To have nothing further to do with them?

[Pouticel]

I have one DC who only has one cousin (child of DH’s sister). I’ve always encouraged friendship on the basis that eventually they’ll be each other’s only family.

Both DC are 7. They love each other and are so excited when they get the chance to play together. But I’ve noticed over the past few years that SIL and BIL are increasingly not keen to facilitate any relationship. Visits are further and further apart.

We haven’t seen them for six months. I offered to have their DC to stay over the summer and they refused. I offered to take their DC on holiday with us and they refused. I invited them over for the day, suggested I could bring DC over to theirs for the day, but they always had an excuse. I offered to pick up and drop off their DC to make it easy for them but the answer was still no.

Their DC had a birthday last week. I thought it was odd that they weren’t having a party because they always do. They arranged to come over today with a birthday cake for a little tea party with PIL.

Anyway, their DC has upset my DC by talking about the fantastic birthday party yesterday. The party that they obviously hid from us and didn’t even mention to PIL in the family WhatsApp. Because they didn’t want us to know, because our DC wasn’t invited.

Understandably our DC has got quite upset at not being invited to their beloved cousin’s party this year. And I honestly don’t understand why. But this is just the latest in a long list, they clearly don’t want anything to do with us and I don’t understand why they’ve even come over today?

So I’ve gone nuclear. I refuse to have anything further to do with them. I went upstairs out of the way, I haven’t spoken to them since their DC announced this was their second party but they weren’t allowed to talk about the first party because it was a secret. I’ve left the family WhatsApp and blocked them on social media. I am just done with them.

AIBU to say I’m not having anything further to do with them, and neither is DC? If my DC isn’t good enough to be invited to the party yesterday then why have they come over today? I am so angry and upset. And DH is sitting downstairs having tea with them like everything is ok, because he doesn’t want to cause a fuss. Blaming me for going off on one. But it’s not me who has been nasty and excluded a child from a party.

I'm afraid you have set your sights on an ideal "family" set up the way you want it, but it doesn't work like that. We all have choices and different people want different family relationships, which can be equally valid. Your BIL & SIL obviously don't want the same relationship with you, that you expect. Give them and yourself some space, it is not healthy to obsess about a relationship like this. Focus on making friends yourself and helping your child to do the same.
Whilst it's great you still spend time with your MIL & FIL there is no need for your DH to operate a taxi service to facilitate meetings between them and his sister. They seem to have made it obvious they don't want much contact with the rest of the family, so leave them to make their own arrangements.

Of course it is. What is not normal is your in-laws behaviour. I'd go no contact too. If your DH wants to continue taking his parents to them, so be it. But I'd definitely stay out of these visits.

Can I ask if you have a social worker? If you do, could she arrange for you to have a counselling or coaching session? There are a number of organisations that offer free coaching which may be able to help you reframe the situation and make it easier for you to move on.

Have you actuallh ASKED what the problem is and expressed how hurt you and your DC are over not being invited to the party?

No you are not being unreasonable if that’s how you feel but maybe ask them why the distance instead of cutting them off. I can see why you are upset though because if my DC felt left out it would upset me too.

Op I think this is a huge overreaction. My daughter is 7 and has a cousin who is 7 who came to her first few parties. But, by year 3 of school, the birthday parties are smaller groups of school friends and usually doing activities so numbers are limited so my daughter prioritises her school friends to invite to the party. I think that's very normal. Then we will have a separate little tea party for her grandparents and Cousin etc. which is exactly what your Sil has done!!
But no one here is offended!!!

YABU. At age 7 kids are making their own friends at school. Inviting a cousin from another town is awkward because the other kids don't know them, and it can put the birthday kid in a stressful position.

A separate celebration with the cousin is entirely appropriate.

You are projecting your own issues onto your child. That is not good parenting.

you have over reacted about this. My children don't invite cousins, just their school mates. When they DO see their cousins they have a great time and it's special in a different way.

oh here we go 🙄 neurodivergent.....
Maybe it's your entitlement that's a problem.

Your DC wouldn't have known the other kids at the party. Children usually ask school friends to parties. And they did come over next day with a cake. But you took this as an insult and stormed upstairs. It seems to me a very good way of celebrating their DC birthday. Party with mates and a fun time with cousin.
Yes it is good to have cousins who are close to you,but honestly you sound a bit pushy.

Look at the bigger picture the problem is you.

I'm thinking that perhaps the problem between your DH (and you) and his sibling needs to be addressed first. Have you even tried to discuss this with them? It seems a bit weird to "go nuclear" without even a discussion.

They always spent Christmas with you, and not BIL’s parents, and yet your MIL got arsey when they decided to spend Christmas with the grandparents they didn’t usually see? Doesn’t she realise she got every Christmas for years? I would find that reaction really annoying

Then you should have read the full thread.

It got deleted though...

Yes she was.

That doesn't mean it wasn't said.

And..?

I’ll say it again. OP needs to stop blaming her bad attitude on her ND. If she can recognise and call out everyone else’s perceived shitty behaviour then she should be able to recognise her own but instead brushes it off or excuses it by blaming her ND. It’s just downright offensive and plenty of people have pulled her up on it.

And as I also said when she’s going around saying her niece can fuck off and live with a stranger rather than them if they were orphaned out of spite is a damn sight more disgusting.

if these are the sort of attitudes, language and behaviours she projects around her family it’s not surprising they are distancing themselves. Would you want your kid spending time around that?

I wouldn't mind actually, but I'd avoid you.

Eh? I know it was said. I reported it!

well toddle off elsewhere and stop replying to me then 🤣 Jesus Christ 🤣

You replied to me. Are you always this angry?

I said you are BU because ultimately it's up to them who they invite.
They don't HAVE to encourage relationships just because you do.
It may have been school/dance friends only and then family on a separate day?

I'm not invalidating your feelings. I get it.
My in laws, they had a party where my DP brothers ex (mother of his kids) was invited and I wasn't yet I've been a part of their family for 15 years.
It was hurtful but unsurprising.

Stop trying so hard. It'll be their loss in the long run

YANBU to be disappointed that they don’t want a close cousin relationship and are turning down all play dates. We have a cousin six weeks older than our son and I would be really sad if they pulled away entirely. Especially when they’re both only children, it’s good to keep those bonds up so they have company at family events etc (the “when we’re dead…” factor is not reasonable imo).

But YABU about everything else. Not inviting your child to the party isn’t a big deal, although it would have been nice if they’d just been honest about it. They’re not unreasonable to not want their child to spend a large chunk of time away from them during the school holidays. You are massively unreasonable to be so upset about these things, and definitely to have handled it in such a dramatic, bridge-burning manner. Even having a serious chat about it would have been overkill if you were laying on the guilt trip, but the flouncing is mad.

🤣🤣🤣 far from angry. I’m finding it amusing you are saying you’d avoid me for having the same opinion as most other people on this thread - yet are still engaging with me.

Report away if you makes you feel better but you’ll probably be happier away from this thread where the majority of people think OP is hard work and causing her own problems.