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AIBU?

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Original poster

Being shouted at over the washing

264 replies

Pinktize · 20/09/2025 11:43

Last year, DH and I nearly split up. One of the things that came up was lack of help round the house (we both work full time). He said "fine, I'll do all the kids washing". And now that's his thing - he does the kids washing.

But he is now getting v angry about me putting kids clothes in the washing machine. So our youngest is having lots of accidents at the moment, and it means PJs smell of wee being left in the washing basket for days. This morning - I was doing some of my washing and shoved in some smelly PJs that were sat by the machine. He came down and said "oh you put a wash on. just your clothes right?" - i replied "oh, i put in some smelly DS clothes" and he goes mad. this has happened before. shouting at me "you're gaslighting me. i tell you jsut to do your own washing and you just don't do it. you constantly go against the system and put in the kids washing" i mean he shouted at me straight for 10 mins. i said nothign. then he said "oh you're just not going to respond. you're so immature" etc.

I am being unreasonable? I mean it's great that he wants to manage it but surely it's a bit insane to be shouted at for doing some washing. He said "you promised you wouldn't do this again. you're making me feel like i'm being ridiculous but you're messing with the system and doing whatever the fuck you want and then making me feel unreasonable for beign angry. just do yoru own fucking washing". I mean...i have promised to let him get on with it, but surely pissy smelly PJs sat stinking the place out. It seems so crazily OTT to me to be so angry

OP posts:
thepariscrimefiles · 20/09/2025 12:35

Calliopespa · 20/09/2025 11:58

I think he is taking the fact that you are putting the pyjama pants in with your wash as a veiled criticism that he isn't doing the children's washing to your satisfaction.

I would do the same as you and want them washed fast, BUT in all honesty op, it is clear from your post you think he isn't washing them soon enough, so yes, you are critical of his management of it.

I'm not saying you don't have some cause to be, but it tends to help in these arguments to be honest with yourself about what you are conveying.

Show quote history

So are you saying that OP's DH was justified in shouting at her for 10 minutes because putting the wee-soacked pyjamas in with her washing was a veiled criticism?

wantmorenow · 20/09/2025 12:35

AliasGrape · 20/09/2025 12:03

Oh for fuck’s sake I really do lose my patience with people who read about an angry man shouting at a woman for 10 minutes, in front of their child, because she did some washing of all things, and can find them in them to be all ‘well it was immature of you to ignore him’ or ‘well if you’d agreed he’d do the washing I can see ….’ Blah blah

The bar is literally in hell for these women.

@Pinktize No, of course no normal, non-abusive person would lose their tag like tbis and get this upset because someone put some pissy pyjamas in the wash. You husband isn’t even upset that you’ve put them in the wash - it’s just a stick to beat you with and an excuse to be abusive. He’s accusing you of gaslighting when that’s exactly what he’s doing, making you doubt and question yourself and wonder if he might have a point. Classic DARVO. Couldn’t be clearer. Your poor child having to be witness to that - does he shout and rant and rave a lot? Is it really, truly over just this one thing? Is your child anxious about it hence the wetting?

What do you need to do to get to a place where you can leave this angry, abusive man? How can you be supported in that?

Well said

Original poster
Pinktize · 20/09/2025 12:35

He has "his system" and thats it. He says im chaotic and clearly you do washing by person. And he does kids and his own. And I do my own and sheets and towels. There is no chatting about that. The only other option is I go back to doing it all.

I really do think im married to an arsehole. When he shouts like that I feel such shame and just kind of disbelief that this is happening and im tolerating it. It makes me feel like im going crazy.

OP posts:
ToutesetBonne · 20/09/2025 12:37

OP, you really need to leave. This man could be a risk to your's and the children's safety.

Calliopespa · 20/09/2025 12:37

Pinktize · 20/09/2025 12:20

He is taking it as criticism. I can see that. But the kids don't have any clean PJs and the kitchen smells of piss! I hardly think I've got some crazy high standards. I cpuld have told him to do it sooner and id be a nag. I literally wasnt thinking of anything more than "ah there is room for a couple more bits".

But yes the shouting is the issue. And in front of the kids. He doesnt shout loads. He used to. But less now. But when he does he could not care less if a kid can hear. I hate it!

I dont fancy him at all. Haven't for years. I have all my own income. I just feel so so guilty for leaving. But God mornings like this....I cant believe this is my life sometimes. Being told off and shouted at because I've done the laundry wrong. He gets really wound up if I buy random bits like some pineapple or something wr wouldn't usually have "when are yiu gonna eat that. No really tell me when you have ever or are ever going to eat that"

I just want to scream "just leave me alone"

You haven't got crazy standards op.

But the washing is too granular or microscopic an issue to fight this battle over.

He's got his reasons he feels that is justified - ones which aren't too convoluted to follow.

I think you need counselling if you want this marriage to work, You need a place to discuss the issues - the real issues, which are manifesting as arguments about the laundry - where he isn't going to be able to blow up.

Zempy · 20/09/2025 12:38

Is he controlling in other ways?

I couldn’t live like this. 💐

SirBasil · 20/09/2025 12:38

seriously, tell him that you need a better division of tasks.

Ask him if he smells the pissy clothes. My DH smells nearly nothing, i (according to rest of family) have a telescopic sense of smell.

who does the cooking, shopping, cleaning, kids appointments, lunches etc etc.

He shouldn't be shouting though. Next time tell him you are removing yourself from the scene until he can discuss things properly like an adult: then leave the room/house.

Calliopespa · 20/09/2025 12:39

I really do think im married to an arsehole. When he shouts like that I feel such shame and just kind of disbelief that this is happening and im tolerating it. It makes me feel like im going crazy.

That's what needs to be said to him in front of a counsellor.

Don't get into when pants need washing.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 20/09/2025 12:39

So what would happen if you said

’darling just in case you hadn’t spotted there are wee clothes in the laundry basket and just in case you didn’t know they’ll smell and rot if they’re not washed immediately.’
if it’s truly his job and he wants to do it properly then he would immediately sort it out.

but you could also not micromanage and see if he deals with the consequence ie buying a new laundry basket or cleaning this and buying new clothes if needs be and airing out the children’s rooms - having to sort out he consequences of his lazy efforts is what would make him change them.

it’s hard as you have to stop your standards.

however, whatever the situation, shouting at you for ten mins isn’t ok whatever happened and however frustrated he is - I think this maybe abusive or if he is otherwise ok then maybe you two need couples theorist to agree how you talk and communicate in a non toxic way, and you can discuss stuff like this in that space

diddl · 20/09/2025 12:39

So if you took back on all of the washing what would he do instead?

I'm guessing nothing as that was his take it or leave it ridiculous offer?

Washing by person!

Not only is he an arsehole he's ridiculous & abusive!

Endoftheroad12345 · 20/09/2025 12:39

Imisscoffee2021 · 20/09/2025 12:25

He's a prick. He has weaponised his incompetence by taking on one job (washing machine does most of the work anyway) and then not doing it efficiently enough, then behaving like a verbally abusive moron when you do some of the most pressing items.

He's gaslighting you into taking the job bscl, he washes his hands of the whole affair because YOU couldn't let him do it (it'll be your fault in his eyes or at least for his narrrative) and youre back at square one. He needs to do things ad hoc like most women do, you see a task you do a task, none of this my job your job. Its just a way to avoid the actual mental load by saying "his job" is kids clothes. It's like me who do the bins and that's it, don't think of any other chore no matter how visible.

Separately, I'm not sure I could come back from being shouted at for ten mins by my husband, over any matter let alone this one. His laziness needs addressed but so too does his method of communication. What does he want to happen after you've been yelled at that long?? Would he take being shouted at, would he want his kids shouted at for ten mins??

This

He’s a prick

Leave. My ex was like this about ridiculous stuff (groceries in particular) and had no compunction about shouting at me in front of the kids. It was horrible. Ended the marriage in 2022 and although being a single mum is hard it is not nearly as hard as living with a horrible prick. I also have a lovely partner now who would not dream of shouting at me for 10 seconds let alone 10 minutes.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 20/09/2025 12:40

Ps I just saw that you want to leave but feel too guilty. Ong just leave!!! Kids need happy parents not screaming they will be much less traumatized by a separation than screaming matches and numb upset mum and angry mess of a dad

MyDeftDuck · 20/09/2025 12:41

AgapanthusPink · 20/09/2025 11:49

As a job allocation this makes no sense. Surely you shove all the coloured washing in the washing machine when it needs doing, ditto the whites irrespective of who they belong to?

This.
Personally, I find the OP’s arrangement for their laundry a total farce! Anything soiled with wee/poo/vomit needs sluicing and washing asap rather than being left to stick the house out!
Get a grip OP and stop wasting detergent, energy, water……….think about the environment.

Tigerthatcametobrunch · 20/09/2025 12:42

Nothing to be done this weekend. Speak to a solicitor on Monday and start to understand the process to leave him. You are doing all the work at home, financially sorted, get this man out of your life, you'll be so much better off.

Don't talk to him about this anymore, you spoke to him about leaving a year ago, this was his chance to prove things could work.

Get your ducks in a row and then show him the door when you're ready.

ThrivingIn2025ing · 20/09/2025 12:42

Hate to say it but this is what (some) men do. Turn you into a nag. He said he’ll do it but doesn’t. You can’t do it because it’s “his” job so the only option is to nag him.
”X’s pyjamas need washing”
”X only has one clean pair left”
”Are you ok to put that wash on”

and then he’ll sigh and do it eventually. Like he’s a hero.

Doing it for him was always going to get his back up because you’re telling him he isn’t good enough (he isn’t).

I mean it depends OP. Is this the life you want? Too afraid to defend yourself because he is yelling at you in front of the kids? Or a perpetual nag? Made to act grateful when he eventually gets off his arse to do it.

wantmorenow · 20/09/2025 12:43

Good news OP. You know you're not unreasonable, you know he's useless and a bully and that you want out. Now let the MN hive mind help you figure out your next steps. Imagine another 10 years of this or imagine your own home with your kids which doesn't stink and is a haven and safe place where you don't get shouted at by a crazy man.

Tealpins · 20/09/2025 12:43

Jesus OP. None of this is normal or decent. No proper man and father thinks his contribution to the household is one fucking weird job. No proper man and father would think anything bar 'thanks' for you chucking in pissy PJs. No normal decent man would shout at you for this. No normal man would fucking analyse your pineapple purchases.

In a normal house, my DH does all the washing and most cooking. I do cleaning and some kids ironing. I am pleased if he takes a notion and does hoovering. He's pleased if I take a notion and put a white wash on.

I would leave this fucking mess of a man. Who needs any of this shit? Not you, not your kids. Fuck him and his failure to be a grown adult man.

thepariscrimefiles · 20/09/2025 12:43

Pinktize · 20/09/2025 12:35

He has "his system" and thats it. He says im chaotic and clearly you do washing by person. And he does kids and his own. And I do my own and sheets and towels. There is no chatting about that. The only other option is I go back to doing it all.

I really do think im married to an arsehole. When he shouts like that I feel such shame and just kind of disbelief that this is happening and im tolerating it. It makes me feel like im going crazy.

He is an arsehole and I think that you should leave him. He is mean and petty and a really really shit husband. I also think that he is probably a terrible father and your children will be learning to walk on eggshells to avoid triggering the sort of rants that you experienced for washing some pyjamas.

MyIvyGrows · 20/09/2025 12:44

I had a similar situation and I’m divorced now, fyi

AdoraBell · 20/09/2025 12:44

YANBU. Shouting at you is wrong, it’s controlling you. How would he react if you shout back?

Starlingsintheloft · 20/09/2025 12:45

Oh op I’m sorry you’re going through this. He sounds like a controlling bully with the laundry and the pineapple. It sounds like he enjoys shouting at you too which is so sad. If you did my laundry I’d be grateful.

Northquit · 20/09/2025 12:45

Pinktize · 20/09/2025 12:02

@NomoneyNoprospects i have tried. his attitude is 'i will do it entirely and you laeve it alone or i wont' do it at all'.

Leave him.
This much drama is not healthy over the washing.
Does he vac or dust or clean loos?

Northquit · 20/09/2025 12:45

Pinktize · 20/09/2025 12:02

@NomoneyNoprospects i have tried. his attitude is 'i will do it entirely and you laeve it alone or i wont' do it at all'.

Leave him.
This much drama is not healthy over the washing.
Does he vac or dust or clean loos?

OrangeSlices998 · 20/09/2025 12:46

YANBU OP. It’s insanity to shout at someone that long because they put something in the wash. As others have said he’s obviously inferred from you washing them that it’s criticism, rather than common sense to wash something that needs washing such as urine soaked PJ’s. If you’d just gone and got half a load to prove a point it still wouldn’t be normal or nice for him to shout but I’d understand the frustration.

I think you’ve got bigger issues here though than who does the washing. Is he a nice man generally? I’m thinking no? Surely you’re a team and work together to get tasks done?

OriginalUsername2 · 20/09/2025 12:47

Pinktize · 20/09/2025 11:57

@olderbutwiser indeed we do. indeed we do.

i just wanted to understand if others would find it as frustrating as he clearly does. that if you have a 'my job' in the house - would it make you crazy mad if your other half stepped in occassionally? do others just prefer to have jobs that they do without anyone getting involved

the issue is i am not desparate to do laundry. but i feel like i'm losing my mind to live in a house where i can small pissy clothes and not be allowed to put them in a washing machien. i mean - what the hell?

He sounds like a petulant teenager.

I refuse to argue over housework too. It’s just so boring and mundane. Sometimes DP gets in a tizzy because “someone” (his past self) has moved his towel. I literally say “I’m not arguing about towels.” and refuse to engage.