Being shouted at over the washing

[Pinktize]

Last year, DH and I nearly split up. One of the things that came up was lack of help round the house (we both work full time). He said "fine, I'll do all the kids washing". And now that's his thing - he does the kids washing.

But he is now getting v angry about me putting kids clothes in the washing machine. So our youngest is having lots of accidents at the moment, and it means PJs smell of wee being left in the washing basket for days. This morning - I was doing some of my washing and shoved in some smelly PJs that were sat by the machine. He came down and said "oh you put a wash on. just your clothes right?" - i replied "oh, i put in some smelly DS clothes" and he goes mad. this has happened before. shouting at me "you're gaslighting me. i tell you jsut to do your own washing and you just don't do it. you constantly go against the system and put in the kids washing" i mean he shouted at me straight for 10 mins. i said nothign. then he said "oh you're just not going to respond. you're so immature" etc.

I am being unreasonable? I mean it's great that he wants to manage it but surely it's a bit insane to be shouted at for doing some washing. He said "you promised you wouldn't do this again. you're making me feel like i'm being ridiculous but you're messing with the system and doing whatever the fuck you want and then making me feel unreasonable for beign angry. just do yoru own fucking washing". I mean...i have promised to let him get on with it, but surely pissy smelly PJs sat stinking the place out. It seems so crazily OTT to me to be so angry

He doesn’t get to choose to keep the marriage but also to have piss soaked clothes lying around and the kids have no pjs. Just say I don’t think this is working, I want to live in a house where clothes with wee on them get washed and I don’t get yelled at. I notice he didn’t take on something more accountable like cooking dinner. Divorce him, weather the storm, and live in peace once you’ve got through it.

I assume he does the whole of the laundry cycle for him and the kids (so washing, drying, putting away) rather than just putting it in the machine? I can see that makes sense as a way to separate it out, but not to scream at you for including a few smelly pjs in your wash. Your sense of self-respect, boundaries and what is normal get eroded over time. Being shouted at for 10 minutes is not something you should be ok with.

It's scary for children to live with an explosive, shouty parent. It's scary for you to live with it, but it really shapes children's responses to things.

Divorce is horrible and it is hard for children to grow up with two homes, particularlybif one of the parents is angry and controlling. But I'm not sure it's worse than all of you living with this forever. You do get through divorce and get to live with some peace and quiet.

I'd suggest going to see a counsellor. Talk through what you want. Talk through the dynamics of your relationship. Work out if you want to try to change those dynamics and if it seems possible. Get your friends and family on board with what you're trying to do because when you are being criticised it helps to have people reminding you of the reality.

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He shouldn't be shouting at you, no matter what the issue. He's creating a climate of fear and that's the mark of a controlling man. He's trying to control you through fear.

However, I would put the pissy pyjamas in a bucket of soapy water and leave them to him.

Truth hurts doesn't it. You sticking up for a man who treats his wife so poorly says more about you than me. I wonder if either of you knows what soap looks like? Do you have a soft palete?

She should tell him I want a clean man not a dirty man. This is something the op needs to think about although op sounds like a good woman and mother "people judge on the company you keep around you". Ops husband doesn't know how to clean or behave does she want a person like that around her. What does the outside world see when they are together. People don't need to be in your home to know it's a disaster.

I'd have shoved them in the washing too, no one wants a house that smells like pee. He so very unreasonable. Do you get along at all?

Cleanliness matters more. Thanks for pointing out my ND. Are you sure you are not ops husband? The question was asked before and I don't think you answered it.

Why does some people love to argue over mess and dirt. Then again the properties that my partner has had to enter over the years and they ask him to take off his shoes, and it's a shit hole, it begs belief. I am not surprised this poster is arguing with me.

Your marriage is in a bad way, OP. Getting mumsnetters to agree DH is in the wrong won’t help. Counselling or anger management might.

Then please quote where I have supported the OPs husband, because in my post it makes it very clear that his 10 minute rant was not acceptable whatsoever.

It's like you're being rude to me for no reason whatsoever hence me questioning if you had actually correctly read what I'd written.

With respect, being diagnosed yourself does not make you an expert - it may give some insights, but stating with such certainty that his man is autistic is wrong. And dangerous.

I have worked with a number of women whose abusive husbands claimed to be autistic and used it as an excuse for truly shitty behaviour. It made is much harder on their partners.

It's not respectful to twist someones words and put words in their mouth.
First you said I'm uninformed, I pointed out I am informed, now you are acting like I made out to be an expert when I did no such thing.

If you go back and read my posts I made it clear originally that it doesn't make difference to the OP whether he is or not, but it does seem like he is likely to be autistic.

His maladaptive coping mechanisms are not her concern or job to accept, but sometimes it can help to know more about what's going on for someone.