To have nothing further to do with them?

[Pouticel]

I have one DC who only has one cousin (child of DH’s sister). I’ve always encouraged friendship on the basis that eventually they’ll be each other’s only family.

Both DC are 7. They love each other and are so excited when they get the chance to play together. But I’ve noticed over the past few years that SIL and BIL are increasingly not keen to facilitate any relationship. Visits are further and further apart.

We haven’t seen them for six months. I offered to have their DC to stay over the summer and they refused. I offered to take their DC on holiday with us and they refused. I invited them over for the day, suggested I could bring DC over to theirs for the day, but they always had an excuse. I offered to pick up and drop off their DC to make it easy for them but the answer was still no.

Their DC had a birthday last week. I thought it was odd that they weren’t having a party because they always do. They arranged to come over today with a birthday cake for a little tea party with PIL.

Anyway, their DC has upset my DC by talking about the fantastic birthday party yesterday. The party that they obviously hid from us and didn’t even mention to PIL in the family WhatsApp. Because they didn’t want us to know, because our DC wasn’t invited.

Understandably our DC has got quite upset at not being invited to their beloved cousin’s party this year. And I honestly don’t understand why. But this is just the latest in a long list, they clearly don’t want anything to do with us and I don’t understand why they’ve even come over today?

So I’ve gone nuclear. I refuse to have anything further to do with them. I went upstairs out of the way, I haven’t spoken to them since their DC announced this was their second party but they weren’t allowed to talk about the first party because it was a secret. I’ve left the family WhatsApp and blocked them on social media. I am just done with them.

AIBU to say I’m not having anything further to do with them, and neither is DC? If my DC isn’t good enough to be invited to the party yesterday then why have they come over today? I am so angry and upset. And DH is sitting downstairs having tea with them like everything is ok, because he doesn’t want to cause a fuss. Blaming me for going off on one. But it’s not me who has been nasty and excluded a child from a party.

Total over reaction.

it’s quite normal to just focus on school friends as they get older.

and there’s zero need to end the relations between cousins over this.

you are being a total drama llama

OP, despite the mostly YABU replies, the voting currently stands at 57% YABU - 43% YANBU. I understand how you're feeling and, while I would not have gone nuclear (perhaps due to lack of balls), I would have been very upset. I don't understand who these parents are who could watch their child so roundly and thoughtlessly rejected, and remain temperate and equanimous. Perhaps they're the same parents who head for The Hague the second the year 1 class teacher tells off little Johnny. Who knows, it takes all sorts.

I hope you can move past the hurt soon, and see that you and your DH are absolutely enough for your DC, and you don't need to beg for the crumbs of unwilling family members. You will make your little family work. All the best.

I don’t even go if they have a party. DH goes with DC, and he has to take PIL who don’t drive, so I can’t fit in the car. It’s not me they’ve excluded, it’s my DC.

Why do you think this exclusionary behaviour keeps happening?

@Pouticel "I’m so sad for DC that there won’t be any cousin relationship, especially because there’s no other family."

I do understand this OP being in a similar position but you can't force love and friendship. Deep down I'm sure you know that. Perhaps the cousin isn't quite as keen as you think they are. A child isn't going to have the complex emotions about lonely Christmases in old age that you're projecting. To be perfectly honest your intensity to cultivate this closeness is actually almost alarming, or at least certainly off putting. You've been texting the parents to arrange holidays, days out, visits - all sorts. You're wearing your neediness on your sleeve and (rightly or wrongly) people don't like it.

But you have money to take the cousin on holiday?

odd.

I think you’re getting a bit of a hard time here. It’s not the party that’s upsetting you, it’s the gradual distancing over time and the bigger worry that your DD might grow up without family connections. That completely explains why you’re feeling so upset.

I agree it’s important to try to keep that cousin connection open, so if the girls want to maintain a relationship into adulthood, the foundation is there. But at the end of the day, you can’t make the parents reciprocate. I’d just keep it friendly and continue inviting them over.. eventually, they might either stop making excuses or be honest about what’s really going on.

You’re projecting your experience onto your child. Massively. No one is bullying or excluding your child - my kids don’t even have each other at their parties much less cousins! Nor would I allow my siblings or sibling in laws to take my child away on holiday.

I’m sorry you didn’t enjoy being an only child, but there’s no saying your daughter will have the same experience. And you can’t keep trying to turn her cousin into some kind of pseudo sibling.

No idea. Probably because neurotypical people don’t like neurodivergent people.

If you genuinely don't why they are avoiding you, and if your relationship with the PIL is ok, maybe you or DH could try approaching the PIL to see whether there is anything you could do to help foster a better family relationship all round.

Think YABU but so are they when they made their child keep it a secret and expected them to do so. Don’t know many 7yo who can keep a secret. If they do have an issue with you, they could have gone through your DH.

I’d leave it because it is nothing but wasted energy and hurt feelings when they’ve shown they are just not keen and you can’t make them that way. Relationships are a two way street and just because they’re family and only cousin to your dc doesn’t mean they want the same level of relationship that you desire and you have to accept that and either take what can be offered or step back and leave it to being polite and cordial when they are around while not bending over backwards or trying to force something.

My DD (now almost 40) is an only child, come Christmas she would much rather be on her own than with lots of people. Her partner is from a large family with various small children when they all get together,... His family understand that DD is overwhelmed by so many people and bustle and do not take offence that she prefers to Christmas with her pets or myself, DD joins them for mince pies then leaves them in peace for meal time

I'm using this as a example that different people want different things but most are adult enough to find a compromise.

Throwing a strop then sulking in a bedroom like Kevin the teenager is not the way an adult should behave. If you were my daughter I'd be thoroughly ashamed of you.

The fact that you start off with the ‘only family’ comment shows a deep level of possessiveness. Maybe they don’t like that. I had a situation with my MIL trying to create closeness between my DC and my SIL’s kids on the basis that then they could ‘share’ things when they are older. Of course the reality is it would be my kids doing the sharing (ie: property gifted to them etc). I backed straight off. The kids see each other of course but I am not setting it up so anyone is reliant on my children

But have you actually spoken to them at all? You seem to have gone from zero to nuclear in one afternoon.

wouldn’t it have been better to just sit down with them and say you d noticed they’ve been pulling away and now this party issue. Why is that?

i suspect they find you a bit suffocating and you’d need for the cousins to be close like siblings isn’t something they enjoy.

It really isn't awful. It is very, very usual. They have had a school event and a family event. Sounds perfect.

This is some very black and white thinking you’ve got going on OP

Sounds like they do wants the children to have a relationship - they have literally come to see you. They just don’t want the intensity you’re looking g for. You risk cutting off your nose to spite your face here.

Your child wasn't invited to a party. That's not bullying. You don't know why she wasn't invited. It's possibly due to your inability to respect SIL's no when it comes to her child.

You've been badgering the parents for months with unreasonable requests like taking their 7 year old for the summer and taking her on a holiday (when you say you can't even afford to have a birthday party for your daughter). You had a flounce with them in your house and went upstairs rather than speaking with them and be civil. Your overreactive behaviour alienated them even more, most likely.

This is not necessarily true at all! You're projecting your experiences. Your child will make their own way without you pushing in!

Does your child not have any friends? Is this why it’s so important to you?

My child is an only, as am I and DH, but I don’t have this irrational fear that you have that she’ll be alone when we’re dead.

Concentrate on building friendships for your child, throw them a party! It’s sad your 7 year old has never had a birthday party!

Friends are the family you chose yourself.

It doesn’t cost extra to take another child. We’re already paying for petrol and accommodation. A small amount of food is the only extra expense. A party, on the other hand, costs hundreds of pounds.

I would get DH to ask about why they didn't invite your DC. Tell them how you both feel (assuming it's a shared view), that you really want the DC to be close so they have each other when you're all gone, and it's very upsetting for DC to be excluded, even worse lying about it all. See if he can get the truth out of them and if whatever the issue is can be changed. If as some posters say it is because they find you too much, can DC be dropped off? If it is because they just can't be bothered can DH pick up their DC? Kindly I do think you're overreacting - I totally sympathise why and I think you're perfectly entitled to be upset. But your blocking them etc is too much and clearly stems from the wider sense of exclusion you mention in your last post. I'd be upfront, find out the reason, and see what can be done about it. But PPs ate also rigjt that family isn't everything, DC may well have friends and a partner who can be their family for birthdays and Christmas. Better no family than a shit one.

No, it’s not parents who could see their child rejected and not care, it’s parents who don’t see it as a rejection.

I have a cousin a few months older than me. We never went to each other’s birthday parties, and neither of us ever saw that as a rejection.

Different families have different ways of doing things. OP thinks cousins should be invited no matter what. I would assume her SIL or BIL come from a family where this just isn’t the case. The child doesn’t want to invite their cousin, so the parents don’t make them, but they do say “maybe dont mention your fun party to your cousin, its not polite to talk about something they weren’t invited to”. And the child has thoughtlessly not been able to keep shtum.

I think it depends on how important cousin-ship is to you. In some cultures it's a big deal, and then within a culture, for some families it's a bigger deal than others.

I just calculated how many cousins I have (I had to write their names down on a bit of paper). It's a total of 6, two of whom are now dead. I think I've seen one of them in the last 10 years. We are all, to all intents and purposes, acquaintances. They're all perfectly fine people but they're not part of our lives.

Come to that I haven't seen my sister (who lives four hours away) in about 3 or 4 years — she's 8 years older than me. When our parents died we got together to sort stuff out, but otherwise we are polite acquaintances as our childhoods barely overlapped.

Oh for goodness sake stop being so overdramatic.

It is completely normal to have multiple birthday celebrations, one for family and one for friends.

if you have never invited their DC to a “proper” birthday party (soft play, village hall etc) then it’s really very unreasonable of you to throw your toys out of the pram that your DC wasn’t invited to theirs.

they have done nothing wrong.

many people do not have a lot of family. It doesn’t mean they are alone. They create friends and family.

my brother emigrated to NZ and has a lovely wife and kids and has made many friends.