To have nothing further to do with them?

[Pouticel]

I have one DC who only has one cousin (child of DH’s sister). I’ve always encouraged friendship on the basis that eventually they’ll be each other’s only family.

Both DC are 7. They love each other and are so excited when they get the chance to play together. But I’ve noticed over the past few years that SIL and BIL are increasingly not keen to facilitate any relationship. Visits are further and further apart.

We haven’t seen them for six months. I offered to have their DC to stay over the summer and they refused. I offered to take their DC on holiday with us and they refused. I invited them over for the day, suggested I could bring DC over to theirs for the day, but they always had an excuse. I offered to pick up and drop off their DC to make it easy for them but the answer was still no.

Their DC had a birthday last week. I thought it was odd that they weren’t having a party because they always do. They arranged to come over today with a birthday cake for a little tea party with PIL.

Anyway, their DC has upset my DC by talking about the fantastic birthday party yesterday. The party that they obviously hid from us and didn’t even mention to PIL in the family WhatsApp. Because they didn’t want us to know, because our DC wasn’t invited.

Understandably our DC has got quite upset at not being invited to their beloved cousin’s party this year. And I honestly don’t understand why. But this is just the latest in a long list, they clearly don’t want anything to do with us and I don’t understand why they’ve even come over today?

So I’ve gone nuclear. I refuse to have anything further to do with them. I went upstairs out of the way, I haven’t spoken to them since their DC announced this was their second party but they weren’t allowed to talk about the first party because it was a secret. I’ve left the family WhatsApp and blocked them on social media. I am just done with them.

AIBU to say I’m not having anything further to do with them, and neither is DC? If my DC isn’t good enough to be invited to the party yesterday then why have they come over today? I am so angry and upset. And DH is sitting downstairs having tea with them like everything is ok, because he doesn’t want to cause a fuss. Blaming me for going off on one. But it’s not me who has been nasty and excluded a child from a party.

You've done the right thing @Pouticel
Tyve shown what they're like by deliberately trying to end a relationship between two young children. I find people, especially so called family who weaponise children for their scummy behaviour abhorrent.
I have gone n/c with my in laws for sidelining my DC and I was right to. When DH pulled one of his malicious siblings as to why they behave the way they do, her response was he shouldn't have married me, and he could've done better than me as he had had far better looking girlfriends. These siblings are in the 60s, DH is mid 50s, they should grow up frankly.

I hope your DH intervenes.

@Pouticel there's so much I want to say by it I don't know how or where to start without saying it wrong.

I think you sound like you have RSD and for anyone who doesn't know what that is it's another spoke of the ND umbrella. Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria and it's savage. It can be seen as needy which is an awful thing in itself because you aren't. You just need connection and something in your brain goes off when you don't get a reply, an invite, the job; anything that is a connection and you're not included. Soiree pour une 😶‍🌫️
Google it folks and learn a new thing today 🙂

I've had fantasies all my life of how certain relationships should be. Family relationships, friendships, work relationships. Even my relationship with my DP of 15 years, I still have scenarios in my head and when they don't transpire I feel so disappointed and frustrated with him and myself. More so myself because I know him well now and why do I still get my hopes up (tbh I don't really anymore).
One night lol I had a competition with him in my head 😁🤣 to get into bed the quickest 😆 when I celebrated my win he asked me, have I been in a competition that I didn't know about?
A bit different but I hope you found it funny.

My MIL used to love me.
She doesn't anymore and I have to accept that which I think I'm pretty ok with but when I saw photos of a party her niece's threw for their mum and I see all the female cousins who I know and have partied with in the past plus my counterpart (DP brothers mother of his children, not together anymore).... And a caption saying "all girls family birthday garden party", something like that, it stung. I understand why I probably wasn't invited and if I'm honest there are more than one reason to choose from and would I have gone if I had known?
It still sucked and probably not because my anxiety would have been up the wall.

Just because we/they share blood, doesn't mean they have to love us.
We just think they should/want them to.

SIL messages me maybe every 6 months and it's always the same thing. Times gone so fast etc blah blah. Let me look at the calendar.
Now why not look at the calendar already and have potential dates ready???

I stopped messaging first.
I asked her outright once, do you want to have a relationship with us because there'll be no hard feelings of you don't. I'll stop trying is all.
She replied of course I/we do. There's this and that and xyz but we'll sort something out.

I'm sorry that you don't have any friends/other mums for support.
And that you think that NT people don't like NDs or that NDs don't have friends is sad.
I have combined ADHD, I'm on the spectrum and I live with severe anxiety and depression. I'm undiagnosed with RSD and PDA and I have a great circle of friends. I'm not trying to brag , I know I'm fortunate. Just trying to show you that it doesn't have to be lonely.
I think I get you though.

I think you could do with some therapy.
It's incredibly enlightening when you've freed yourself from the prison in your head.
I'm so aware of how my life has been and how I've been and trying not to project onto my 2DC. I don't want them having the same insecurities as I had and I want them desperately to be their own people and have their own minds and be free.

I think a lot lol 😆 🫣

Feel free to DM me x

OP I think a lot of people on here have been incredibly nasty to you, and I suspect if you’d told the story slightly differently i.e mentioned the Boxing Day situation etc… and omitted words like ‘beloved’ then you would have had a very different response - which only reinforces your point about NT vs ND.

At the end of the day you’re in the situation you’re in and I don’t see why people on MN need to call you names.

Firstly, change Boxing Day! You cannot be left to sit alone on Boxing Day. Your SIL should be facilitating her relationship with her parents herself and not using your DH as a proxy, and at your expense. This Boxing Day say no - it’s perfectly reasonable you have given up x Boxing Days so that in-laws can see each other.

Maybe there is no point re-joining family WhatsApp and maybe just keep them blocked on socials? Will rejoining help or hinder your mental well-being? If they ask why you’ve blocked them maybe just say ‘DH is your brother it’s his job to facilitate a relationship with you and I don’t get a good vibe from you’ This will really irk a NT person because we do have lots of civilities. Don’t get angry and over share your feelings better to be cold and give little info.

Definitely save up for a birthday party for your DC! Start now for next year. Find and make new circles of friends of other ND people! This will be a great source of support for both you and DC.

If you have these worries and if your associate so much unhappiness with being an only child realistically should you not be talking about another child?

That's fucking outrageous!!!

I agree with most of this post.

I find that we and other ND families gravitate to each other. Like some magnetic force or something lol wherever we go my kids will play with others and either they or the parents are ND and it becomes a talking point and bonds can be made

Yep it is. Considering we've been together for over 25 years and our DCs are in their late teens, it's not like we've been together for 5 minutes.

I noticed it years before, little digs and ways they excluded me and the DCs from events. The roll of eyes when I spoke, the putting my career down
Luckily DH agrees and although I've made it clear they are his family so I don't demand he goes n/c, he likewise respects that the DCs are old enough to not pursue any further relationship with them.

I think you're being a little dramatic - you don't know the reason without asking them. If it bothers you so much maybe have a polite conversation about it before jumping to conclusions. You also don't know that their DC wanted yours there, you're just assuming. They might find it socially easier to hang out with people who all know each other rather than having to facilitate someone else joining.

I remember when I was 8 my aunt had an absolute strop because I didn't invite her son (who was 5 and bloody annoying) to my birthday party. It ruined my day. It was all my school friends. Some people just prefer to keep friend groups separate. You can be protective of your DC while teaching them that not everyone will want them around all the time and teach them to deal with it.

It truly flummoxes me how people actually behave like that!!
So rude and who the fuck do they think they are?
They still have smelly farts and shits... I hope they vomit and shit themselves at the same time, regularly.

They obviously want nothing to do with you so just ignore them.

Aye right. Last worditis personified.

It sounds like you are trying really hard at building relationships, and despite the let downs, you keep on trying, which is a positive you shouldn't take for granted. But it also sounds like you are terrified of losing people and I wonder your fears are so visible it's impacting your efforts. You also feel responsible for your daughter maintaining friends, so putting extra pressure on yourself, when they don't automatically go hand-in-hand. I definitely think therapy that specialises in working with people with autism can help here.

They are being incredibly nasty and this is unfortunately typical of this forum. There is a serious lack of empathy from many that post around here.

100% agree that they need to let SIL and her parents facilitate their own relationship, including visits, and OP needs to stop being left out. I get what she's saying about the drive being even more convenient for SIL but by allowing this arrangement to continue it is also reinforcing the idea that her in-laws can rely on them as family without having to treat them as such.

Do you not think the fact that you've struggled with friendships your entire life and that most the people on here are saying given the way you've behaved you may be part of the issue in this relationship dynamic with your SIL/BIL - that maybe you should step back and learn from that rather than demonising them. If you read the advice here more calmly it could really help you with this and other relationships, for you and your child.

Plenty of people who are ND manage to maintain friendships - it just may require more openness to adapting your instinctive behaviour to allow for better connections with others. This is also something NT people mostly have to do if you remove the few people who are just naturally brilliant at it.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this OP, and I think so many posters are being unnecessarily harsh, cold and ‘British’ about the whole thing.

My cousins are all in Australia, but I’m very close to two of the three of them - we talk regularly for hours on the phone and are active on social media.

My DH on the other hand has seven cousins 15 or so miles away and has very little to do with them, even though there’s no animosity - they just grew apart as adults.

I have two late teen children, and they have a lovely doting aunty but no cousins as she can’t have children, but they’re absolutely fine with this.

Having autism doesn't exclude you from having mum friends or otherwise.

Neurodiversity is far more recognised and accepted these days' - there will most definitely be other neurodiverse mums out there. I appreciate you will (likely) find putting yourself in a position where you have the opportunity to make friends hard however you need to make yourself do it. How did you meet your husband? Do you have any interests that could facilitate meeting others with similar interests?

You appear to have relied on your inlaws to perform the role of both family and friends. Perhaps they have found this too much / intense and this is why they have backed off. Perhaps they are concerned that your daughter will place the same reliance on her cousin.

Speak to them, ask them why they kept the party secret / have turned down all invites. You have nothing to lose.

Good luck.

No it isn't. And just because someone's an only child doesn't mean their cousins have to act like siblings. What's wrong with your child having friends that actually like them and want to play with them? You're passing on your insecurities to your child.