Woekn up at 3.13am, by DH saying "Fuck's sake"

[fastingforweightloss]

Apparently I was snoring. So he says "fucks sake" out loud, whilst turning on his side noisily. Definitely designed to wake me up. He knows I struggle to get back to sleep, if woken at that time. Small argument ensued, where I am told not to lie on my back. So essentially, this means lying on my side all night, facing the wall, not being able to move around to get comfy. That would be hard enough, but I have something wrong with my upper arms right now (dull ache), so lying on my side is not that comfy as it squashes my arms. He then falls back to sleep, facing away from me, but shortly rolls so that he is facing me (well, my back), and proceeds to snore into my ear for an hour, before I just call it quits and get up (at 4.20am) and get dressed. Now sitting in the dining room, and I am fuming.

For some context, just last week, he woke me up several times in the night. He sometimes gets in from work at 11pm, and has a bottle of wine to unwind. He then gets into bed around 3am, falls into a coma and snores loudly. But that's ok? Seems like a huge double standard to me.

He also has form for drinking on his days off, falling asleep on the sofa with the TV on, and then I have to get up at say 1am, to turn everything off, then I'm woken again when he rolls into bed at 5am. Yes, I have posted about this before if anyone thinks it sounds familiar.

It's now 4.47am, I have a long day ahead of me. Earliest I can go to bed tonight is 9pm, due to work commitments.

Can't edit heading for typos.

You say different rooms is ‘the beginning of the end’ but it sounds like the end is already beginning, from the way you both treat each other and talk about each other.
Couples in a healthy, loving relationship would talk about it calmly and try and come up for a workable solution for both of you, not swear at each other and talk about wanting to smash faces in.
Sleep deprivation is torturous. Snoring is hugely frustrating. You both snore. It’s down to both of you to come up with a solution that means you can both get adequate sleep.

Not sure exactly what you want tbh OP?
You've said sleeping in separate rooms is the beginning of the end, but so is resentment which is far more difficult to recover from than having your own rooms.
Why not give it a trial for a fortnight and see how you feel?

Sort out the spare room and make it a pleasant personal space.

Possibly clutching at straws here, but certainly if you sleep better without him snoring and coming in/ out, you will feel better. That's the easiest change to make.

He needs to stop with the heavy drinking and binge snacks. Excessive weight will aggravate his snoring and tiredness levels. I'm getting the vibe that he'll be reluctant to do that though and there doesn't seem to be much respect at his end of the relationship.

Good sleep in seperate bedrooms doesn't kill relationships.
Lack of respect does.

If you do LTB which would be entirely understandable, it's not an instant process and seperate bedrooms (with better sleep) would make that a slightly easier process.

You can't change him if he doesn't want to change.
But you can make tweaks that save your sanity. Don't be passive and cite unreasonable arbitary excuses.

"Separate bedrooms, and eventually separate houses is probably the best thing for you. I don’t think there’s much of a marriage to save.

Sleep studies for both of you for the snoring. Get yours done even if he won’t get one done. You’ll sleep a lot better.

He needs to reduce his alcohol dependence.

In the short term clear off the spare bed and start using it."
This

YABU to cling onto the idea of sleeping in the same room as the epitome of married life, both in general, and in the context of the sleep deprivation, anger, alcoholism, no sex (because of ED) and what sounds like no affection (because of no sex), what sounds like separate finances (“I bought the mattress”), unfair revision of labour and the seething resentment. You have had a spare room for 9 years. There is no need for it to be treated as dds old room, or a spare room. You can get a new mattress and make it into a comfortable room for one of you and get some sleep,

As an aside, lots of people who have health conditions are really not able to control their weight.

DH and I have slept in separate rooms for 13 years. He moved into the spare room when DC2 was born and I was at home on maternity leave, so he could get a good nights sleep on work nights. He’s never moved back in! It was a game changer for us, we’re both snorers. The difference regular, undisturbed sleep makes to your general mood, makes for a much happier marriage in our case. I’d go as far to say that it actually saved our marriage. He sniffs a lot as well as the snoring and generally thrashes about, I snore and talk in my sleep. We were permanently exhausted and snappy with each other. We’ve been married 25 years and still going strong.

Separate rooms.

my husband snores and I have no patience for it.

We have separate bedrooms. Don't get me wrong, healthy love life but my hubby has health conditions and I work four long stressful days a week and need my sleep. He wears a cpap and I know I sometimes snore/disturb him. So on nights I have to be up for work next day we sleep separately. Three nights together when its not such a big deal if I'm disturbed or he is. Its made our marriage way less stressful and the time we do share more close.

But sleeping separately would signal the beginning of the end, not any of this behaviour? Also, with that background I’d definitely have the spare room ready to use at any given point (if I was choosing to remain in the same house, which I wouldn’t).

It sounds like they’re already close to the end TBH, not at the beginning of it!

You're almost at the end of the end, not the beginning!

It literally is not the beginning of the end; I've posted already to say why me and my husband have separate rooms 4 nights out of 7 and we have literally made our lives better because of it, and our relationship strong. Tbh you just seem angry with the whole situation in general. If its worth saving you'll pretty much look at any realistic solution when you're with someone, and that would mean give and take on both sides. If you genuinely feel he won't work with you on that then it is over, obviously, because there's no element of partnership or relationship left.

Yes, same here, I go up early and he stays up to watch something. In over 5 years we've very very rarely slept in the same bed. And our relationship is better for it.

Snoring is involuntary but extremely annoying. If you were snoring loudly then I am sympathetic to your DH waking you up. My DH snores and long ago I decided to wake him when he does rather than suffer through it.

You on the other hand do not wake your DH up when he snores but instead lay awake and then complain about it behind his back like a passive aggressive martyr. He doesn’t know he is snoring any more than you do when you snore. If you don’t like it, wake him up.

Otherwise I agree with PPs that separate rooms would seem the way forward. I imagine you both would be happy with that as it doesn’t sound like you like each other very much anyway.

I can’t see what the problem is. If my DH is snoring I gently tap him, tell him he’s snoring and ask him to roll onto his side. He dies so and then falls back to sleep. He dies the same to me.
Being in bed with a snorer is annoying whether it’s the male or the female. As the snorer you don’t truly know how annoying your snoring is as you’re asleep.

Its hilariously over dramatic to say that separate rooms are the beginning of the end, many couples including myself live like that for decades, theres literally no downside. We are both well rested and dont bicker cause we resent each other for a bad nights sleep. When you're asleep you arent having sex, chatting or cuddling, you're literally unconscious so you arent missing out on time with that person. Definitely preferable to being sleep deprived and resentful- that along with the excessive drinking, selfish fat husband and passive aggressive attitudes are what will end your marriage not sleeping in separate rooms.

You both need to sleep in separate bedrooms at least until you have caught up with your sleep and can talk about your future with clear heads. Sharing a bed is destroying your chance of working things out.

Using a nebuliser really reduces snoring, DS is always blocked by mucus in his throat and sinuses, the nebuliser helps him have a more peaceful sleep.

Just on the separate rooms thing you are being a bit ridiculous. Myself and husband sleep separately and our relationship is great, we just sleep better that way. If separate rooms is a relationship problem for you then that's about your relationship, not your sleeping situation.

YABU you should have been in your own rooms years ago.

i shared a room with my mum on holiday once. At 3am after zero minutes sleep I found myself fantasizing about killing her due to her snoring. I was so sleep deprived!! So I understand people that hate snorers in the middle of the night, it’s torture

Totally what we do and totally agree 😅we have date nights and they're special (and frequent 😅) and this is despite hubby's health conditions. We put effort into it because once its all about anger and resentment you're lost.

hasn't turned the bed down to air

Does anyone actually do this at night time nowadays? Surely it's unnecessary with duvets and just makes the bed cold?

OP, it's bizarre you keep putting yourself through this when tbe answer is separate beds. Get a new mattress for tbe spare room. Plenty of couples sleep separately and their relationship is better for it.
If he's a horrible man though deal with that, don't make it about the snoring.

I also noted the comment about ED so no sex. Has he seen a doctor? Tried medication? My husband had to because of health issues, we worked on it and got our sex life back (with 4 nights a week sleeping in different rooms) Unless you feel there's something to fight for it won't get resolved on any level- and that goes for both partners.