Woekn up at 3.13am, by DH saying "Fuck's sake"

[fastingforweightloss]

Apparently I was snoring. So he says "fucks sake" out loud, whilst turning on his side noisily. Definitely designed to wake me up. He knows I struggle to get back to sleep, if woken at that time. Small argument ensued, where I am told not to lie on my back. So essentially, this means lying on my side all night, facing the wall, not being able to move around to get comfy. That would be hard enough, but I have something wrong with my upper arms right now (dull ache), so lying on my side is not that comfy as it squashes my arms. He then falls back to sleep, facing away from me, but shortly rolls so that he is facing me (well, my back), and proceeds to snore into my ear for an hour, before I just call it quits and get up (at 4.20am) and get dressed. Now sitting in the dining room, and I am fuming.

For some context, just last week, he woke me up several times in the night. He sometimes gets in from work at 11pm, and has a bottle of wine to unwind. He then gets into bed around 3am, falls into a coma and snores loudly. But that's ok? Seems like a huge double standard to me.

He also has form for drinking on his days off, falling asleep on the sofa with the TV on, and then I have to get up at say 1am, to turn everything off, then I'm woken again when he rolls into bed at 5am. Yes, I have posted about this before if anyone thinks it sounds familiar.

It's now 4.47am, I have a long day ahead of me. Earliest I can go to bed tonight is 9pm, due to work commitments.

Can't edit heading for typos.

Could you two have separate rooms? You don't sound very compatible as bed sharers.

Sounds like you need separate bedrooms.

neither of you come out of this well. He has every right to be as angry as you are about disturbed sleep.

get an hour on the sofa or spare bed now before work.

My husband was like this. It used to astound me how he could go from ‘fast asleep’ to saying stuff like that to the person he apparently loved most in the world.

Long story short, I’m now in my own room and the house is being sold. I’m not living like that any more.

So his snoring annoys you but yours isn’t allowed to annoy him, is that right?

He is unreasonable swearing at you for something you have little control over (assuming you’re not hugely overweight etc). Being woken like that is unpleasant. As others have said, separate rooms would be best option if you have a spare room.

I can't take sides on this one. You both sound exhausted and snoring is a huge issue. You need to sit down and have a frank discussion during the day. Sleep is a priority. Is there a possibility to sleep in separate bedrooms until your sleep schedule is sorted out? I'd also suggest setting a timescale of 1 month. During that time neither of you drink alcohol, bed time is 11pm at the latest. Perhaps a walk outside after dinner if possible? If either of you are overweight this also needs addressing.i realise this will take longer. If you intend to sleep in the same bed you need to tackle this problem together.

You're missing the point entirely. If he snores I don't wake him up. If I snore, he wakes me up nastily and then falls back to sleep snoring (the irony) and then I can't get back to sleep. Been awake since 3.13am and have to work all day today. We can both find snoring annoying, but only one person is actually acting on it and waking the other on purpose. I have just laid awake next to him, trying to get back to sleep, but I can't because HE is snoring.

We do have a spare bedroom, I think I will tell him to sleep in there. Beginning of the end imo. We have both always said that is how we view separate bedrooms.

Why on earth are you up and dressed and not lying on the settee under a blanket trying to get back to sleep?

I am unfortunately wide awake. Even if I did try this, he is up for work at 5.15am, and that would wake me again.

You’ve both been a bit too black and white about why partnered up people might need to sleep in separate rooms. It’s not a life sentence on your relationship. It might be ‘the beginning of the end’ if you sleep apart. But on the other hand if the relationship is something you both want to work at then it could actually save the relationship because you’ve both had the regular chance of a nights sleep.

YABU for not waking him when he snores, don’t be such a martyr. He is BU for drinking so much in one sitting and going to bed drunk which is probably the cause of his snoring.

Separate bedrooms are not the end of the world so you are both BU on that point. Both of you need to act to find out the cause of the snoring and deal with it.

To be honest, it sounds like the beginning of the end if you stay sleeping in the same room and resenting each other. At least in separate rooms you both have a chance of a good nights sleep.

It's entirely reasonable to wake someone up if they're snoring - albeit in a nicer way than he did - you can do the same for him. But I agree separate beds is the way to go here, at least for some respite.

If you want your marriage to last do not go down the separate rooms road fully. You need to address this with him during daylight hours, he has a damn cheek waking you up at that hour, it’s completely inconsiderate imo. Maybe the nights he works till 11pm he could pop into the spare room as he’s not coming to bed until 3am!! I’d be very concerned about his drinking on days off and arriving home and starting in the early hours, what’s that all about??

I’m more worried about him drinking a bottle of wine each evening after work and potentially more on his days off. Could that be a cause of his irritable behaviour and poor sleep? Separate beds for a few weeks might help but resolving the alcohol issue could be a game changer

How is separate bedrooms the beginning of the end and resenting each other for something you both can't help not?

I don't understand the obsession with sleeping together when it means lying awake resenting the other person.

Nothing wrong with separate bedrooms, you both sleep well and you can enjoy being together because you're not grumpy or moody with each other. Dh and I sleep separately, we're very happily married.

I have a separate room from my partner.

He snored due to sleep apnea and now I snore. I had my tonsils and adenoids removed but my throat still closes up.

I don’t understand why some people still sleep together. Even before I got my bedroom I would sleep on the couch.

He's not unreasonable for needing you to stop snoring. You are unreasonable for putting yourself through sleeping with him and being a martyr when you have a spare room you could sleep in. Just sleep separately- how do you think miserable sleepless nights are helping your relationship?!

We've had separate bedrooms for years now due to my snoring/his snoring, i like yo go up to bed early while he watches sport or films. Best thing we ever did! And it doesn't impact our sex life at all!

Might not be such a bad thing if it was the beginning of the end, OP, he doesn't sound like much of a catch with all the drinking. Does he make you happy at all?

.,,so instead of going into the spare room, you got up and got dressed, in some bizarre passive aggressive power move …

Ear plugs. There are some really comfy ones these days.

I say sleeping separately is the way to go. We share a bedroom, start in the same bed and have coffee and read in bed together in the morning, but if I get hot in the night, or he snores, or he’s ill, then I’m gone.

the room next door is made for my best sleep. It’s very dark, I open the window wide, it’s quiet, it’s a standard double so tonnes of room for one, it’s a soft squishy bed with great pillows and a light feather duvet. My sleep is important, and I sleep better alone.

You need to voice note record him, and then wake him up in a similarly abrupt manner.