To have nothing further to do with them?

[Pouticel]

I have one DC who only has one cousin (child of DH’s sister). I’ve always encouraged friendship on the basis that eventually they’ll be each other’s only family.

Both DC are 7. They love each other and are so excited when they get the chance to play together. But I’ve noticed over the past few years that SIL and BIL are increasingly not keen to facilitate any relationship. Visits are further and further apart.

We haven’t seen them for six months. I offered to have their DC to stay over the summer and they refused. I offered to take their DC on holiday with us and they refused. I invited them over for the day, suggested I could bring DC over to theirs for the day, but they always had an excuse. I offered to pick up and drop off their DC to make it easy for them but the answer was still no.

Their DC had a birthday last week. I thought it was odd that they weren’t having a party because they always do. They arranged to come over today with a birthday cake for a little tea party with PIL.

Anyway, their DC has upset my DC by talking about the fantastic birthday party yesterday. The party that they obviously hid from us and didn’t even mention to PIL in the family WhatsApp. Because they didn’t want us to know, because our DC wasn’t invited.

Understandably our DC has got quite upset at not being invited to their beloved cousin’s party this year. And I honestly don’t understand why. But this is just the latest in a long list, they clearly don’t want anything to do with us and I don’t understand why they’ve even come over today?

So I’ve gone nuclear. I refuse to have anything further to do with them. I went upstairs out of the way, I haven’t spoken to them since their DC announced this was their second party but they weren’t allowed to talk about the first party because it was a secret. I’ve left the family WhatsApp and blocked them on social media. I am just done with them.

AIBU to say I’m not having anything further to do with them, and neither is DC? If my DC isn’t good enough to be invited to the party yesterday then why have they come over today? I am so angry and upset. And DH is sitting downstairs having tea with them like everything is ok, because he doesn’t want to cause a fuss. Blaming me for going off on one. But it’s not me who has been nasty and excluded a child from a party.

DC isn't being bullied and excluded!

In what way are you and your child ND?

Wow, that's some sweeping statement! Hugely unfair on NT people, and I say that as someone who is also ND! Perhaps your bluntness is an issue for some?

Huh?

my daughters pasty cost me £120.

it'll be less expensive than a holiday where you're paying for fuel, accommodation and food?

this is nuts

In my family cousins used to be invited to birthday parties when the children were little but not as they got older and parties got smaller / involved a small number of their school friends. The cousin would just feel left out and awkward if all the other children are friends. Are you completely sure the cousin is as keen as your child to spend time together? My daughter really struggles with one of her cousins and so doesn’t want to see her as much as they get older

I think you have read the room incorrectly. You’ve pushed & pushed which has driven them away. And going nuclear probably proves what they already think.

Sorry OP, I do think YABU in your reaction to this, although I can see why you were upset that they don't think the same of the relationship as you do. They have been a bit insensitive in my opinion, but you are giving them all the power by showing them how upset you are now.

Just give them some space and hopefully things will settle down in time. 🤞

Please don’t but your most off to spite your face. Take a deep breath calm down then go downstairs. Apologise for your over reaction and communicate like an adult.

They probably wanted a class party, that’s really common at 7/8. They are celebrating with you today. Don’t let your insecurities damage the family relationship further

I agree. Does your dc tantrum too?

It’s tricky, my youngest doesn’t invite cousins to the birthday party we hold each year, he invites his school friends.
He adores his cousins, one of which is an only child and they aren’t that far apart in age (all between 3 years of each other)
We don’t invite family members to birthday parties as they wouldn’t know the other children there, so the birthday child would have to make sure they weren’t left out.
We Instead hold a family party as well for cousins, aunts/uncles and grandparents so we can all catch up that way.
I think your In laws probably aren’t as bothered about the only child thing as you are and some need to facilitate visits to create a strong bond.
I get why you’re a little upset in general about the lack of effort, it would be nice for the children if they get on, to see each other on a regular basis.
However I’m with them on the birthday party, I wouldn’t have invited your child either if it was a party full of school friends. Your child would have known no one else there.

Absolute rubbish.

I’m an only child, both of my parents and all grandparents are deceased.

I’m not on my own by any stretch of the imagination!

I have a small circle of close friends and a wider circle of friends who I socialise and do many activities with.

I holiday with my friends as well as DH and DS.

I spend Christmas with DS, DH and all of DH family, they are my family now.

While that sounds hard, you ard the only one who can change this (by making friends), it's not the responsibility of your in-laws. Join some clubs. Geg some hobbies.

You sound way too intense. I’d be super creeped out if someone wanted to take my 7 year old on holiday to force a relationship with their child. That’s a bit weird.

They’re cousins with parents who don’t sound very close. Who cares if they’re close? Who cares if they don’t have other close family? They will have friends and partners and children maybe and no one will be thinking about a distant cousin. I have a whole boatload of cousins on both sides (I’d guess at least 30). I could not even tell you what one of them is called. Couldn’t even take a guess. I haven’t seen a single one in at least 30 years. Not at all bothered. I am not lonely. I have Dh and my dc and lots of friends and Dh’s family.

I completely agree.

It sounds hurtful OP. But who knows maybe the cousins will have a relationship in the future. Things change sometimes. Maybe it’s not the parents but their child who wasn’t keen. Or maybe the parents want to have a more casual relationship with you ie. nothing to do with the children. Just keep your distance, don’t do invites for now.

Autism (Asperger’s).

Massive drip feed OP.

Also a party doesn't have to cost hundreds. For our small child we did a party in the woods recently (parents had to stay for supervision!) where we did a treasure hunt, games, and then gave everyone hot chocolate from a thermos to warm up afterwards (Easter time so cool outside). Had some sausage rolls for snacks (afternoon party so between lunch and dinner time). Gave kids some birthday cake to take home with them. The kids loved it. Lots of different options for cheap parties if you don't mind doing something different. Picnic in park and play rounders/ball games a summer example.

A holiday costs hundreds of pounds. If you can afford a holiday you can afford a party. You just choose for your child never to have one

That explains the black and white thinking.

im autistic too.

is it you, your child or both?

the best advice I can give you is step back and let your dh manage his side.

let him and his sister drive the connections.

all the best.

Why don’t you have mum friends?

“Once your parents and grandparents are dead, you have to spend Christmas alone and you have nobody.”

Except you wouldn’t have Christmas alone, because you have a spouse and a child? And equally if you had siblings you might not get on - I will never spend Christmas with my sibling and that suits both of us. We’re polite acquaintances who will probably never speak again once our parents are no longer here.

er no, I'm an only child, it's been fine, I spend time with my family and time with friends.
I certainly don't 'go nuclear' when I feel my child has been excluded because you know what? that is 100% the way to assure that they will be going forward.

You are being massively unreasonable, it's perfectly normal for children's birthday party's to just consist of classmates at this age.

If your posts on this thread are indicative of your usual behavior and attitude then they may well be trying to distance themselves.

On an update you mention mum-friends and it sounds like maybe you have very few friends in general, have you thought about why this might be and if you do want stronger relationships/friendships going forward how you may need to adapt to facilitate these?

Perfectly normal not to invite cousins to a birthday party with friends at that age, if that’s their preference. They haven’t excluded your family/child, because they knew they were seeing you today.

I also find your comments regarding only children odd. I’m an only child and so is my DS. I love my life, and have never wished for closer family ties. Instead, I place value on the relationships I’ve chosen for myself throughout my life; with DH, as well as friends and acquaintances. Family isn’t everything.

That being said, based on your posts here I’m sure they’ll breathe a sigh of relief at your stepping back from family relations. You may actually find that it improves your DC’s chances of having a relationship with them.