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Original poster

Being shouted at over the washing

264 replies

Pinktize · 20/09/2025 11:43

Last year, DH and I nearly split up. One of the things that came up was lack of help round the house (we both work full time). He said "fine, I'll do all the kids washing". And now that's his thing - he does the kids washing.

But he is now getting v angry about me putting kids clothes in the washing machine. So our youngest is having lots of accidents at the moment, and it means PJs smell of wee being left in the washing basket for days. This morning - I was doing some of my washing and shoved in some smelly PJs that were sat by the machine. He came down and said "oh you put a wash on. just your clothes right?" - i replied "oh, i put in some smelly DS clothes" and he goes mad. this has happened before. shouting at me "you're gaslighting me. i tell you jsut to do your own washing and you just don't do it. you constantly go against the system and put in the kids washing" i mean he shouted at me straight for 10 mins. i said nothign. then he said "oh you're just not going to respond. you're so immature" etc.

I am being unreasonable? I mean it's great that he wants to manage it but surely it's a bit insane to be shouted at for doing some washing. He said "you promised you wouldn't do this again. you're making me feel like i'm being ridiculous but you're messing with the system and doing whatever the fuck you want and then making me feel unreasonable for beign angry. just do yoru own fucking washing". I mean...i have promised to let him get on with it, but surely pissy smelly PJs sat stinking the place out. It seems so crazily OTT to me to be so angry

OP posts:
BigBirdOfPrey · 20/09/2025 12:52

He’s got problems

MusicalCarbuncle · 20/09/2025 12:52

I also had one like this and he also used to get irrationally angry about the washing machine. So strange. Anyway I left him, and life is much nicer now.

allthedragons · 20/09/2025 12:54

The only thing you're unreasonable about here is not following through with last year's 'nearly split'.

Life's too short to be screamed at

💐

LEWWW · 20/09/2025 12:57

Ermm what about you tell him his job is all the washing instead of being selective, he’s an arsehole and has used the guise of ‘helping’ to try and one up you, bet you don’t have that many clothes to wash so why can’t he just do all the washing, madness…

Purplebunnie · 20/09/2025 12:58

Pinktize · 20/09/2025 11:53

so his argument is that 'well, if you say i don't do enough around the house - then i'll do the kids washing. that is my job. you don't worry about it anymore'. GREAT. But then if there are smelly kids clothes all over the place, or the kids don't have enough clothese - I will shove a load in. And then he goes mad. I proabbly did say last time he went mad 'ok ok, i won't do it again. i'll leave the whole thing to you'. and then of course i've done it again this mornign and he is shouting saying 'you just lie. you do what the fuck you lke. you're choatic and you just don't do as i say and as we agreed before. if you were a man - people would say you're being unreasonable, unhelpful. but because you're a woman you're going to say i'm the horrible one for shouting' etc etc.

I didn't ignore him in a horrible way. But he's shouting in front of our young child who is watchign telly so i'm trying to ensure it finishes as quickliy as possible and me sticking up for myself will prolong the argument. i just let him rant.

"and he is shouting saying 'you just lie. you do what the fuck you lke. you're choatic and you just don't do as i say "

Sorry you are not doing just as he says. I'd be gone

YourDandyPlumBeaker · 20/09/2025 13:03

I'd split up with him tbh. You shouldn't have to live your life under that kind of stress.

Gamerlady · 20/09/2025 13:03

He sounds a dick shouting, all that over washing . He's the immature one not you! Do yours and the kids washing and let him sort himself out.

Ladywindermeresbucket · 20/09/2025 13:06

lessee167 · 20/09/2025 12:19

This! I can’t imagine how separating by person is practical

Show quote history

Agreed,

If the pj's are stinky put them in a plastic bag and put that in the laundry basket.

But I agree with others that your problem isn't really about laundry.

Shedmistress · 20/09/2025 13:07

If there are pissy kids clothes still there when you are going to do your wash, he hasn't done the kids washing so it's his fault for not being on top of things.

But honestly, it sounds shit and no kids need to hear this. He is a bully and an abuser.

BustyLaRoux · 20/09/2025 13:07
  1. shouting at someone for ten mins over some washing is not ok. Your DH sounds like an aggressive bully.
  2. agreeing to take on some household chores is not “helping”. It is his house too. They are his children too. This kind of rhetoric boils my piss!
  3. i would hazard a guess that he sees you doing “his job” as a passive aggressive way of saying he’s not doing it properly so you’ve had to intervene. Men (sorry menfolk, I know you’re not all like this!) extremely sensitive to perceived criticism. My DP is autistic and he would see something like this as a passive aggressive indirect criticism of him and it would make him have a massive emotional reaction.
  4. you on the other hand have done the pissy PJs because it was practical to do so as you were putting on a wash anyway. He doesn’t see it like that. Accusation of “interfering with the the system” most likely means “insinuating I’m useless and not able to do my chores to your satisfaction!”
  5. I think the chores chosen (he washes the kids clothes) was an impractical suggestion. Who separates out washing into who it belongs to?! Surely you put on a load of darks regardless of whose they are. It makes no sense to split one load of washing into two smaller loads just so someone can say they did their job! Not good for environment or your energy bills. And really it’s no extra bother to wash the kids clothes if you were doing the washing anyway. So it’s not really saving you any time! Choose a different job. Like folding the washing. You do all the washing and he hangs it out and folds it and puts it away. Or he does the hoovering, or cleans the bathrooms. A whole job in itself. Otherwise you’re left trying to split one job into two. It’s like saying I’ll hoover my crumbs, but he can hoover up the kids crumbs. You’d spend more time going round the floor trying not to accidentally hoover “his bits” when you’d be better to just hoover the whole room.
  6. he doesn’t sound very nice! Doesn’t do his fair share and then screams at you when you (kindly) do “his job” for him. Is there more going here? Because from what you e described he sounds a bit shit!
Featherweighted · 20/09/2025 13:07

AgapanthusPink · 20/09/2025 11:49

As a job allocation this makes no sense. Surely you shove all the coloured washing in the washing machine when it needs doing, ditto the whites irrespective of who they belong to?

Sums it up.

Doingmybest12 · 20/09/2025 13:07

Foolsgold74 · 20/09/2025 12:17

Under no circumstances would I discuss this with a partner. If he's a reasonably intelligent human being who can hold down a job, then he sure as hell can figure out a laundry system that involves clean clothes being available and pissy smells in the house. It's nothing more than strategic incompetence.

Show quote history

I agree it shouldn't need a conversation but unless op is planning her exit from the relationship or is willing to put up with the chosen hopelessness and leave smelly clothes around the place then how will it move on.

Twistedfirestarters · 20/09/2025 13:11

I reckon he's doing it on purpose. He's weaponising this task. He's making it a source of stress on purpose so you crack and choose the 'he doesn't do it' option. He can then claim that him not doing anything is actually your fault

Youtoldmeonce · 20/09/2025 13:12

To solve the smelly PJs etc buy red laundry bags

Being shouted at over the washing
Trendyname · 20/09/2025 13:13

YodasHairyButt · 20/09/2025 11:45

Shouting at someone for 10 minutes is never acceptable.

I agree but here it seems there’s a lot more to it.

At the surface he shouted at her for 10 minutes but no one gets angry for the other person to do finish their house chore unless there is more to it. If you do my chore, I will be more than happy, I would only get upset if you had been blaming me for not doing mine and then taking over my tasks.

Looking at the way op responded with mocking him, it seems like op has a lot of contempt for her h.

H - "oh you put a wash on. just your clothes right?"
Op- "oh, i put in some smelly DS clothes"

why op mimicked her husband when she responded. Was she trying to prove a point. She could have told him normally that clothes were smelling and she put them in wash too. Rather than - mimicking.

Then her H says - "you're gaslighting me. i tell you jsut to do your own washing and you just don't do it. you constantly go against the system and put in the kids washing"

op stays silent - which is stonewalling
H responds in ranting.
It seems like op criticises her husband for not doing enough but also does not like his way of handling his jobs, and then do it herself and don’t even tell him her reasons.

I have only read op, but from if she comes across passive aggressive and condescending towards her H and it seems like he is not emotionally handling it well. It could be that op is frustrated with her H not doing his job right away but the communication style is poor and comes across scoring points not like in a team.

I would have said the same if roles were reversed. It happens a lot in relationship conflicts- one side is critical and stonewalls, other side complains and rants. And things never get resolved because it is a very dysfunctional communication style and only breeds more resentment.

ohfourfoxache · 20/09/2025 13:15

You ARE married to an arsehole

That’s the fundamental problem here

Fix it and LTB

Jolenepleasetakeawaymyman · 20/09/2025 13:21

Trendyname · 20/09/2025 13:13

I agree but here it seems there’s a lot more to it.

At the surface he shouted at her for 10 minutes but no one gets angry for the other person to do finish their house chore unless there is more to it. If you do my chore, I will be more than happy, I would only get upset if you had been blaming me for not doing mine and then taking over my tasks.

Looking at the way op responded with mocking him, it seems like op has a lot of contempt for her h.

H - "oh you put a wash on. just your clothes right?"
Op- "oh, i put in some smelly DS clothes"

why op mimicked her husband when she responded. Was she trying to prove a point. She could have told him normally that clothes were smelling and she put them in wash too. Rather than - mimicking.

Then her H says - "you're gaslighting me. i tell you jsut to do your own washing and you just don't do it. you constantly go against the system and put in the kids washing"

op stays silent - which is stonewalling
H responds in ranting.
It seems like op criticises her husband for not doing enough but also does not like his way of handling his jobs, and then do it herself and don’t even tell him her reasons.

I have only read op, but from if she comes across passive aggressive and condescending towards her H and it seems like he is not emotionally handling it well. It could be that op is frustrated with her H not doing his job right away but the communication style is poor and comes across scoring points not like in a team.

I would have said the same if roles were reversed. It happens a lot in relationship conflicts- one side is critical and stonewalls, other side complains and rants. And things never get resolved because it is a very dysfunctional communication style and only breeds more resentment.

Show quote history

Are you OP’s husband?

BustyLaRoux · 20/09/2025 13:22

BustyLaRoux · 20/09/2025 13:07

  1. shouting at someone for ten mins over some washing is not ok. Your DH sounds like an aggressive bully.
  2. agreeing to take on some household chores is not “helping”. It is his house too. They are his children too. This kind of rhetoric boils my piss!
  3. i would hazard a guess that he sees you doing “his job” as a passive aggressive way of saying he’s not doing it properly so you’ve had to intervene. Men (sorry menfolk, I know you’re not all like this!) extremely sensitive to perceived criticism. My DP is autistic and he would see something like this as a passive aggressive indirect criticism of him and it would make him have a massive emotional reaction.
  4. you on the other hand have done the pissy PJs because it was practical to do so as you were putting on a wash anyway. He doesn’t see it like that. Accusation of “interfering with the the system” most likely means “insinuating I’m useless and not able to do my chores to your satisfaction!”
  5. I think the chores chosen (he washes the kids clothes) was an impractical suggestion. Who separates out washing into who it belongs to?! Surely you put on a load of darks regardless of whose they are. It makes no sense to split one load of washing into two smaller loads just so someone can say they did their job! Not good for environment or your energy bills. And really it’s no extra bother to wash the kids clothes if you were doing the washing anyway. So it’s not really saving you any time! Choose a different job. Like folding the washing. You do all the washing and he hangs it out and folds it and puts it away. Or he does the hoovering, or cleans the bathrooms. A whole job in itself. Otherwise you’re left trying to split one job into two. It’s like saying I’ll hoover my crumbs, but he can hoover up the kids crumbs. You’d spend more time going round the floor trying not to accidentally hoover “his bits” when you’d be better to just hoover the whole room.
  6. he doesn’t sound very nice! Doesn’t do his fair share and then screams at you when you (kindly) do “his job” for him. Is there more going here? Because from what you e described he sounds a bit shit!

Ah sorry @Pinktize i hadn’t read all your updates. It doesn’t sound like this is a good partnership. I think you should consider whether there is anything left worth salvaging. It isn’t normal to have someone scream at you like that and will be upsetting to your children.
My DP and I have decided to stop living together. It’s saved our relationship but we are older than you and I appreciate our set up is a little unconventional. Also, although he can be an utter asshole, there was enough good left in our relationship to try and do something drastic to see if it would work.
Your description of your DH reminds me a little of my DP. (Though my DP does a good amount of chores! But given the amount of mess he makes, the chore : mess ratio still meant I was having to clean up after him and his children far more than I should have done! And it was something he was aware irritated me, so whenever I cleaned up after him he would fly into a rage and tell me to leave it!!!! Basically it made him feel bad / criticised. Whereas I just wanted not to be living in mess! Yes, I would rather he had got to it before me, but he hadn’t. So I would prefer to clean it myself than have to look at it. He saw that as criticism. I saw it as practical.
I think if you’ve come close to splitting up and this is where you’ve got to now (ten minutes of shouting at you for doing some washing) then perhaps the universe is telling you it can’t be saved, sadly.

SilverCamellia · 20/09/2025 13:23

Does he do their washing, ironing and putting it away or does he just do the washing? I have never heard of splitting washing like that. If he wants to be helpful why doesn't he just do all the washing?

NotbloodyGivingupYet · 20/09/2025 13:24

Leaving is the right thing to do OP, for your kids' sake.
What they are witnessing is damaging them.

Nanny0gg · 20/09/2025 13:25

Pinktize · 20/09/2025 11:55

he ended saying 'you either leave it alone. or i wont' do the washing anymore. you decide'. he only thinks he's being reasonable. i can't get my head round it.

Why do you divide the washing?

Surely that's wasteful?

And if he treated me like that I wouldn't be doing his or anything else for him

user892734543544 · 20/09/2025 13:27

This isn't about washing. You don't like each other. That's the problem.

Ratafia · 20/09/2025 13:27

Pinktize · 20/09/2025 12:01

i really am not being critical. i don't think i am. we both work hard during the week and PJs getting left for days is fine. i literally just grabbed some PJs that were shoved next to the machine. i wasn't trying to swoop in or be critical. clearly that is how he's taken it. but does it not feel mad to be putting a wash on and to be able to smell pissy clothes next to me and not just put them in? i know it's not a huge deal but it makes me feel like i'm living in some sort of weird regime.

Surely the answer is that, if he's going to take on the kids' washing, he needs to do it properly? That must mean ensuring there is always a reasonable supply of spares, and smelly stuff isn't left around for too long.

So this entire issue can be resolved by him putting in one or two extra washes per week.

user1492757084 · 20/09/2025 13:29

DH should not be shouting.
No household task is more precious than the inhabitants.

Can you suggest having a bucket full of water and Napisan in the laundry in which to soak wee pants before he's ready to put them in the washing machine?

Tealpins · 20/09/2025 13:31

Trendyname · 20/09/2025 13:13

I agree but here it seems there’s a lot more to it.

At the surface he shouted at her for 10 minutes but no one gets angry for the other person to do finish their house chore unless there is more to it. If you do my chore, I will be more than happy, I would only get upset if you had been blaming me for not doing mine and then taking over my tasks.

Looking at the way op responded with mocking him, it seems like op has a lot of contempt for her h.

H - "oh you put a wash on. just your clothes right?"
Op- "oh, i put in some smelly DS clothes"

why op mimicked her husband when she responded. Was she trying to prove a point. She could have told him normally that clothes were smelling and she put them in wash too. Rather than - mimicking.

Then her H says - "you're gaslighting me. i tell you jsut to do your own washing and you just don't do it. you constantly go against the system and put in the kids washing"

op stays silent - which is stonewalling
H responds in ranting.
It seems like op criticises her husband for not doing enough but also does not like his way of handling his jobs, and then do it herself and don’t even tell him her reasons.

I have only read op, but from if she comes across passive aggressive and condescending towards her H and it seems like he is not emotionally handling it well. It could be that op is frustrated with her H not doing his job right away but the communication style is poor and comes across scoring points not like in a team.

I would have said the same if roles were reversed. It happens a lot in relationship conflicts- one side is critical and stonewalls, other side complains and rants. And things never get resolved because it is a very dysfunctional communication style and only breeds more resentment.

Show quote history

What the fuck is wrong with you?

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