Being shouted at over the washing

[Pinktize]

Last year, DH and I nearly split up. One of the things that came up was lack of help round the house (we both work full time). He said "fine, I'll do all the kids washing". And now that's his thing - he does the kids washing.

But he is now getting v angry about me putting kids clothes in the washing machine. So our youngest is having lots of accidents at the moment, and it means PJs smell of wee being left in the washing basket for days. This morning - I was doing some of my washing and shoved in some smelly PJs that were sat by the machine. He came down and said "oh you put a wash on. just your clothes right?" - i replied "oh, i put in some smelly DS clothes" and he goes mad. this has happened before. shouting at me "you're gaslighting me. i tell you jsut to do your own washing and you just don't do it. you constantly go against the system and put in the kids washing" i mean he shouted at me straight for 10 mins. i said nothign. then he said "oh you're just not going to respond. you're so immature" etc.

I am being unreasonable? I mean it's great that he wants to manage it but surely it's a bit insane to be shouted at for doing some washing. He said "you promised you wouldn't do this again. you're making me feel like i'm being ridiculous but you're messing with the system and doing whatever the fuck you want and then making me feel unreasonable for beign angry. just do yoru own fucking washing". I mean...i have promised to let him get on with it, but surely pissy smelly PJs sat stinking the place out. It seems so crazily OTT to me to be so angry

The being so upset that you feel you can’t leave him is manipulation. Does he shout and rant at his boss or anyone else apart from you? If not, he is doing it deliberately.

It doesn’t matter how upset he will be, as he’s going to be horrible whether you live with him or not. He won’t change, but at least you’d be free of his nastiness towards you if you left him.

So you're going to stay with him forever and subject the children to a childhood of abuse and fear because you're scared of him having a tantrum? Or do you mean that he will become violent?

You just need to be strategic about this and make sure the children are protected from his meltdowns. Ask a family member to look after them for the day and have another family member or friend with you when you tell him. Have your exit strategy worked out. It might be that you need to leave the house temporarily if you think he won't leave, so get your and the kid's stuff out first before you tell him. Or pack a bag for him so he can leave right away.

You may need to involve Women's Aid and the police in order to get away from him safely.

he 'begs' you not to split up, but keeps acting like this? he's a fool. & the sooner you leave him the better for you (& the children)

i note that in an effort to prove his usefulness, he decided to take on ONE (fairly small) household task, and also decided that this meant just the kids' clothes - he doesn't even wash their bedding, but leaves that to you to do?!

when you live in separate houses he might end up gaining a better idea of the work that's actually involved in looking after the dc!

Earlier this year. He did counselling becsuse he doesnt want to split up. He is desperate not to split up

He isn't 'sensitive', you are. So he plays you like a fiddle by metaphorically (or literally) turning on the waterworks when he doesn't get everything and have anything the way he exactly wants it.

Of course he doesn't want to split up. He's got a cushy life that he expects you to go on facilitating. He sure as hell doesn't want to have to take any responsibilty for looking after himsef, that's your job.

But if you see how upset he gets - and it was upset - v v emotional- about laundry, imagine what he would be like over divorce. I've seen a glimmer of it earlier this year and it wss not pretty.

Not Your Problem. He's a grown ass man. Has it occurred to you that they are crocodile tears and unicorn emotions to make sure you get back in your box?

You can't stay in a toxic marriage with an abusive yet needy husband just because he is desperate not to split up. I presume he has an easy life with you as the only household chore he does is the children's washing and he can verbally abuse you by shouting at your for 10 minutes with no negative consequences for him.

He will be utterly dreadful over divorce but that still doesn't mean that you should stay together. Seek advice from DA charities like Women's Aid and Rights of Women about how to leave an abusive partner.

Op, you don’t have to get his permission to split up. You don’t even have to tell him. It’s your decision, not his. I’m not sure how much external help you’ve had so far, but this is a good start: https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/

He doesn't want to split up because he's got everything his own way and, unsurprisingly, doesn't want to change the status quo.

Never mind what he wants.
What do YOU want?

The threats and appalling behaviour - which will obviously ramp up should you divorce him - are common threats levelled at women by abusive men.

That's no reason to stay. Divorce is always horrible, but staying in a shite marriage is worse.

I know it triggers people on here to say it, but clearly your husband is on the spectrum!
The need for rules, nervous about changes, anxiety about going away, unless there's some other explanation he's likely to be autistic. Not that it makes a difference to you, but that is why.

He sounds unhinged OP. Screaming for 10 minutes?! Does he often do that?

Why is h leaving pissy clothes around? They should go straight into the machine.

Had your child started wetting again because they sense the tension and stress, and are subjected to the screaming?

OP, you have one life. Do you really want to spend it being treated like dirt?

Also, as you already know, your kids are learning to put up with abusive behaviour because they see you doing it.

Your partner is horrible. You don't owe him anything. Don't discuss it with him. Be like a robot and organise yourself (a solicitoris a good place to start), and then you can either give him an ultimatum to change or you will walk, or just leave.

Best of luck. You deserve better.

Yes I suppose so.

We have different baskets - kids darks, us darks and everyone’s whites. Works for us - 1 basket; 1 wash!

It sounds like you are with a waste of space. Don't do nothing more for him or even feed the cunt he can make his own food. Sleep elsewhere he sounds like a drip.

Have your I read the latest coercive controlling update. Do your I treat your husband like a cunt or is it the other way around. You are trying to relate washing clothes to helicopter parenting with a grown man. He's a nasty stinking don't wash cunt and you're sticking up for him. I wonder what your house is like.

Sorry you responded to her post. How can you debate over dirt that's nasty.

He sounds lovely NOT

You think the op should have left pissy PJs on the floor until he's ready? In my house everyone's washing gets done at the same time or when it needs washing. No one in our house argues over mess or washing. I wonder if he can wash his own skin he must smell rank.

That's what she did do. You can't intelectulise nastiness I wonder if he knows what soap looks like?

If you stay with him you are enabling him to continue. You leaving him will be the best thing to help him change he is too complacent. Save yourself, him and most importantly your children from this chaotic relationship. Do you feel you are both in a codependent relationship?

You need to take back control and leave.

How offensive to autistic people to suggest this must be autistic behaviour. Yes there are some similarities - but autistic people are not generally manipulative, having poor theory of mind. And few of the many people I have met who are autistic are cruel.

What 'triggers' people is trotting out autism to excuse poor behaviour. And what is your actual point? Should OP just say 'ok then' and put up with it? I am so sick of these kind of uninformed comments.

Then just leave him. Imagine staying married and living jn retirement with thus,
No joy just verbal abuse! Come on
You jnow what you have to do.
Loads of us are single mums, fuck me it's bliss! Never ever would I go back to the kind of life you have right now.
Get the angry man away from you and his kids who are probably frightens by him.
Hope they don't remain traumatised.
You know what you must do! Take the first step....befree.

He sounds like a right tosser. I would leave.

I didn't say it was all autistic behaviour I said he is autistic. And having been diagnosed with autism along with half my extended family I would say I'm informed, although I'm happy to agree to disagree with you.
I also said it doesn't make a difference to the OP, (as it sounds like his behaviours are the issue not any potential autism.)
There are a good selection of people, autistic or not, who are arseholes under stress, and autism or not neither are an excuse.
But either way I stand by my point to consider whether he's on the spectrum.

You are putting him ahead of your children.
They should not be witnessing this.
So damaging for them.

Stop talking to him about it.
Make a decision to divorce and put those poor children first.

If he threatens self harm, ring the police immediately.

Your use of foul language speaks volumes.