and don’t want to push this relationship. We don’t know why, maybe it’s come from the child, maybe they’re always really busy, maybe they don’t like her. But whatever it is, they haven’t really done anything wrong. They just don’t want to meet up. I can understand OP being sad about this. But going “nuclear” is an overreaction.

My kids have a lovely relationship with their cousins. But we don’t invite them to parties. Why? Because they wouldn’t know anyone and then my child would feel like they had to babysit their cousin and not play with their friends and have fun. Also your child is a boy? And theirs is a girl? By 7 they are having single sex parties. They probably haven’t told you because of your crazy OTT reaction.
Im sorry you have an only child. I take it this wasn’t what you wanted? But being an only child isn’t miserable. And just because they have a cousin the same age it doesn’t mean that should be their auto support system.
Rather than flying off the handle. Perhaps you should have an adult conversation with your inlaws, I suspect they are keeping you very much at arms length because of these reactions

Listen to your DH. You’ve gone nuclear and ended the relationship. They didn’t, they’ve not wanted you to take their only child with you to keep yours company. They’ve invited their DC’s school friends to their party. Neither of which is wrong.
You’re projecting your issues here and it’s your DC who’s lost out. It’s pretty clear why your in laws have stepped back. You’re far too much. Why would they want someone who behaves like you do around their child?

This isn’t really bullying though. It is just different expectations of family relationships. I think you need to be very careful not to project these feelings onto your child. They’ve chosen to celebrate right you today so they clearly do want a relationship of some sort.
Storming out is really bad example to set your child.

Do your BIL and SIL have more than one child @Pouticel? If so, do you make sure the sibling is included or is your focus always on forging a friendship between the seven-year-olds?

I dont blame for being annoyed. It's very tactless for a child to say this about a secret party and also very bad for the parents to put their child in this situation and ask them to keep secrets.

I’m just fed up. Everyone else has mum friends and their kids play together. I can accept myself and DC being excluded by others, but it’s hurtful when family does it as well. If they don’t want to be friends with us then they can bugger off completely, I’m sick of trying.

They will be ok, they are young and won't know any different.

My dad had a very complex and complicated relationship with his siblings and as a result all the cousins are fairly close to some degree or another except for my siblings and I who only ever saw them every few years at weddings and whatnot and now I would struggle to pick some out of a police lineup and them me.

It's honestly fine because it is what it is. No I don't have that close knit gang of cousins that everyone on MN apparently has but I have it with friends instead. And that's even better because we've chosen one another.

Exactly this. Unless someone is extremely introverted and avoids all social events, school, or university, the idea of inevitably spending every Christmas entirely alone is a bit unrealistic. Your child could very well be married with their own family before you’re even gone!

I have an only child who doesn’t have close cousins, and I’ve never worried about this. After all, many people never have children or a partner, and they still build meaningful relationships. My only child is by choice - but it sounds like you’re feeling sensitive about having an only child (which could be understandable; I don’t know what you’ve been through).

That said, you can’t force friendships. Instead of reacting so strongly, perhaps a more constructive approach would have been to simply ask if there was a problem?! Did you ever reach out before blocking them and ‘going nuclear’ ??

I too suspect it's about you rather than your child, who is collateral damage but family don't have to spend time together, it's not mandatory. The more you try to force it the more they will withdraw.