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AIBU?

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Original poster

Woekn up at 3.13am, by DH saying "Fuck's sake"

446 replies

fastingforweightloss · 21/09/2025 04:48

Apparently I was snoring. So he says "fucks sake" out loud, whilst turning on his side noisily. Definitely designed to wake me up. He knows I struggle to get back to sleep, if woken at that time. Small argument ensued, where I am told not to lie on my back. So essentially, this means lying on my side all night, facing the wall, not being able to move around to get comfy. That would be hard enough, but I have something wrong with my upper arms right now (dull ache), so lying on my side is not that comfy as it squashes my arms. He then falls back to sleep, facing away from me, but shortly rolls so that he is facing me (well, my back), and proceeds to snore into my ear for an hour, before I just call it quits and get up (at 4.20am) and get dressed. Now sitting in the dining room, and I am fuming.

For some context, just last week, he woke me up several times in the night. He sometimes gets in from work at 11pm, and has a bottle of wine to unwind. He then gets into bed around 3am, falls into a coma and snores loudly. But that's ok? Seems like a huge double standard to me.

He also has form for drinking on his days off, falling asleep on the sofa with the TV on, and then I have to get up at say 1am, to turn everything off, then I'm woken again when he rolls into bed at 5am. Yes, I have posted about this before if anyone thinks it sounds familiar.

It's now 4.47am, I have a long day ahead of me. Earliest I can go to bed tonight is 9pm, due to work commitments.

Can't edit heading for typos.

OP posts:
Jazliv · 21/09/2025 06:27

Me and my husband had separate rooms for 7 years and had 2 kids in that time. Now we don’t have a spare room and I hate it ha

CrownCoats · 21/09/2025 06:28

fastingforweightloss · 21/09/2025 05:06

You're missing the point entirely. If he snores I don't wake him up. If I snore, he wakes me up nastily and then falls back to sleep snoring (the irony) and then I can't get back to sleep. Been awake since 3.13am and have to work all day today. We can both find snoring annoying, but only one person is actually acting on it and waking the other on purpose. I have just laid awake next to him, trying to get back to sleep, but I can't because HE is snoring.

We do have a spare bedroom, I think I will tell him to sleep in there. Beginning of the end imo. We have both always said that is how we view separate bedrooms.

Show quote history

Lots and lots of couples have separate bedrooms. It saves relationships rather than ends them.

Also, why don’t you wake your partner when he snores? It’s strange to just lie there and do nothing about it. I always give mine a shove so he rolls into his side. It doesn’t properly wake him up but it definitely shuts him up.

WatchingTheDetective · 21/09/2025 06:28

I'm not sure why you're still living with him. If somebody banged his hand on my pillow when I was asleep or shouted at me when I was asleep I wouldn't feel safe and I would want to leave. Why are you still with him? He sounds absolutely horrible.

Goodideaornot · 21/09/2025 06:29

I totally get how ragey you feel. I’m the same when I’m sleep deprived. The only answer is separate bedrooms. It doesn’t need to be the beginning of the end. That really is a choice. My husband and I don’t share a bedroom (I’d probably have died of sleep deprivation by now or thrown all his things out of the window because of his mess). The way things are going at the moment it really will be the end soon enough, given how angry you’re feeling

Theextraordinaryisintheordinary · 21/09/2025 06:30

You both sound like you’re working hard & are tired. Separate rooms doesn’t mean the end. We frequently sleep separately during the working week but my husband is currently snoring next to me now after snuggling in last night. It’s amazing sleeping alone if you have the room. Such a luxury. It hasn’t affected our relationship apart from the fact we’re getting more rest.

Don’t ruin your Sunday over this. Make a plan to ship him into the spare room but keep it light, do it with a smile. It’s great! You can just text him to visit your room if you’re feeling amorous.

Get a nice cuppa and have a lovely Sunday together.x

Katemax82 · 21/09/2025 06:31

SALaw · 21/09/2025 04:56

So his snoring annoys you but yours isn’t allowed to annoy him, is that right?

Did she wake him up to have a go at him though??

DreamOfTheRarebitFiend · 21/09/2025 06:32

Sorry, OP, but I would guess that your snoring is worse than you imagine. I snore as well, and sometimes I'd get a nudge from my dh to roll over when I wasn't even totally aware I was asleep.

Being cranky from lack of sleep is affecting BOTH of you. He shouldn't have punched your pillow, that was needlessly aggressive, but if I'm honest I do understand the emotion behind it. Lack of sleep makes you irritable and on-edge and exacerbates everything. Sleep deprivation is used as torture for a reason. Some nights I'd lie there gritting my teeth, feeling like I literally hated my dh.

Separate bedrooms saved my sanity and probably our marriage.

Toesy · 21/09/2025 06:32

You are in an abusive relationship with a pig.
This is your life until you seek support.
You deserve so much better.

Original poster
fastingforweightloss · 21/09/2025 06:34

HereWeGo1234 · 21/09/2025 06:25

Are there weight or alcohol issues involved? You said he sometimes drinks a bottle of wine-a glass or two is fine, a bottle is a lot.
Record him after one of his bottles of wine. Keep a diary for about a week or 10 days and then present it to him along with the recording. Tell him you can’t go on like this any more and ask him what changes does he think would help. Tell him you are happy to make changes also and see what he says. If he can’t be bothered to acknowledge how difficult it is for you and make an effort then let him move into the spare room.
What is obvious is that you can’t go on like this, you will make yourself ill, make mistakes at work, god forbid-have an accident, eat crap in order to keep you going etc. etc.

This is actually a great idea, thank you. I'm going to do this. If he is drinking, he will have 1 or 2 bottles. To be fair, I am the same, but we do not drink every night. No one drank last night.

He is overweight and won't do anything about it. I am at least trying. I'm fasting (18/6) and only eat salad for lunch. I have asked him if he wants to join me with this diet. The answer was no.

There is no sex - not my choice - he has ED.

I am SO SO SO SO angry this morning. 3.13am ! I could quite honestly smash him in the fucking face at this point.

He also went off to work with the sandwich I kindly made him last night, with no mention of a thanks for it. Small thing, but annoying.

OP posts:
thinklagoon · 21/09/2025 06:34

CatherinedeBourgh · 21/09/2025 05:34

How is separate bedrooms the beginning of the end and resenting each other for something you both can't help not?

I don't understand the obsession with sleeping together when it means lying awake resenting the other person.

Show quote history

Yes! I love DP a lot more now I actually get some sleep on a regular basis. One of us stays in bed with the baby monitor and is on kid duty, allowed to snore/thrash/have insomnia as we please. The other sleeps like the dead in the spare room. It’s bloody blissful. Has completely reduced our resentment, squabbles, tit-for-tat behaviour; we like each other a lot more when we’re rested. Snoring makes me murderous.

raymanrules · 21/09/2025 06:34

FlynnD93 · 21/09/2025 05:19

If you want your marriage to last do not go down the separate rooms road fully. You need to address this with him during daylight hours, he has a damn cheek waking you up at that hour, it’s completely inconsiderate imo. Maybe the nights he works till 11pm he could pop into the spare room as he’s not coming to bed until 3am!! I’d be very concerned about his drinking on days off and arriving home and starting in the early hours, what’s that all about??

Marriage break up isn’t necessarily true (I suppose it depends on the marriage). My OH works different hours than me and we were always disturbing each other when going to bed. Then there was his snoring, me waking up early, him too cold, me too hot etc. We agreed that on our working days, my OH sleeps in the spare room. We decorated to his taste, he has everything he needs/wants. It’s been the best thing for both of us. No more arguing, no more lack of sleep and we actually look forward to going to bed together on our days off. Everyone’s different and has their own opinion of couples sleeping in separate rooms. But it works for us

whatevenwasthat · 21/09/2025 06:35

fastingforweightloss · 21/09/2025 06:24

Just to say, my "snoring" is NOT full on fat man snoring, it's slight heavier breathing, that many of us do when asleep. When he is on day shift, he gets up at 5.15am, and is he is VERY precious about getting a good nights sleep. He goes up to bed at 8.15pm. So that's NINE hours in bed, so whilst it's an early start, he's not exactly sleep deprived. This is when he is hyper vigilant of any noise I make.

However, when he does not have an early start, all bets are off. He smokes, drinks, devours a family bag of crisps, falls asleep in front of the TV. I often have to come down at 2am and turn everything off, because the neighbours can hear the TV at that time of night. I do all that, go back to bed, then he comes up around 5am, and wakes me again by stumbling in to bed. Then falls straight to sleep and goes into FULL on snoring. In my face. After smoking, drinking, eating crisps, and without brushing his teeth. Given that I endure that, you would think that I might have some credits in the bank for a bit of heavy breathing when he has to be up at 515. But no, apparently not. It's ok to wake me up.

He left and had the cheek to say, hopefully I will get a nap today! Yes, whilst working I'm sure I'll squeeze in a nap. Fucking tool.

I don’t think it’s sleeping in separate rooms that would signal the the of your marriage. Sounds like you’re already half way out the door.

NormasArse · 21/09/2025 06:35

DH and I have separate rooms. We visit one another, but then go back for a good night’s sleep. We’ve been married 30 years and sleeping separately for 9. Well rested people make for nicer partners.

The drinking might be an issue though.

whatsit84 · 21/09/2025 06:37

Earplugs? The soft foam ones?

Lilactimes · 21/09/2025 06:37

fastingforweightloss · 21/09/2025 06:24

Just to say, my "snoring" is NOT full on fat man snoring, it's slight heavier breathing, that many of us do when asleep. When he is on day shift, he gets up at 5.15am, and is he is VERY precious about getting a good nights sleep. He goes up to bed at 8.15pm. So that's NINE hours in bed, so whilst it's an early start, he's not exactly sleep deprived. This is when he is hyper vigilant of any noise I make.

However, when he does not have an early start, all bets are off. He smokes, drinks, devours a family bag of crisps, falls asleep in front of the TV. I often have to come down at 2am and turn everything off, because the neighbours can hear the TV at that time of night. I do all that, go back to bed, then he comes up around 5am, and wakes me again by stumbling in to bed. Then falls straight to sleep and goes into FULL on snoring. In my face. After smoking, drinking, eating crisps, and without brushing his teeth. Given that I endure that, you would think that I might have some credits in the bank for a bit of heavy breathing when he has to be up at 515. But no, apparently not. It's ok to wake me up.

He left and had the cheek to say, hopefully I will get a nap today! Yes, whilst working I'm sure I'll squeeze in a nap. Fucking tool.

He sounds pretty grim @fastingforweightloss . And that is a horrid way to be woken up. He is not behaving very nicely.

i think it is hard to know how your snore. I shared with my DD when staying with family once and one night she said I snored - really loudly. Other nights nothing.

it sounds like you’re both keeping eachother awake. I would make the spare room into a sanctuary for you, set up how you like the bed, temperature and lighting - and then move into it if he starts snoring.

I would prefer to be the person who moved as I would be in control and could just slip out when I chose.
Of course it’s not the beginning of the end - many people have separate rooms or a room they escape to to sleep in x x

WeeGeeBored · 21/09/2025 06:40

fastingforweightloss · 21/09/2025 05:06

You're missing the point entirely. If he snores I don't wake him up. If I snore, he wakes me up nastily and then falls back to sleep snoring (the irony) and then I can't get back to sleep. Been awake since 3.13am and have to work all day today. We can both find snoring annoying, but only one person is actually acting on it and waking the other on purpose. I have just laid awake next to him, trying to get back to sleep, but I can't because HE is snoring.

We do have a spare bedroom, I think I will tell him to sleep in there. Beginning of the end imo. We have both always said that is how we view separate bedrooms.

Show quote history

Beginning of the end? Perhaps you can both adjust your ideals? You might both end up being liberated by separate bedrooms and might both sleep so well that you have more energy and love for each other. Try it.

greengreengrass3 · 21/09/2025 06:41

On many occasions I’ve muttered fucks sake to my DH’s snoring and gave him a push to wake him, I can’t be sleeping with that going off but he just apologises and turns over.

I’ve also been the one to be awake in the middle of the night and I’d wait for DH to get up for work and then spread out and have a couple more hours sleep.

PrioritisePleasure24 · 21/09/2025 06:46

As a regular insomniac you don’t have to get up and dressed just because you are wide awake. You can drop off again. But you are obviously too wound up to.
I would have ; taken a sleep aid, kalms or a drowsy anti histamine helps me. Warm drink. spare room. Earplugs or an in ear headphone and watch something on my phone or listen to a podcast. This tends to help me back to sleep.

Also you’ll be ok at work. I have worked many shifts with little sleep. Just keep hydrated and maybe on your break have a walk outside in fresh air.

Oh and i would be telling husband we would be sleeping in seperate rooms as you do r like your pillow being punched or being sworn at.

Original poster
fastingforweightloss · 21/09/2025 06:48

I don't see why I should be the one to move out. I've just bought a new bed frame, new (expensive) mattress. Whoever moves into the spare room gets daughters old bed (she left 9 years ago), which isn't as comfy as new bed.

I'm so fed up of his selfish behaviour. SELFISH.

OP posts:
LoveWine123 · 21/09/2025 06:49

Snoring issue aside (both yours and his) I’d be more concerned with his alcohol problem.

BunnyRuddington · 21/09/2025 06:50

So he drinks one to two bottles of wine, comes to bed late and doesn’t care about waking you, is overweight and won’t do anything about it, has ED so your Sex Life is non-existent and on top of all of that he punches your pillow and swears at you?

I’m not sure why so many posters are suggesting yoi move to the spare room. Maybe do this as a temporary measure but you need to be living in separate houses. It sounds as though it’s not going to be long before he punches you instead of the pillow.

PrioritisePleasure24 · 21/09/2025 06:55

Reading further into your posts neither seems happy. Both of you drink a lot when you do drink. You dont sound like you like him very much. No intimacy. Do you actually get on and think this is worth saving?

Original poster
fastingforweightloss · 21/09/2025 06:55

BunnyRuddington · 21/09/2025 06:50

So he drinks one to two bottles of wine, comes to bed late and doesn’t care about waking you, is overweight and won’t do anything about it, has ED so your Sex Life is non-existent and on top of all of that he punches your pillow and swears at you?

I’m not sure why so many posters are suggesting yoi move to the spare room. Maybe do this as a temporary measure but you need to be living in separate houses. It sounds as though it’s not going to be long before he punches you instead of the pillow.

Yes, you're right on your descriptions there. We have been together almost 2 decades. He has never punched me, so I'm not fearful on that front.

He's just selfish. And lazy. Just popped upstairs, and as I expected, he's left all the lights on, hasn't turned the bed down to air, left dirty underpants on the radiator instead of putting them in the wash basket. Wash basket is full again. Guess who will be sorting that today? Guess who will be making dinner? Guess who will be clearing up after dinner?

OP posts:
Iocainepowder · 21/09/2025 06:56

I now remember you from another thread op. You seem to have a very negative and bitter attitude, where it’s everyone else except you who does wrong.

I would really suggest some therapy to unpick this so you can look at self improvement and a better way of dealing with things.

Original poster
fastingforweightloss · 21/09/2025 06:57

PrioritisePleasure24 · 21/09/2025 06:55

Reading further into your posts neither seems happy. Both of you drink a lot when you do drink. You dont sound like you like him very much. No intimacy. Do you actually get on and think this is worth saving?

I honestly don't know, but I'm not thinking clearly right now, because I am so very angry at being awake from 313am.

Lots of things are good, believe it or not. Mostly get along well. Plenty of money. Fantastic holidays long haul. Lots of exciting retirement plans.

OP posts: