To have nothing further to do with them?

[Pouticel]

I have one DC who only has one cousin (child of DH’s sister). I’ve always encouraged friendship on the basis that eventually they’ll be each other’s only family.

Both DC are 7. They love each other and are so excited when they get the chance to play together. But I’ve noticed over the past few years that SIL and BIL are increasingly not keen to facilitate any relationship. Visits are further and further apart.

We haven’t seen them for six months. I offered to have their DC to stay over the summer and they refused. I offered to take their DC on holiday with us and they refused. I invited them over for the day, suggested I could bring DC over to theirs for the day, but they always had an excuse. I offered to pick up and drop off their DC to make it easy for them but the answer was still no.

Their DC had a birthday last week. I thought it was odd that they weren’t having a party because they always do. They arranged to come over today with a birthday cake for a little tea party with PIL.

Anyway, their DC has upset my DC by talking about the fantastic birthday party yesterday. The party that they obviously hid from us and didn’t even mention to PIL in the family WhatsApp. Because they didn’t want us to know, because our DC wasn’t invited.

Understandably our DC has got quite upset at not being invited to their beloved cousin’s party this year. And I honestly don’t understand why. But this is just the latest in a long list, they clearly don’t want anything to do with us and I don’t understand why they’ve even come over today?

So I’ve gone nuclear. I refuse to have anything further to do with them. I went upstairs out of the way, I haven’t spoken to them since their DC announced this was their second party but they weren’t allowed to talk about the first party because it was a secret. I’ve left the family WhatsApp and blocked them on social media. I am just done with them.

AIBU to say I’m not having anything further to do with them, and neither is DC? If my DC isn’t good enough to be invited to the party yesterday then why have they come over today? I am so angry and upset. And DH is sitting downstairs having tea with them like everything is ok, because he doesn’t want to cause a fuss. Blaming me for going off on one. But it’s not me who has been nasty and excluded a child from a party.

I can’t comment on the refusals of your offers to have them in the summer or play dates, but once you get to primary school, parties can become tricky because of the sheer number of potential invitees, and if it’s a pricy, activity-based one it might just have been that their DC prioritised their school friends over your DC, and there were limited numbers in the package. I think you were unreasonable for leaving the WhatsApp chat and blocking them…there are ways of distancing yourselves without going nuclear.

I have 19 cousins.

we are all born a year apart roughly and we’re close (in groups) growing up. Sept loads of time with each other etc - but never went to each others birthday parties for friends and always did separate family ones.

I can see why you’re hurt if they’ve avoided you but your reaction indicates you’re hard work so that may be why?

If I’ve read it right, you’re still there at the tea party but are sat upstairs sulking and blocking them on social media and WhatsApp?
Just go back downstairs, put a smile on your face and salvage the rest of the party or you will certainly never be invited to anything ever again with them.
Its not a great example to your child is it?

Of course it costs more to take more kids on holidays, even camping. It's more expensive than a birthday party. Hundreds of ££££s come on now. 🙄

What a load of bollocks. And I say that with a ND child

I don't invite my children's cousins to their bday parties, (at least not since they were preschoolers), and vice versa. This is because my children have class parties instead and I imagine it's the same for their cousins.

I don't place a lot of importance on relationships between cousins. That goes for me and for my children. It's nice that they hang out sometimes, which they do, but it isn't essential or life changing if they don't.

That said, I can see it is a different scenario for you. You see the cousins as almost like siblings and you were hoping they'd be there for each other as adults. But maybe your in laws feel a bit more like I do?

Regardless, going "nuclear" is quite a scary overreaction and I would find that extremely off-putting. I don't think you'll have any problems avoiding seeing them anytime soon as I imagine they'll be avoiding you too! I think you have just cut your nose off to spite your face tbh

YANBU - they are asking their child to lie about their birthday party.

They clearly don’t want anything to do with you and whilst I can’t know why that is, and we only have your side of the story, I think that their behaviour is off and isn’t how family should treat each other.

You say you can’t afford a party for your DC and you just have sandwiches and cake at home, and invite the cousin.
Maybe your family thought their big party would be showing off and inappropriate, and might provoke envy and resentment ? They have come to have tea and cake with you and your DC as they always do, so enjoy their company. No need to “go nuclear” and make things worse.

Oh, for goodness sake.

You are clearly hell bent on feeling sorry for yourself rather than doing anything constructive.

If you don’t want to damage your daughter I suggest that:

1: you take on board the majority consensus that it is perfectly normal to have separate family and friendship events, and that that does not mean that your niece doesn’t like your daughter or that they think she’s “not good enough”;

2: you respect your BIL and SIL’s boundaries rather than trying to bully them into your way of doing things. It sounds like they’re happy to have a gentle family relationship with you and your daughter which doesn’t involve living in each other’s pockets. Again, perfectly normal. You should accept that and offer the odd invitation rather than incessantly trying to force the girls together;

3: you encourage your daughter to make her own friends, and do not pass on your world view that she is entitled to demand that people spend time with her otherwise that it is okay to throw tantrums. Create opportunities for friendship, work on her social skills and things that can make her fun and interesting - hobbies, kindness, cheerfulness, conversational ability. Encourage resilience, not sulkiness;

4: you stop looking at the world through a “poor me” lens. You clearly have a massive persecution complex and that is not going to make you easy company;

5: have therapy for your own issues.

If it’s a choice between a holiday and a party then obviously we’re going to pick a 4 day holiday over a party that lasts a couple of hours. We can’t afford both.

A party costs about £300 by the time you factor in venue, food, cake, entertainment, party bags. We can have a summer holiday for that amount.

I'm sorry that you've had some harsh responses on here. You are obviously concerned that you had a lonely childhood as an only child who found it difficult to make friends and you think that history is repeating itself with your own child. I think you probably over-relied on your DC's cousin for friendship and invitations to parties.

I think they had a party with school friends that your DC wouldn't know so maybe they thought that your DC would have felt left out so they arranged a second small party at your PILs house.

I think that your worries about your DC's friendships are making you quite intense and you have over-reacted because you feel so upset for your DC.

This was my feeling. They don’t want anything to do with us and I don’t know why. It’s upsetting.

Very, very good advice.

I hope you're listening OP because at the moment you're modelling tantrumming and victim mentality to your daughter.
For her sake put your big girl pants on and take the advice given herem

My daughter and her cousins are close, however they are not invited to their birthday parties. My daughter wants her school friends at her party and we then have family round in a different date. I’ve never seen a issue with it tbh, I wouldn’t want by niece to feel uncomfortable at a pert where she only knows one other person, equally my daughter would feel that she needed to ‘look after’ niece instead of playing with her friends. If you feel they are excluding you then fair enough but to storm off upstairs and refuse to speak to them is childish and immature.

It may be upsetting, but they are allowed their choices so it's best if you move on from it. Walking off will have proved to them that they are making the right choice.

Or, they know you are likely to overreact to something completely normal and were trying to avoid a scene.

I'm sorry you're so upset.
They don't want their child to go on holiday with you or stay the night. That's their choice and a perfectly okay one.
They didn't invite your child to the schoolfriends party. Again that's their choice and a perfectly okay one. (You have never invited their child to a proper party either.)
They might not be the kindest people in the world, but they've come round with cake to share with your child ... and you've gone postal. How will that help your child have a relationship with their cousin?

Are you only reading reply’s that agree with you. This won’t help.

The didn’t want you to take their seven year old on holiday! That’s fine I wouldn’t want my seven year old to go on holiday without me.

They obviously had a class party. That’s also fine and their choice.

They are not saying they want nothing to do with you. Please go rejoin the party

I’m autistic, too and so are 3 of my children.

I learned years ago to only socialise in
spaces with other ND people. And you can tell where these spaces are - you can tell who you fit with. It has been a very welcome modification to our lifestyle because NT people get on my nerves - the falseness. The saying one thing and meaning another. The bitching behind people’s backs and two-faced attitude. Its a dog eat dog world that causes MH issues for me and my kids.

My 5 year old and I just had a really nice summer holidays doing fun stuff with other people who like and appreciate us and whom we just gel with. I found a school, dance school and swimming club where we just fit.

I can totally understand why you suddenly had enough. I think you’ve realised that they’re never going to let DC have a meaningful relationship anyway.

How have they reacted to you leaving the group, not being there etc? Have they said anything to DH or PIL?

You sound like a spoilt child, OP, and very petty. Things change as children get older, and families don't need to live in each other's pockets.
There may be very good reasons why they don't want to spend time with you!

Your in-laws probably find your neediness and thin-skinned intensity exhausting and don't want more than the bare minimum of exposure to it, for themselves or their child.

This seems to be about your own issues that you should probably work on before you affect anymore of your child's relationships.

People normally lose their parents well into adulthood unless there are tragic circumstances that result in loss of both parents at a young age or their parents are much older when the children are born. By this time alot of people will be married, have a partner and often children themselves. Many people choose friends to spend Christmas etc with. It is not inevitable that an only child will be alone at Christmas. Even if your child was in this situation, her cousin may live far away or have her own family to focus on.

You cannot control other people or dictate their values. If their outlook on life, priorities or values differ from yours it does not mean they are cruel or bullies.

One of the most important and most difficult things we can do for our children is to examine our own demons and model positive behaviours including resilience, healthy communication skills, how to express emotions in a non-harmful manner and let them see through our responses to life events that our self-esteem doesn't have to be dependent on other people's perception of us. I believe that's how we support our children to build healthy, sustainable relationships.

There’s never no reason.
your reaction today is giving them a reason on a silver platter. If you e not bothered to find out what the problem is or to fix it, how can you even hope the kids will be close?

I have moved on. By having nothing further to do with them. They used to blank me if I posted anything in the WhatsApp anyway.

They’ve put in their will that if they die we get their DC though. Well they can fuck off. Let one of their precious friends do it.