Being shouted at over the washing

[Pinktize]

Last year, DH and I nearly split up. One of the things that came up was lack of help round the house (we both work full time). He said "fine, I'll do all the kids washing". And now that's his thing - he does the kids washing.

But he is now getting v angry about me putting kids clothes in the washing machine. So our youngest is having lots of accidents at the moment, and it means PJs smell of wee being left in the washing basket for days. This morning - I was doing some of my washing and shoved in some smelly PJs that were sat by the machine. He came down and said "oh you put a wash on. just your clothes right?" - i replied "oh, i put in some smelly DS clothes" and he goes mad. this has happened before. shouting at me "you're gaslighting me. i tell you jsut to do your own washing and you just don't do it. you constantly go against the system and put in the kids washing" i mean he shouted at me straight for 10 mins. i said nothign. then he said "oh you're just not going to respond. you're so immature" etc.

I am being unreasonable? I mean it's great that he wants to manage it but surely it's a bit insane to be shouted at for doing some washing. He said "you promised you wouldn't do this again. you're making me feel like i'm being ridiculous but you're messing with the system and doing whatever the fuck you want and then making me feel unreasonable for beign angry. just do yoru own fucking washing". I mean...i have promised to let him get on with it, but surely pissy smelly PJs sat stinking the place out. It seems so crazily OTT to me to be so angry

It’ll seem such a small issue for you, you’re like me, if it needs doing, just do it, no big deal. But he’ll see it as a criticism, you’re doing it as you think he’s incapable or that he’d do it wrong. I understand what he feels. However, I can’t understand his reaction to it.

My mum had a similar talk with my dad when he retired, he now has certain things that are his to do. He’s comfortable with his assigned tasks, he’s in control and he knows when to do it. If my mum does anything that’s his, he feels she’s criticising him and gets frustrated. She doesn’t see it as an issue. They’re forever clashing heads… what never happens is a full blown melt down by an adult man. That’s unacceptable.

You say lack of help around the house, but he's now cherry picking jobs around the kids, whereas you are presumably doing things for him? Why isn't he doing ALL the washing? I assume you are cleaning the house HE lives in, cooking the food HE eats?

He's still got it easy, is doing a bad job at it, and getting angry and defensive about it to boot. What a prick.

How is doing the kids washing - i.e. just gathering up and shoving it into a machine - a decent share of household effort?
Does he deign to iron any of it?

Just doing the kids washing in itself is odd, surely all washing goes in together?

Shouting like that is never acceptable, I’d take a good look at whether you want to stay in this relationship OP.

Sounds horrible. I can’t imagine my husband shouting at me for anything at all, let alone something so utterly trivial. .

If his job is to do washing, why not just do everyone’s?

This is abusive OP.

Why can’t he do all the washing? Take on the households laundry rather than just the kids? It doesn’t seem like he’s helping out much if you’re still doing your own. DH foes all the laundry and he would never leave urgent washing lying about.

The shouting is unacceptable. I wouldn’t tolerate that especially over something so trivial. It sounds like he’s looking for reasons to get angry!

He's definitely looking for reasons.

Do you want to stay with him op?

It must be awful to live like that OP. Shouted at for 10 mins over a pair of pjs. Life doesn't need to be like this

Under no circumstances would I discuss this with a partner. If he's a reasonably intelligent human being who can hold down a job, then he sure as hell can figure out a laundry system that involves clean clothes being available and pissy smells in the house. It's nothing more than strategic incompetence.

Two possibilities:

he wants you to take back the task so that he does not have to do it

he is utterly ridiculous.

And if that is the only household task he does, you are being shafted. Putting a few washes on is a very small fraction of the household labour, especially in a home that includes children.

He is a bully. Your dc sees you being bullied. They are learning from you it's fine to be bullied. And from their df it's ok to be a fucking bully.
Leave him. Your dc needs you to desperately to become a fully functioning adult.. Or their mh will be shot to pieces..

This! I can’t imagine how separating by person is practical

He is taking it as criticism. I can see that. But the kids don't have any clean PJs and the kitchen smells of piss! I hardly think I've got some crazy high standards. I cpuld have told him to do it sooner and id be a nag. I literally wasnt thinking of anything more than "ah there is room for a couple more bits".

But yes the shouting is the issue. And in front of the kids. He doesnt shout loads. He used to. But less now. But when he does he could not care less if a kid can hear. I hate it!

I dont fancy him at all. Haven't for years. I have all my own income. I just feel so so guilty for leaving. But God mornings like this....I cant believe this is my life sometimes. Being told off and shouted at because I've done the laundry wrong. He gets really wound up if I buy random bits like some pineapple or something wr wouldn't usually have "when are yiu gonna eat that. No really tell me when you have ever or are ever going to eat that"

I just want to scream "just leave me alone"

Dear god woman, get out then. What's to feel guilty about. It's doing your kids a massive favour to remove them from an abusive environment where they witness their Dad ranting and raving at their Mum.

He's a prick. He has weaponised his incompetence by taking on one job (washing machine does most of the work anyway) and then not doing it efficiently enough, then behaving like a verbally abusive moron when you do some of the most pressing items.

He's gaslighting you into taking the job bscl, he washes his hands of the whole affair because YOU couldn't let him do it (it'll be your fault in his eyes or at least for his narrrative) and youre back at square one. He needs to do things ad hoc like most women do, you see a task you do a task, none of this my job your job. Its just a way to avoid the actual mental load by saying "his job" is kids clothes. It's like me who do the bins and that's it, don't think of any other chore no matter how visible.

Separately, I'm not sure I could come back from being shouted at for ten mins by my husband, over any matter let alone this one. His laziness needs addressed but so too does his method of communication. What does he want to happen after you've been yelled at that long?? Would he take being shouted at, would he want his kids shouted at for ten mins??

Oh jesus christ. Tell him to grow the fuck up or fuck off whichever suits him.
Such an immature attitude, if a job wants doing just fucking do it.

He sounds awful but this ridiculous division of laundry is obviously not working. I’ve never heard of such a silly and pointless arrangement.

leave it then. I mean, you get used to the smell of wee (can't he smell it) and then when the kids have no clean pjs (they can sleep in a tshirt and pants) you can just ... let him get on with it.

If the pissy clothes really smell, put them somewhere else, and tell him you have done it.

Frankly? he is supposed to be doing his share of the housework (not "helping" you) the my job/your job division doesn't work for things that need to be done in a timely manner, so you need to rethink. But you also need to let it collapse and let him solve it. It will only take a week or so.

But. In true mn tradition: he's a twit. You can have a better life (either he properly steps up, or he ships out for example)

He’s a DARVO guy. What is really happening is that when you put the washing in, it’s a reminder to him that he has failed in his one household job. This makes him cross so he berates you for ‘criticising’ and ‘undermining’ him. If he can get that angry about some pissy pjs then you’re better off without him. He just doesn’t like the idea of a woman telling him what to do and when to do it. Even though you’re not. You’re just hncomplainingly doing a job that needs doing.

He sounds like an utter nightmare and him shouting at your for 10 minutes because you put some wee-soaked pyjamas in the wash that you were doing is abusive.

You can't get your head round it because he is being totally unreasonable. Anybody normal would immediately wash clothes that are wet or dirty due to a small child having an accident. You haven't done anything wrong.

If just doing the children's washing is his only contribution when you both work full time, he's taking the absolute piss.

Do you really want to be married to a man like this?

So, basically he grudgingly took on ONE task because you had to point out he wasn't doing his fair share, and instead of just happily getting on with it like a normal person (and being grateful that you're doing all the rest), he's venting his resentment by pretending to gatekeep his special task and acting outraged that you could dare step on his toes about it? Obviously what's really going on is that he's been waiting for an excuse to shout at you about it, in the hope that either you'll believe he's justifiably angry and accept him ditching it, or that you'll think it will be less unpleasant if you just volunteer to go back to doing it all yourself in order to avoid getting shouted at. What an arsehole.

The whole thing seems crazy to me. Why separate washing into different loads depending on who wears those particular clothes? Why make extra hassle?Surely most households put together into the machine or the handwash whatever clothes need washing at that temperature (allowing for whites/darks/coloureds) regardless of who wears the clothes.

He knows he's not doing the job properly or in a timely fashion so he is taking your action as a direct insult, which he should he should be ashamed of being incompetent and leaving pissy soaked clothing arpund the house BUT he should not be taking that out on you, definitely not shouting at your for 10 mins about his inadequate behaviour.
I would revise the Chores since he won't do it right for his own children and leave him to wash his own clothes, cook his own food and anything else that impacts him and him alone.

Im sorry you married a useless and abuse twat.

Leave him. My goodness he's turned what was supposed to be a 'help' into a weapon. This is, in a way, worse than before when you resented him for not doing enough (been there. I get it). Now he's got a 'thing' he does he weaponises it to make you look unreasonable. Leave him. He's an arsehole and this isn't getting better.