For refusing DS to stay at his mate’s after missing curfew again??

[Alphane]

Right so this might be long but I don’t want to drip feed. DS (16) has got into a habit of staying out later and later. We have always said 10pm school nights, 11pm weekends, I don’t think that’s unreasonable. Last night he strolled in gone midnight, no text, nothing, and then had the cheek to say he’s staying over at his mate’s tonight.

I’ve said no. He’s sulking, calling me controlling, saying all his mates get to do what they want. DH says I should let it go as “he’s nearly an adult” but he’s still in school, he still lives here and IMO he’s not mature enough to be making those decisions.

Before anyone judges I’m not precious about him having independence. He goes to football, cinema, Nando’s, all that. I just think if he can’t stick to basic rules then why should he get extra privileges. Also worth saying DS (14) and DD (10) see all this and I don’t want them thinking rules don’t matter.

I know some will say pick my battles but I am just fed up of always being the bad guy while DH shrugs. AIBU to stick to my guns and not let him stay out?

He’s 16. You need to release the reins or he will resent you.

y11 or y12?

11 is very early for a 16yo at the weekend.
Also at 16 if my mum tried to tell me I couldn't stay at a mate's I'd just laugh as I swanned out of the door.

Seems completely reasonable to me. I’ve got a 17 yr old and a 15 yr old.

Sorry your husband is being no help. Of course it's fine to give consequences of not sticking to curfew. If your son has issues with that, he needs to argue his case, not just randomly stay out past midnight.

Is he in his last GCSE year or is he in sixth form? If the latter, I'd let it go.

It's times like these it's an advantage living rurally. They can't just swan out the door, they need parents to bring them anywhere!
But even so, at 16 there needs to be rules, and if my 16 year old swanned off there would be consequences.

I have a 16 year old and while I wouldn't have an issue with midnight at a weekend (as long as I knew where he was) if he was told a time and didn't stick to it there there would be sanctions.

Thanks for replies. Just to clarify he’s in Year 12, A levels starting this year so I don’t think it’s unreasonable to expect some boundaries. Before anyone says I’m mollycoddling him, he does have freedom. He goes out most weekends, he’s got a girlfriend (don’t want to drip feed but that’s part of why I want him home at a decent time tbh).

I don’t agree that 11 is too early, maybe for some families but in our area it kicks off later on and the buses stop not long after anyway. It’s not about me “releasing reins” it’s about respect in the house. DS (14) would eat 12 sausage rolls in one go if I didn’t say stop, so if DS (16) sees me letting rules slide, what example is that.

I’m not being precious but I just feel like DH wants the easy life so he’ll say “just let him” whereas I’m the one picking up the pieces when he’s tired, moody, behind on schoolwork. I don’t think it’s unfair to say no overnight when he couldn’t even manage to text me last night.

But why does he need a curfew at weekends? As long as he doesn't disturb anyone with his movements surely he's old enough to stay out late or over at a mates house?
As long as he's doing alright in school and does abide by a curfew on school nights I think you should be a bit more lenient.

I’d keep the weekday curfew and have a calm conversation about the weekends (fri and sat night). If he’s out later(r) then he has to let you know when he’s coming back and where he is.

They’re going to push boundaries so make it less exciting. It doesn’t really matter if he was back at gone midnight on a Friday, but it did matter that you didn’t know where he was and when he was planning on coming back, just on a basic safety level.

I think rather than having a strict 10/11pm curfew, could you say come to me and let me know roughly what you are doing and we can decide a fair time to be home by together based on that?

For me when I was young this would have avoided me walking half a mile in the dark to the bus station on my own because all of my friends were allowed to get the later bus right after the event had finished, whereas I had a rigid curfew regardless of where I was and what times the buses were.

I can almost guarantee that by the time you get to your 3rd dc going through the teenage years, you won’t feel the need be so dogmatic. I remember it being s steep learning curve with dc1! Once they got to 6th form, my dc would largely just keep me informed of their movements (dead phones and no signal permitting!), but they didn’t, for example, have to ask me if it was ok if they stayed the night at a friend’s house at the weekend. Mind you, I would check beforehand how they were going to get to/get back from any overnights/parties/gatherings and was available for lifts. I always said I’d rather they called me at 2 a.m. than be stranded somewhere, and that very rarely happened! We all managed to navigate through without any major catastrophes or dramas. I think your ds is probably right, btw, that most of year 12 won’t have a curfew.

11pm on a weekend night for a Y12 is wild. I was allowed out to when I liked at that age, and that was (just!) before mobile phones, but I had to let me parents know my plans.

PS if he’s shagging his GF, making him be home by 11pm won’t stop him 😂

It would be the lack of remorse and no apology, swanning in at an hour past for me.
I only do favours for people that respect me and the rules I set which are usually agreed during a discussion with everyone affected.
So your husband is really put of order to undermine you here, he would have a serious problem about being disrespected by one of your children, it's no different to you.

He is 16 not 10
Loosen up a bit

He'll likely go low or no contact, as soon as he seems possible.

I can't believe you're giving a sixth former a curfew of 10pm.

I’d go for 10pm Sunday night and onwards for school, and maje Friday Saturday midnight. However if he’s got an attitude or was cheeky then it goes back to 11pm.

A curfew at 10.00pm is ridiculous.

And why does he need a curfew at the weekend?

He’s 16, soon to be an adult. He’s right, you’re being very controlling. Poor lad. You need to slacken the reins a bit now he’s getting older. The harder you try to enforce your unreasonable rules, the more he’ll resent you.

This is sensible advice. 10pm on a school night isn’t unusual in my circle (yes he’s 16 but he is still at school), I’m not sure why people are jumping on that so much. @Alphane you have a husband issue. You need to have a serious conversation about being on the same page and putting up a united front. And then I agree, stick to your guns.
My oldest is now in their early twenties and we have no resentment or “no contact”. They understand why we put these boundaries in place and have a great relationship.

I think you need to sit down and talk to him calmly. I would cut the curfew for weekends. But on the proviso that he checks in with you at an agreed time with his plans for the night. He isn't a child and doesn't need to be treated like one. I wouldn't insist he comes home at A level age.
Does he rely on you for lifts at all?

Am I really reading these replies right? 11pm too early for a 16 year old boy? Of course it’s not.
Im still in my 20s, so being a teen was only 10 years ago for me and I wouldn’t have ever expected to be allowed out until 11pm. I also don’t believe the replies would be the same if we were talking about a 16 year old girl.

What would a 16 year old boy need to be doing that late at night if not hanging around the streets? And then they turn into little shits with the wrong crowd and everyone goes ‘where was their parents’

He is 16 not 6! Stop being so controlling ! Poor lad will be the laughing stock of his mates having to be home at those times ! Let him live his life .