For refusing DS to stay at his mate’s after missing curfew again??

[Alphane]

Right so this might be long but I don’t want to drip feed. DS (16) has got into a habit of staying out later and later. We have always said 10pm school nights, 11pm weekends, I don’t think that’s unreasonable. Last night he strolled in gone midnight, no text, nothing, and then had the cheek to say he’s staying over at his mate’s tonight.

I’ve said no. He’s sulking, calling me controlling, saying all his mates get to do what they want. DH says I should let it go as “he’s nearly an adult” but he’s still in school, he still lives here and IMO he’s not mature enough to be making those decisions.

Before anyone judges I’m not precious about him having independence. He goes to football, cinema, Nando’s, all that. I just think if he can’t stick to basic rules then why should he get extra privileges. Also worth saying DS (14) and DD (10) see all this and I don’t want them thinking rules don’t matter.

I know some will say pick my battles but I am just fed up of always being the bad guy while DH shrugs. AIBU to stick to my guns and not let him stay out?

surprised at these replies actually. I don’t think you’re being remotely unreasonable in a 11pm curfew. He is 16!
No wonder teens are out of control! They don’t get to make the rules, they are still children! And they wouldn’t be out at all if they back chatted me or spoke with disrespect.

OP, your house, your rules. If you have given a curfew that was ignored, then there have to be consequences, or there’s no point in having one. I’d make it very plain to your son that it’s not OK while he’s living at home to waltz in at midnight, and that had he sent a text to let you know he was safe, you might have been a little more lenient. Have a conversation with him - tell him he can stay out late for special occasions but not just as a matter of course, and that his A level results will determine his next steps in life so obviously you want him to do well, and staying out late every night is hardly conducive to that. I would make it clear to him that once he goes to uni/leaves home, he can do as he pleases, but while he’s under your roof, and not yet an adult, there are limits.

I was absolutely rigid with my oldest DS at that age. He rebelled and was late home all
the time because his mates were allowed out later. With DS 2 I took a different tactic and would ask “what time can I expect you in tonight?”. He’d say midnight, I’d say that’s a bit late that mate. He’d think about it and we’d compromise on a time. He was always home by the time we’d agreed. Whether that was because he felt in control or just that he’s a different kid I don’t honestly know but it worked anyhow.

So what happens? They're treated like a child until their 18th birthday because then they're an adult?

I treated the years between 15 and 18 as preparation for adulthood and that included increasingly making and taking responsibility for their own choices.

Mine were never 'out of control'. Not even any 'bother' and I didn't have curfews or rigid rules. I just built a really strong relationship based upon trust and respect so I didn't ever feel the need to.

It worked for us.

If you are ok with sticking to your rules, then do so.

It will work for some kids, less well for others.

Yabu. And I think you need a stronger reason than buses finishing. He can just turn round and” say so what I’ll get an Uber. “
And in less than a year he could be driving so will have even more freedom.

does he have a weekend job that he needs to get up for?

Are you being unreasonable - a bit yes. Curfews for kids whilst they are under your roof is within acceptable bounds of parenting, lots of people will agree. It's not my preferred method of parenting. Why do you think rule following is important - and who is this rule for? Is it because you can't sleep until he's home - if so explain that. If it's because you think kids need rules - you can just do the my house my rules thing but I guess that'll just be a source of dispute. Personally I go for the - act like a responsible adult, let me know where you are going, let me know when you are likely to be back, and contact me if in trouble or something else happens.

Legally, at 16 he can live at his mates without your permission.

You can’t dictate a curfew to a 16yo.

You need to focus on things like adequate informing you of his whereabouts to ensure you know he is safe.

Your younger children are old enough to know that they aren’t 16 and legally they don’t have the right to decide where to live.

Curfew way too early for a 16yo who has left school IMO. I think you need to relax a bit. My rules were that they weren't to be just walking the streets late (we live in a not particularly nice city) but no curfew as such. The DC always tell us where they are going and are on life 360 by choice.

I think an 11 pm curfew on a weekend is ridiculous.

I have dd16 (in yr12 so nearly 17) but even when she was newly 16 she could go out til about 12-1 on a weekend.

Yes it sucks having to wait up til they’re home - or feeling you have to because you’re worried - but you can’t clip your children’s wings just because you might feel worried, or want to relax/ go to bed. It’s so selfish.

My teens have never been out of control. We discuss where they are going and when they will be back, they have never broken that trust. At 16 they need to be on their way to adulthood, they dont just suddenly become responsible at 18, they need to learn that of course.

We have a great relationship and they understand that it is courteous when living in the same household that we dont just go out without saying anything and they always keep in touch when out.

He'll be 17 this academic year. Why shouldn't he be out late or stay over on a weekend night (last night being Friday)? It's one thing to be firm with reasonable rules but another to be controlling for the sake of it. Plus at 16 there isn't a huge amount you can do to stop them doing what they want to do if they are irritated by your petty rules and determinated to breech them.

My dd is on my uber account for when needed. It’s quite a good addition, the adding a teen concept they’ve brought out.

But she’s very trustworthy and won’t abuse it.

What was your dd doing as a 16 year old who was out till 1am? They are too young for pubs and clubs at that age. And I wouldn’t want my 16 year old inconveniencing other kids parents by hanging around in their home until that time.

My curfew at weekends was midnight when I was 17. One saturday I got in at 12.05 because the bus was late. I still got a walopping from my father, The age of consent back then was 21. My father would not have hesitated to lock the door on me.

Bowling - shuts at 11
McDonald's - shuts at 11
Cinema -shuts at midnight, but usually only 18 flims starting that late.
Mates house doesn't close!

DS1 is 16. I dont see an issue with an 11pm curfew (with negotiations to later for e.g. the film). I can't see most of his mates parents wanting a house full of teens past about 11 either - because someone has to collect or drop them off. Last bus 6pm.

DS is off to a gig next week. He'll be back when he's back. But that's a one off. 11 is pretty normal for general day to day stuff - we haven't hit parties yet.

Did you and your DH originally both agree to the curfew that was in place for DS(16)? If so, he's being irresponsible in failing to uphold it and to enforce reasonable (and probably previously agreed-upon) consequences for DS's unilaterally breaking it without warning or communication or even explanation. Your comment if he can’t stick to basic rules then why should he get extra privileges. Also worth saying DS (14) and DD (10) see all this and I don’t want them thinking rules don’t matter is very relevant.

It may be absolutely reasonable to relax or even eliminate DS's curfew, but the responsible way to do that is to discuss it among the three of you and decide what has changed and what now makes sense, and then use the new curfew going FORWARD. It would be great if DS could be mature enough to initiate this discussion rather than just breaking curfew, but he's not. That would be a factor for me in deciding whether to relax the curfew or not, but not necessarily a dealbreaker. It would also be great if DH could be mature enough to raise the curfew issue on DS's behalf and convince you that a change is needed; I'm not sure why he (seemingly) can't.

You and DH have to have a united front, even if that means a lot of work between the two of you coming to an agreement you can both stand behind. If you've imposed the curfew over DH's objections, or if DH agreed to it and is now undermining it, there's a bigger problem here.

The problem with rules that are unfair and/or way off what other families do is that it becomes very difficult to enforce them. My DS knows he has to be home by a set time, and he is, otherwise there are consequences. He also knows the times I give him are reasonable.

11pm for a 16 year old is ridiculous. DS has been going to parties where pick up is 11 since he started in high school and I'm confident by the time he's 16 it will be later.

My advice is to renegotiate these curfews and as part of that, agree he has to stick to them or there are consequences.

When I was 16, I was usually working then as a babysitter. I kicked off when my parents tried to impose a curfew on me because my best customers hired me specifically because they could stay out past midnight. I told my parents if my grades slipped, then we can talk about a curfew (their concern was my grades).

My mum was very controlling throughout my child but by 16, including the end part of y11, i was working in a leisure centre until 11pm some nights including week nights and camping at sporting events most weekends in the summer with my DB (2 years older) and friends.

My a levels didn't go so well, so there is clearly a balance to be found, but your 10/11pm curfew is not it.

Some parents don't give a shit if their kids dare to have friends over

Blimey. I was living independently at that age.

Bowling here does not shut until midnight on a weekend
The McDonald's are 24 hour
Cinema shows all kinds of films after 10 so would be finishing at around midnight
Mate's house - they just stay there because that mate's parents are cool and don't try and control a 16 going on 17 year old like they were 12.
Last buses are usually around 11pm. Taxis and Ubers exist

Some parents are happy to have their kid's friends around and don't want to kick them out at 9pm because it's "late" because it's not for them

I can't believe the number of people jumping on OP for having a curfew. Yes, maybe he should be able to be to negotiate a later time at weekends but not just disappear giving no indication of where he is or what time he'll be back. Would all these posters really be OK with their 16 year olds staying out all night without warning, without any contact? They wouldn't be worried at all????

I have only 2 daughters (now 19 and nearly 21) but when they were 16 we had reasonable rules but we had rules. They knew I wouldn't be OK with them staying up till all hours on a school night or disappearing overnight. If they were going out they gave me an estimated time when they'd be home and they contacted me if they were delayed because they knew I'd want to know they were safe.

Just because OP's child is a boy not a girl doesn't mean he should just be allowed to do whatever he likes. It sounds like his past behaviour means he can't be trusted to have no rules or to ring mum to update her.

Some parents don't want to do any actual parenting because they're scared of their kids not liking them. I've got a colleague who is a lovely person but let her kids do whatever they liked, with disastrous results - multiple school exclusions, teenage pregnancy, drug-related car accidents, etc. She thought I was too strict with my DDs for having ANY rules, but my DDs are lovely, reasonable well-mannered young adults whereas hers are frankly obnoxious.

And the whole "I have younger children"
OK?
Is the oldest constrained to only doing what the youngst can do??