For refusing DS to stay at his mate’s after missing curfew again??

[Alphane]

Right so this might be long but I don’t want to drip feed. DS (16) has got into a habit of staying out later and later. We have always said 10pm school nights, 11pm weekends, I don’t think that’s unreasonable. Last night he strolled in gone midnight, no text, nothing, and then had the cheek to say he’s staying over at his mate’s tonight.

I’ve said no. He’s sulking, calling me controlling, saying all his mates get to do what they want. DH says I should let it go as “he’s nearly an adult” but he’s still in school, he still lives here and IMO he’s not mature enough to be making those decisions.

Before anyone judges I’m not precious about him having independence. He goes to football, cinema, Nando’s, all that. I just think if he can’t stick to basic rules then why should he get extra privileges. Also worth saying DS (14) and DD (10) see all this and I don’t want them thinking rules don’t matter.

I know some will say pick my battles but I am just fed up of always being the bad guy while DH shrugs. AIBU to stick to my guns and not let him stay out?

“Mate’s parents are cool” must say I’ve never worried about being seen as the “cool” parent. Our rules are stricter than some of ds friends have but I don’t care, they can parent their way and we do what we think is best for our kid.

I wouldn’t want my 16y old DS roaming about much past 11pm, but we live in SE London and it’s not that safe. I try not to be out much past 11pm myself! If he had a specific event he wanted to go to that went on past 11pm that would be fine, but I’d probably want to pick him up rather than walking/getting the bus.

Nope, Uber doesn't exist here.
Taxis don't come this far out late evening (like a 45 min walk - were not rural) unless you've picked them up in town.

I guess part of the curfew differences come from availability of activities and transport. So maybe some of us saying 11 is reasonable know it would be hanging round the streets or walking home alone for later events. And, yes, midnight is too late for me when I'm out the house at 6.30 the following morning.

Curfew through the week makes sense.
Once our dc's had finished GCSEs, we didn't have a weekend or 'during the holidays' curfew. Neither of them went out of control.
Why do you think a curfew is necessary at weekends? Your dh obviously doesn't agree with you.

It's not about what you worry about being seen as

It's about what your child sees them as. And that they have different parenting ideas than you which means they don't care if your child is around at theirs until 11pm after

Seriously, he’s 16 not 6

i have teens and I guarantee you they are all out later than they at weekends.

you will push him away.

To be honest ds doesn’t have any mates whose parents would think it was normal for their kids to be out at that time, or to be hosting other teens at that time. There are boys in his year who roam around all hours of the night but ds has never hung around with them. His friends are from families with similar views and rules as ours.

I think that there should be consequences for not telling you he was going to be late BUT 11pm is not that late for a 6th former. We have a rule here that applies to everyone including DH and I that we give an indication of where we are going and when we will be back and that we whatsapp the family chat if we are going to overrun. DDs are now in their early 20s and have never had a problem with this. Probably because it isn't a "child only" rule and they have seen it apply to live in nannies and adult house guests as well. The only other rules are that if you use the emergency taxi money in the hall you replace it the following day and that if you want me to ccok you dinner you let me know by 4pm.

I would stick to your consequences for now but indicate that you are open to having a conversation about changing the curfew if he can demonstrate responsibility around it.

I think in year 12 I would relax a bit at the weekends. 10 pm is fair enough midweek.
The point it more not letting you know because you’re obviously going to worry. I think if you relaxed a bit though he might be more likely to message you saying what time he’s going to be home because he will know you’re not going to kick off?
Also at 16 in year 12 I would relax about the GF too, if they are going to have sex they will do.

What a mad reply.

Dd 18 has to be in by midnight because she can't seem to come in without waking the whole house up.
Once she moves out she can do what she likes. But while she lives at home she either learns not to disturb the whole house or be home by midnight.

I think an 11pm curfew at the weekend for a 16 year old is embarrassing, and I also think 10 on school nights is too early.

A curfew is very rigid and doesn't take account of the event.

If DD16 gets invited to a party until 1am, she comes home at 1am. If there's nothing going on and it's been a busy week she might be in bed by 10pm.

From these threads you realise that everyone is different.

I would definitely expect my 16 year old back by 11PM during the weekend and not to go out too much in the week, and definitely back by 10pm if he did. We are very much early bed/early risers.

Teenagers, even 16 year olds, need plenty of sleep as they are still growing (maybe more boys than girls at 16) and less very active and demanding lives. And no one can go straight to sleep when they walk in the door.

I wouldn’t criticise others for having different rules though.

But the idea that it is ridiculous or you won’t be respected is just rubbish. I know plenty of adults in their mid 20s now from strict parents, and they are still very keen to see and spend time with their parents and are generally happy and successful.

I think 10 on a school night and 11 on a weekend us reasonable. He's 16. He's not an adult. I don't think you're being remotely controlling.

Exactly, he is 16. Legally, he could move out altogether.

I also think you have to 'police by consent' at that age.

I used to go to goth clubs in the late 80s, aged 16, & lurch in plastered from the night bus at 4am Sunday morning. I'm sure my parents were worried sick.

But I was spending my own earnings from my Saturday job. & my best mate had rebelled against her parents & moved out to shack up with a 30 year old biker, so they preferred me coming home late to the sort of 'fuck you' I'd have delivered if they'd tried to curfew me.

I was attending a very naice girls' grammar & got excellent A Levels.

Sometimes, you need to pick your battles.

(& I'm the first to admit that it's easy for me to say - all three of my dcs' idea of a wild night out is 3 beers on a beach holiday ).

Agreed!

Not necessarily 1 as such but could be past 12. Parties at her friends’ houses. I think that’s pretty normal? Not often but occasionally.

She did get all 9s in her GCSEs so I don’t think we have a problem!

To be honest judging by a lot of the posts on here a significant portion of parents have completely lost sight of what is reasonable behaviour from their children. And frankly the vast majority of kids I have seen out and about confirms it.
There is absolutely no reason whatsoever that teenagers should be out wandering about at 11pm. If there is a specific event or activity going on that they wish to attend then sure. But regularly being out late at night is just irresponsible and asking for them to find themselves in trouble.
Yes they need to be given an increasing amount of responsibility as they get older. But that needs to be inline with what is reasonable and responsible. And there needs to be clear consequences for not sticking to the rules. Being late repeatedly for their curfew should not be rewarded with an extension of the curfew. If anything the opposite should happen.

Oh god, I hope my 17 year old DS never learns of this!!
He’s ADHD to the max and would be going round the world in 80 days on a whim 😂

I agree that a lot of people have lost sight of what is reasonable behaviour for a 16 year old. When I turned 16 a lot of my friends went to work full time. Some of them got their own places shortly afterwards. There was no curfew at all then!!! Nowadays we get threads on MN asking if it is safe for someone to let their 15 year old NT child get a bus with their friends to spend Saturday aftenoon in a shopping centre. No wonder employers are complaining that young people lack resilience.

But surely he should have the respect to let his mum know he’s running late? He has a curfew because he’s only 16.

@Londonmummy66. I think you’ve hit the nail on the head. I left school at 16 and started working full time a couple of months later. From the day I began work, commuted into London every day, and started to make a financial contribution to the house, I didn’t expect to be given any curfew or to be told when I could or couldn’t come home. I always had the courtesy to let my parents know roughly where I was going and when I expected to be home, and I used to ring if I was going to be much later. I didn’t impose any strict curfews on my daughter when she was 16, although I usually collected her if she was coming home late because none of her friends lived locally so she was always travelling alone.

I'm astounded anyone thinks 10pm and 11pm are unreasonable for a 16 year old. If I'd wanted to stay out that late I'd have needed a damn good reason for it, and I some how managed to survive that and have a good relationship with my parents.