Woekn up at 3.13am, by DH saying "Fuck's sake"

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Apparently I was snoring. So he says "fucks sake" out loud, whilst turning on his side noisily. Definitely designed to wake me up. He knows I struggle to get back to sleep, if woken at that time. Small argument ensued, where I am told not to lie on my back. So essentially, this means lying on my side all night, facing the wall, not being able to move around to get comfy. That would be hard enough, but I have something wrong with my upper arms right now (dull ache), so lying on my side is not that comfy as it squashes my arms. He then falls back to sleep, facing away from me, but shortly rolls so that he is facing me (well, my back), and proceeds to snore into my ear for an hour, before I just call it quits and get up (at 4.20am) and get dressed. Now sitting in the dining room, and I am fuming.

For some context, just last week, he woke me up several times in the night. He sometimes gets in from work at 11pm, and has a bottle of wine to unwind. He then gets into bed around 3am, falls into a coma and snores loudly. But that's ok? Seems like a huge double standard to me.

He also has form for drinking on his days off, falling asleep on the sofa with the TV on, and then I have to get up at say 1am, to turn everything off, then I'm woken again when he rolls into bed at 5am. Yes, I have posted about this before if anyone thinks it sounds familiar.

It's now 4.47am, I have a long day ahead of me. Earliest I can go to bed tonight is 9pm, due to work commitments.

Can't edit heading for typos.

Separate bed rooms are not a relationship deal breaker, they often actually really improve them. You would be surprised at the number of couples that live like this.

Having a spouse that's an uncaring, aggressive slob, on the other hand, is a serious problem.

Have a conversation when you’re in a better mood about one of you moving into the spare bedroom or even taking it in turns to sleep there. We sleep in separate bedrooms because of my husband’s snoring and it doesn’t mean our relationship is in trouble, it’s just being pragmatic.

We share a bed when we stay in hotels and it’s always a relief to get home & get an uninterrupted nights sleep again.

It’s silly to frame separate bedrooms as the beginning of the end, esp when sharing a bed is as hellish as this and you’re not having sex anyway. I had the numb arm issue so we stopped sharing and now we both get a good night’s sleep and see each other for cuddles when we wake up. There’s loads of stats on how much better it can be for couples as they get older.

however the way you react about how it has to be him moving into the spare room because you just bought the new bed and he’s selfish etc feels like this is about a lot more than snoring/sleeping issues. It sounds like you don’t like him, which is fair enough with the drinking, but it depends whether you want ri solve this particular issue or fan the flames for more fights. Get a new bed for the spare room or swap the beds, or accept it was family money that paid for the new bed and get past the him vs you thing on this. You also bring up the dogs issue as to why you couldn’t have moved, and it feels like you’re more stuck on negative angles than sorting it which you could do constructively as you have a spare room and the ‘end of the marriage’ thing is bogus. Perhaps it’s because you’re tired, but if you do want the marriage to last, sort that spare room and then you can tackle the rest of the issues when you’re less strung out.

We get twin beds now in hotels, push them together as required, and then apart to sleep soundly. Works well so far.

So make the spare room nice too. It’s not rocket salad.

Im a decade into a relationship that we plan to stay in. We don't live together and can go a month without the opportunity to sleep together. When we are together it's because we choose to be, not just out of proximity, habit or logistics. I see separate rooms in the same way. Each can have their own bit of personal space and great sleep but come together when they choose. Absolutely no reason why it's the beginning of the end.

Sleep in different rooms for a month and see how you view each other once you’re both getting more decent sleep.

Surely you can understand that if you were angry about being woken up at 3am, so was he. Self-control at 3am isn't a thing.

You have a solution right there with the spare bedroom, use it.

Yeah, they’ve got plenty of money so buy a new bloody bed.
oooorrr, just keep being a martyr.

Why are you with him OP? Given all your posts on this and the advice given .if you know he is a terrible snorer why not have the spare bedroom cleared so you can sleep in there

You do not have to go to work, get his dinner and tidy up though? Surely you can get your own dinner and leave him to get his own?

I do agree that you seem stuck in a way of behaviour and probably need some Counselling to help you understand why you put up with his behaviour and why you are reluctant to change.

Long haul holidays and nice retirement plans are a bit of a distraction if you’re unhappy for the other 50 weeks of the year.

You say sleeping in separate beds is the beginning of the end yet you have no intimacy.
What exactly do you thing it will be the beginning of the end of?

Separate bedrooms save many marriages. The deeper problem is that you don't seem to like each other.

I would use the breathe right nose strips, ear plugs and white noise first. They helped us for a long time until they didn't and he moved into the spare room. I must of been 51? I have slept together with him for 30 years up to that point. It's not the beginning of the end what a load of rubbish whoever said that!

You've been told what to do. Leave him. Why bother posting when you are going to ignore us? Why bother posting?

Have you recorded his snoring so he at least has to acknowledge it’s not a one-sided problem?

The snoring is easily fixed with the spare bedroom. The drinking and obvious dislike for each other is the real problem!

But surely you still hear the snoring?

I do have some good (expensive) ear plugs. But I prefer not to have to use them every night, they make my ears ache after long use.

Last time you went on holidays he punched your pillow. One would think you'd never want to go on holiday with him ever again in your entire life.
Exciting retirement plans? Neither of you can even get a good night sleep next to each other, for goodness sake! You're living in a fantasy world. Just leave!

I know what you are all saying about separate rooms, however, we have ALWAYS said that that would be the beginning of the end. So whilst we could do it, we both know it would be signifying something. That said, there's no fucking way I could be in the same bed as him tonight. So some fucker is moving.

Honestly OP, your marriage to this abusive prick is over.
You are in massive denial.
I so hope you don't have children in this mess.

Just because you always said something doesn't make it true.

Lots of people on this thread telling you they have moved to separate bedrooms and their marriages are fine. You can still have sex for example, just move to one of the bedrooms and then separate again for sleeping.

I think separate bedrooms will save your relationship, not kill it off. What might kill your relationship is the inability to communicate calmly and with respect, also the amount he is drinking.

No it’s not reasonable to wake someone if you know they won’t get back to sleep. Very selfish.
My DH used to be woken by my snoring. If he knew that I was exhausted he would just leave me be and go into another room. I was very grateful !

For goodness sake, you have a spare room so use it and you'll both be happier.
It's the start to improve your marriage, which is already heading down hill fast because of your sleeping arrangements!!