Being shouted at over the washing

[Pinktize]

Last year, DH and I nearly split up. One of the things that came up was lack of help round the house (we both work full time). He said "fine, I'll do all the kids washing". And now that's his thing - he does the kids washing.

But he is now getting v angry about me putting kids clothes in the washing machine. So our youngest is having lots of accidents at the moment, and it means PJs smell of wee being left in the washing basket for days. This morning - I was doing some of my washing and shoved in some smelly PJs that were sat by the machine. He came down and said "oh you put a wash on. just your clothes right?" - i replied "oh, i put in some smelly DS clothes" and he goes mad. this has happened before. shouting at me "you're gaslighting me. i tell you jsut to do your own washing and you just don't do it. you constantly go against the system and put in the kids washing" i mean he shouted at me straight for 10 mins. i said nothign. then he said "oh you're just not going to respond. you're so immature" etc.

I am being unreasonable? I mean it's great that he wants to manage it but surely it's a bit insane to be shouted at for doing some washing. He said "you promised you wouldn't do this again. you're making me feel like i'm being ridiculous but you're messing with the system and doing whatever the fuck you want and then making me feel unreasonable for beign angry. just do yoru own fucking washing". I mean...i have promised to let him get on with it, but surely pissy smelly PJs sat stinking the place out. It seems so crazily OTT to me to be so angry

I think what has come to light that is his only chore and if she does it again then he will stop doing it. The op is not the one in the wrong here.

Jesus wept just leave him. He sounds like a complete and utter twat.

I’m still confused about the sharing out of household tasks. He just does the children’s washing (which involves filling and unfilling and machine does the rest) as opposed to what? Do you do everything else? If so, then you doing some of his task, albeit a small amount occasionally, will probably have him worrying that you’ll cotton on to how little he does in the scheme of things.

Why don’t you agree a more practical arrangement, rather than the slightly strange one that you have currently.

1. He does all washing including yours.
2. ”Pissy” kids clothes get prioritised and washed immediately (by him) even if it’s not washing day.

Him not washing your clothes, is strange to me. I’m sure you don’t cook and clean for just you and the kids?

I don't disagree with you @Foolsgold74 but some people do just lack the initiative. I was asking out of curiosity.

We dont know OPs DH, we dont know if its weaponised incompetence or if he really is just a dickhead, however from what i've read it doesnt really make a difference. His reaction makes me think he's looking to get out of the relationship

The shouting is not ok. I can’t understand why you want to know if he’s reasonable about his system with the washing - if it’s his job he gets to do it his way and you should respect that. But he should ask you nicely not to do something, not shout at you; and if you want to put something in with your things you should check with him and respect his ‘no’ if that’s the answer. But the marriage sounds awful - you don’t seem to like him and he clearly finds you extremely annoying so it’s probably better to call it a day.

Shouting at like you like that is not acceptable. Ever.
Splitting the washing the way you have done is ridiculous

He gets v stressed when he doesnt have control. He doesnt like to go to my parents as he doesnt think they make enough food and he gets v irritated woth me whispering "when is dinner" or "why didny you get me another drink". That kind of thing. He is also highly sensitive. He once bought me a cold coffee and I said it was v sweet and he wouldn't buy me a coffee for 6 months! And would say "ah when I buy you a coffee it's too sweet though" if i pulled him he would say he was joking. But he wouldn't buy one again. Right now he's in a sulk stoll and has been gaming for 5 hours!

In this situation it’s a coping strategy

He sounds absolutely horrible. Just like my ex in fact

His reaction to you washing some pissy PJs is fucking ridiculous, and completely over the top. That is not how we behave when we love and respect someone. He’s controlling, stubborn, and aggressive. What a fucking pig.

He sounds like a fucking arsehole.

Take a look at Dr Ramani's videos on YouTube. She focuses on covert narcissism, but within that covers emotional abuse and silent treatment. Might be eye-opening on his behaviour.

I think a high percentage of us know this exact kind of man.

I think you have a bigger problem than laundry. Nobody gets upset over their boring chore taken care by their partner unless their are deeper issues.
From this incident, it seems to me there is lack of respectful communication. You both have resentment and one of you is acting passive aggressive and other aggressive.

Regarding chores, can you divide washing as one day you do it, next time he does it, rather than based on whose laundry it is?

Now this is a totally different kind of update. Not buying coffee because once you said it’s very sweet is way OTT.

He needs to do all the washing, not just the kids’.

You wanted him to do more, so he is doing the kids laundry.

So if YOU then do the kids laundry it's implying he is not doing it properly, so although 10 minutes of being yelled at is ridiculous and out of proportion, I think he was right to feel annoyed.

You should have just said "I'm doing my own washing, do you want me to put X's pyjamas in with my stuff?". He can then say yes or no. If he says no, then let him deal with it. If they run out of clothes, again let him deal with it.

It's almost like you're helicopter parenting him. People learn through failure, so if the kids run out of clothes and his "system" has failed, then he will have to adjust his system.

Well he’s quite the abusive prick isn’t he?

He is doing this (not being on top of the washing, leaving pissy clothes around the house and allowing the situation to get to the point where kids have no clean stuff) to make you say "ok, I will do it" - and then next time he is told he does nothing around the house he will say "i wanted to do it and you stopped me".

You need to shout at him. He needs to grow up and do washing as and when it is required, for everyone in the house. Pick up dirty things, check if kids have no clean clothes, not let pissy stuff fester. He is a grown up, he doesn't need an allocation of duties like a child. He is capable of cleaning the house, of seeing when stuff needs doing and when it needs to be put in the washing machine - yours, kids, whatever. Same with vacuuming and washing up. He is an adult and an equal partner. Not a child or a roommate.

Fucking hate reading about so called "husbands" still expecting to be treated like a special superior beings not capable of cooking, cleaning and child rearing. I bet if you split up he would want 50/50 - and would turn out to be perfectly capable of doing all household chores by himself.

Did you miss the bit where he ranted at her for 10 minutes? He’s ( yet another) abusive arsehole

I would lay good money on him deliberately wrecking the OPs clothes to be spiteful.

Isn't it the point that you cannot stand smelling urine soaked clothes but he's oblivious to it, so he is taking it that his standards are too low. Which they are.

The fact is that he isn't doing the washing at the appropriate time.

He sounds controlling and won't change. Can you put up with it, because there doesn't seem much joy in your relationship?

He's not really doing it though is he if he's leaving urine soaked fabrics in the basket for days at a time. That's not reasonable by any standards. Not even in petty, his job standards. He's picked a self-righteous pattern of behaviour as if he's got the world on his shoulders when in actual fact this is his ONE job and he's not doing it.

Witnessing this relationship dynamic is more damaging for your children in the long term than having parents who ares separated. They’re learning it’s acceptable for someone to shout at a partner for ten minutes. They’re learning that couples don’t share genuine affection and instead having constant tension. They’re learning that it’s normal for adult men to sulk and game for five hours presumably leaving their partner to pick up all parenting duties in the meantime.

If you want them to be in better relationships than this themselves as adults then you owe it to them not to continue exposing them to this relationship dynamic.

Wouldn’t you be gutted if they ended up in a relationship just like this and you saw them get shouted at for ten minutes in front of their own kids?