For refusing DS to stay at his mate’s after missing curfew again??

[Alphane]

Right so this might be long but I don’t want to drip feed. DS (16) has got into a habit of staying out later and later. We have always said 10pm school nights, 11pm weekends, I don’t think that’s unreasonable. Last night he strolled in gone midnight, no text, nothing, and then had the cheek to say he’s staying over at his mate’s tonight.

I’ve said no. He’s sulking, calling me controlling, saying all his mates get to do what they want. DH says I should let it go as “he’s nearly an adult” but he’s still in school, he still lives here and IMO he’s not mature enough to be making those decisions.

Before anyone judges I’m not precious about him having independence. He goes to football, cinema, Nando’s, all that. I just think if he can’t stick to basic rules then why should he get extra privileges. Also worth saying DS (14) and DD (10) see all this and I don’t want them thinking rules don’t matter.

I know some will say pick my battles but I am just fed up of always being the bad guy while DH shrugs. AIBU to stick to my guns and not let him stay out?

It’s your opinion that 11pm is too early. It’s my opinion that if a child is allowed out until 11pm without their parents, the reins have already been loosened significantly and they are already developing independence. That’s how difference of opinion works.

Actually, thinking on a few years, many of these 16 year olds will have their independence severely curtailed by the fact that they’ll still be living with Mum and Dad. There are now many threads on MN from parents struggling with having their young adults coming in at all hours when they actually want to just lock the doors and go to bed by 10.30.

So these days independence looks very different. They’re “children” for far longer in that they’re not making their own way. And while for some this is due to the CoL, for others it’ll be perhaps because it’s just too cosy and comfy at Mum:’ so they’ll just stay put. I’m all for creating some discomfort to help usher them out the door 🤣.

Anyway. I rarely if ever went out at night much before the age of 17 at the youngest. But I moved out for uni at just 18 and then out completely at 21. Sounds pretty independent to me.

It’s not significant loosening of reins in any sense of the word.

Also, a 16 year old is not a child. They are a young person and nearly an adult. As I’ve mentioned DS1 moved out for uni at 17 (as is the norm in Scotland).

As has been pointed out often, a 16 year old IS a child, and that’s a fact.

Would you let an 11 year old or even a 13 year out without parents until 11pm? No, which demonstrates significant loosening of the reins and a move towards more independence by 16.

Just because your son moved out at 17, that doesn’t make it right that we should all let our 16 year olds out past 11pm without a specific reason (eg a party that finishes later) and how you deal with your son makes no difference to my opinion.

It’s not my opinion.

It is not reasonable on any planet to have a situation where one month someone is subject to that degree of parental control and is then expected to be able to live totally independently and have to run their own life a few months later.

Why are you assuming that’s the case with the OP’s son? She says he’s just started year 12 which means it’s 2 years before moving out for uni, even if that’s in the cards, happens. Year 12 also suggests England or Wales to me, not Scotland.

Wrong. He needs to learn that with freedom comes responsibility. If he can’t stick to reasonable rules and be self disciplined he does not get the privileges that come with adulthood. Like most teenagers he thinks he knows everything. As he gets older he will she the wisdom of your rules.

It’s not a reasonable rule at all though.

lol,
”does not get the privileges that come with adulthood”

The law says otherwise. At 16 you can come & go and even live where you please. Parents have no legal right to lay down any curfews or punishments on this. A parent can only ask, not require at 16.

Okay, I am SO confused here.. I read OP’s comment thinking “totally reasonable” and then see all the responses of “16 doesn’t need a curfew / sanction / (rules)”… and yet.. I have seen so many people passing judgement on posts about allowing their 15 y.o. to drink 1/2 a Smirnoff Ice because they “are a child who needs parenting and is at such a vulnerable age”.
So, is their 16th birthday the date on which they start making good decisions & I can retire from this whole laying-down-the-law thing? (Genuine interest as I have a 15 1/2 yo who I definitely wouldn’t trust to be call many shots!)

What he is 16??

Yeah I'm with the majority here that a weekend curfew in Year 12 sounds crazy to me. At that age I'd have been rolling in from clubbing at 4am and then straight out to work at 6am haha, great times. I'd still suggest a curfew mid week but loosen the reigns abit at the weekend or you'll push him away

Personally I wouldn’t have an issue with either.

I think the point is he isn't behaving in a mature way which would not inspire me to treat him as almost adult. He is behaving like a teenager ( which he still is). You know your son op.

How can he be mature though when he is being mollycoddled?

11pm curfew??? That's too early for Year 12. I agree he should text you but in my experience they often don't. My kids did not go out in the week that late, but at the weekends when they came home depended on what they were doing so no curfew as such. I think if you aren't a bit more flexible he will end up being very resentful.