To have nothing further to do with them?

[Pouticel]

I have one DC who only has one cousin (child of DH’s sister). I’ve always encouraged friendship on the basis that eventually they’ll be each other’s only family.

Both DC are 7. They love each other and are so excited when they get the chance to play together. But I’ve noticed over the past few years that SIL and BIL are increasingly not keen to facilitate any relationship. Visits are further and further apart.

We haven’t seen them for six months. I offered to have their DC to stay over the summer and they refused. I offered to take their DC on holiday with us and they refused. I invited them over for the day, suggested I could bring DC over to theirs for the day, but they always had an excuse. I offered to pick up and drop off their DC to make it easy for them but the answer was still no.

Their DC had a birthday last week. I thought it was odd that they weren’t having a party because they always do. They arranged to come over today with a birthday cake for a little tea party with PIL.

Anyway, their DC has upset my DC by talking about the fantastic birthday party yesterday. The party that they obviously hid from us and didn’t even mention to PIL in the family WhatsApp. Because they didn’t want us to know, because our DC wasn’t invited.

Understandably our DC has got quite upset at not being invited to their beloved cousin’s party this year. And I honestly don’t understand why. But this is just the latest in a long list, they clearly don’t want anything to do with us and I don’t understand why they’ve even come over today?

So I’ve gone nuclear. I refuse to have anything further to do with them. I went upstairs out of the way, I haven’t spoken to them since their DC announced this was their second party but they weren’t allowed to talk about the first party because it was a secret. I’ve left the family WhatsApp and blocked them on social media. I am just done with them.

AIBU to say I’m not having anything further to do with them, and neither is DC? If my DC isn’t good enough to be invited to the party yesterday then why have they come over today? I am so angry and upset. And DH is sitting downstairs having tea with them like everything is ok, because he doesn’t want to cause a fuss. Blaming me for going off on one. But it’s not me who has been nasty and excluded a child from a party.

Also by 7 it’s not awful not to invite a family member. It’s actually very normal.

I am in a similar situation with an only child and a cousin who’s also an only child.

Regarding birthday party, I would guess that this year the cousin wants a party more with school friends and it can be difficult to mix up family and school hence keeping them separate. We also did the same though there was no secrecy involved.

It is also possible that the children aren’t getting on along as well as you think they are. This happened with DD and her cousin (though they were older when this happened) so we changed up how we did things, going out and doing something rather than them playing together while me and DSis drank tea.

But the other thing is where is your DH in all this? Has he asked his sister what’s going on?

Ridiculous overreaction and you sound terribly childish. Your husband's sister's kid who your kid hasn't seen for half a year didn't invite your kid to their party. So flipping what?

You need to teach your child resilience. Not everyone gets invited to everything.

You should teach them that if someone talks about a party or event they had or attended and you weren't there, you simply listen and react in a neutral or positive way. And be happy that they had a nice time.

Rather than sulking and 'going nuclear' and vowing to cut contact with them permanently.

I think you've acted rather embarrassingly.

We don’t have the money for a party so our DC has never had one. We have always had cake and sandwiches at home, and invited them and their DC.

No, it’s not awful. It’s realising that mixing friends you know from difficult situations is difficult. The party would be your DC plus a bunch of their cousin’s school friends. It wouldn’t work.

Honestly I think they couldn’t have made it more clear to you that this is a one sided thing. They’ve turned down multiple invites despite your many many offers.

The child can invite whoever they want to their party, a cousin they’re not close to won’t be top of the list especially given they don’t even want play dates with your child.

Cant believe you’ve stormed off upstairs and gone all dramatic on social media whilst sulking, I’m embarrassed for you!

Cousins don’t have to be invited to parties. Your reaction is OTT doing all that whilst they are sat downstairs

Huh? This is so bizarre! They’re cousins, not sisters.

And even then, kids tend to have their own parties as they get older, which absolutely don’t revolve around or even involve family members. It’s perfectly normal to have separate friend events and family events - can be a bit weird in fact to invite a sibling/cousin to an event involving an established friendship group.

You sound massively intense and entitled. If you aren’t careful you will raise your daughter to be intense and entitled too.

It’s awful of them to invite friends but not an actual family member who they spend Christmas and holidays with.

it really isn’t. A party full of their school friends with one random cousin that only the birthday child knows would throw off the whole dynamic. You really aren’t taking on board what anyone is pointing out to you op. I’m sorry you are so upset, but they have done nothing wrong.

You sound as though you barely have the maturity of a seven year old yourself!

It is absolutely the norm to separate birthday celebrations between much loved school friends and much loved family members at this age.

They are probably avoiding you, not your DS. Because you are so intense and reactive.

OP - it’s really normal to just have school friends at a birthday party for a 7 year old, then have cake/celebration separately with grandparents /wider family, which is what they’ve done. Because you’ve only done the family tea thing, you’ve never hosted a birthday party for your child to invite/not invite their cousin to.

Actually, is this a reverse?

You are trying to create a sibling relationship to replace a real sibling, they don't feel the need to do that. It is perfectly normal for them to want to strike out a little on their own, doesn't mean they don't still like your child. Equally, they can be excited to see each other without wanting to be besties or see each other all the time.

If they are genuinely 'dodging you' that's hard for you, but there should be absolutely no presumption that they will want to holiday etc with each other. They're only 7! Even if they sounded really enthusiastic about it I would not be allowing my 7 year old to go away with another family or sleepovers etc.

Good grief. I think I know why they’re limiting contact

Genuine question: why don’t you have money for your kid’s birthday party?

it doesn’t have to be big or expensive. You have all year to prep, plan, beg , borrow or steal yet you don’t, but still have multiple opportunities to invite his cousin to various events including a holiday .

also what do you mean about them being each other’s only family one day?
do you all have a genetic terminal illness?
sounds intense and I can see why they might have backed off .

purposefully keeping the party a secret is odd but they obviously have been trying to show you for a long time that they don’t want the closeness you need

So you went from pestering them constantly for contact and didn’t take the hint that they didn’t want to, to completely blocking them and sulking. Do you always think you should get your own way? You wanted a relationship, they didn’t. You don’t seem to accept that other people are allowed to make their own choices.

I can see why you’re upset as you feel your child is being excluded. I think your reaction is a bit extreme though. Also, isn’t the onus on your dh to liaise with his sister regarding her son? I leave dp to deal with his sisters now and meet ups between the cousins, because I refuse to be his PA regarding his family. I tried to arrange meet ups with them and the kids but it never really worked out and I think they preferred to deal with their brother, which is fair enough

It’s horrible being an only child. I am one myself. Once your parents and grandparents are dead, you have to spend Christmas alone and you have nobody. I don’t want that for my DC or theirs. It’s nice to have family who you spend time with and are close to.

I’ve done my best but they basically don’t want anything to do with us or our DC. Which is really offensive.

Just because you think they should be stuck together like glue and be automatic friends and playmates because cousins doesn't mean your SIL agreed to that. They're distancing themselves from you because you're being unreasonable and I don't expect that will change since you have gone defcon1 over their choices for their child.

What reason have they give for all of this?

Have you actually asked them?

I seems such a shame when the children are so close in age and cousins. Definitely a relationship I would encourage.

I agree with you Op. It’s weird behaviour. Ask your DH to intervene.

I understand the difficulties in being/having an only child. I understand you facilitating this friendship with their cousin. I also understand that many on MN are absolutely clueless about this.

But things do change.

Has your DH spoken to his sister about this - why things seem to have changed? Leave aside the party, which is normal.

That’s a you problem. You shouldn’t make it a dc problem. And you’ve just gone nuclear and there won’t be any coming back from this so from now on you’ll have to leave it to your DH.

You have lost any control you ever had over it. And they’ll be even less likely to want to be around you now.

This is an insane reaction. We don’t invite any cousins to our DC birthday. They were celebrating with you today

I get the sentiment OP but it sounds like you have issues with rejection or fear of abandonment or something along those lines that I think you should explore.