Being shouted at over the washing

[Pinktize]

Last year, DH and I nearly split up. One of the things that came up was lack of help round the house (we both work full time). He said "fine, I'll do all the kids washing". And now that's his thing - he does the kids washing.

But he is now getting v angry about me putting kids clothes in the washing machine. So our youngest is having lots of accidents at the moment, and it means PJs smell of wee being left in the washing basket for days. This morning - I was doing some of my washing and shoved in some smelly PJs that were sat by the machine. He came down and said "oh you put a wash on. just your clothes right?" - i replied "oh, i put in some smelly DS clothes" and he goes mad. this has happened before. shouting at me "you're gaslighting me. i tell you jsut to do your own washing and you just don't do it. you constantly go against the system and put in the kids washing" i mean he shouted at me straight for 10 mins. i said nothign. then he said "oh you're just not going to respond. you're so immature" etc.

I am being unreasonable? I mean it's great that he wants to manage it but surely it's a bit insane to be shouted at for doing some washing. He said "you promised you wouldn't do this again. you're making me feel like i'm being ridiculous but you're messing with the system and doing whatever the fuck you want and then making me feel unreasonable for beign angry. just do yoru own fucking washing". I mean...i have promised to let him get on with it, but surely pissy smelly PJs sat stinking the place out. It seems so crazily OTT to me to be so angry

Shouting at someone for 10 minutes is never acceptable.

I mean it sounds ridiculous the way you've told it but I'd like to hear his side. But no, shouting at you for any length of time is not on.

How stupid. Clearly pissy clothes need to be washed rather than fester.

In an ideal world you don’t need a division of labour that is so prescriptive. You should each be able to gauge what needs doing and do it. However he sounds like a child who has chores.

Regarding shouting I can say in 36 years of marriage we have occasionally shouted at one another but at no point has either of us been shouted at the way you describe. It would make me really dislike him unfortunately.

How would you describe your relationship?

He's a control freak.

I do agree with him in that ignoring people completely is a bit immature though.

Are there other issues behind this, as its a lot of anger over a pair of peed pj's?

As a job allocation this makes no sense. Surely you shove all the coloured washing in the washing machine when it needs doing, ditto the whites irrespective of who they belong to?

Sounds very bizarre to get worked up about this. We do clothes by colour rather than by person so if its a dark wash I collect from everyones basket, same with lighter colours. Pissy washing would be done immediately and not left to fester in a basket for days

He's supposed to be your partner, the one who has your back in life. He's not seeing you as an equal team mate. Shouting at you like that shows he has no respect. I personally couldn't get past that. Counselling to deal with a proper way to divide up housework that is flexible to the changes that come with everyday life. There should just be jobs that need doing, rigidly sticking to a plan he wanted which doesn't work when things change isn't going to make for a happy life. Or set a clear boundary that if he raises his voice again to you, the marriage is over and mean it.

so his argument is that 'well, if you say i don't do enough around the house - then i'll do the kids washing. that is my job. you don't worry about it anymore'. GREAT. But then if there are smelly kids clothes all over the place, or the kids don't have enough clothese - I will shove a load in. And then he goes mad. I proabbly did say last time he went mad 'ok ok, i won't do it again. i'll leave the whole thing to you'. and then of course i've done it again this mornign and he is shouting saying 'you just lie. you do what the fuck you lke. you're choatic and you just don't do as i say and as we agreed before. if you were a man - people would say you're being unreasonable, unhelpful. but because you're a woman you're going to say i'm the horrible one for shouting' etc etc.

I didn't ignore him in a horrible way. But he's shouting in front of our young child who is watchign telly so i'm trying to ensure it finishes as quickliy as possible and me sticking up for myself will prolong the argument. i just let him rant.

he ended saying 'you either leave it alone. or i wont' do the washing anymore. you decide'. he only thinks he's being reasonable. i can't get my head round it.

I think you have bigger problems than laundry division.

There's no excuse for shouting but if him doing the kids washing saved your relationship after nearly splitting it will be triggering for him to see you take over.

If it's his job you have to let him fail at it sometimes instead of swooping in. If that means the kids go without so be it.

If you don't agree it's his job or it's not working you need to discuss that with him.

@olderbutwiser indeed we do. indeed we do.

i just wanted to understand if others would find it as frustrating as he clearly does. that if you have a 'my job' in the house - would it make you crazy mad if your other half stepped in occassionally? do others just prefer to have jobs that they do without anyone getting involved

the issue is i am not desparate to do laundry. but i feel like i'm losing my mind to live in a house where i can small pissy clothes and not be allowed to put them in a washing machien. i mean - what the hell?

This. So if you need some clothes washed and can only half fill the machine with them, do you run it on half full and ignore a load of other dirty clothes that could also go in? Your water and electricity usage must be enormous. How much time do you waste filtering through the laundry basket picking out your items? This whole setup would drive me nuts.

Sit down and have a chat and find a way to split chores that makes more sense.

I would say keeping silent in the face of an angry man shouting and berating you for 10 minutes is a very normal response. Part fear, part lack of wanting to escalate and part recognition of the futility and danger of arguing with someone out of control and unreasonable. OP, you did nothing wrong. His response is the worrying one.

@Livelaughlurgy go without clothes? so be it? they need to wear pjs that aren't soaked in piss. not sure that me having high standards....

I think he is taking the fact that you are putting the pyjama pants in with your wash as a veiled criticism that he isn't doing the children's washing to your satisfaction.

I would do the same as you and want them washed fast, BUT in all honesty op, it is clear from your post you think he isn't washing them soon enough, so yes, you are critical of his management of it.

I'm not saying you don't have some cause to be, but it tends to help in these arguments to be honest with yourself about what you are conveying.

He's not really doing the laundry if he can't notice when it needs doing or extra loads need to be done more quickly. He sounds very ridged or contrary. You need to talk about it all again.

i really am not being critical. i don't think i am. we both work hard during the week and PJs getting left for days is fine. i literally just grabbed some PJs that were shoved next to the machine. i wasn't trying to swoop in or be critical. clearly that is how he's taken it. but does it not feel mad to be putting a wash on and to be able to smell pissy clothes next to me and not just put them in? i know it's not a huge deal but it makes me feel like i'm living in some sort of weird regime.

I don’t think you did anything wrong. If he wasn’t ready to do the wash then he could at least have put the smelly pyjamas to soak. It feels like he’s waiting for you to touch the children’s washing to start a debate about it.

@NomoneyNoprospects i have tried. his attitude is 'i will do it entirely and you laeve it alone or i wont' do it at all'.

surely pissy smelly PJs sat stinking the place out.

Did you at least point that out? I understand you not wanting to continue the argument but sitting there ignoring him and not pointing out a valid fact isn’t going to help either. He’s hardly helping around the house by doing the kids washing, you have to do your own so it’s not like he’s taken a job off you. I would love to just do kids washing and DH do hoovering, cleaning, tidying, polishing, bathrooms and all the other house chores. Can you see how the imbalance isn’t fair? Doesn’t sound like laundry is your main issue for him to go off like that

Oh for fuck’s sake I really do lose my patience with people who read about an angry man shouting at a woman for 10 minutes, in front of their child, because she did some washing of all things, and can find them in them to be all ‘well it was immature of you to ignore him’ or ‘well if you’d agreed he’d do the washing I can see ….’ Blah blah

The bar is literally in hell for these women.

@Pinktize No, of course no normal, non-abusive person would lose their tag like tbis and get this upset because someone put some pissy pyjamas in the wash. You husband isn’t even upset that you’ve put them in the wash - it’s just a stick to beat you with and an excuse to be abusive. He’s accusing you of gaslighting when that’s exactly what he’s doing, making you doubt and question yourself and wonder if he might have a point. Classic DARVO. Couldn’t be clearer. Your poor child having to be witness to that - does he shout and rant and rave a lot? Is it really, truly over just this one thing? Is your child anxious about it hence the wetting?

What do you need to do to get to a place where you can leave this angry, abusive man? How can you be supported in that?

No its not at all mad to be putting them in sooner. I'd do the same.

But I do think he is TAKING it as criticism, and to some extent it is because you (and I) do think they need washing sooner.

I'm not trying to criticise you in saying that, but just trying to help by explaining how I think he is taking it - and he has some reason to interpret it that way.

I think when he is calm a discussion around the allocation as pp suggested is useful.

Or just close the door on the pissy pants and try to sort the deeper issues, because I think this is a playing out of other issues.

I think there are deeper issues too.

ETA I don't think starting with the washing is the place to address these problems op.

The bigger issue is his anger and desire to control.