For refusing DS to stay at his mate’s after missing curfew again??

[Alphane]

Right so this might be long but I don’t want to drip feed. DS (16) has got into a habit of staying out later and later. We have always said 10pm school nights, 11pm weekends, I don’t think that’s unreasonable. Last night he strolled in gone midnight, no text, nothing, and then had the cheek to say he’s staying over at his mate’s tonight.

I’ve said no. He’s sulking, calling me controlling, saying all his mates get to do what they want. DH says I should let it go as “he’s nearly an adult” but he’s still in school, he still lives here and IMO he’s not mature enough to be making those decisions.

Before anyone judges I’m not precious about him having independence. He goes to football, cinema, Nando’s, all that. I just think if he can’t stick to basic rules then why should he get extra privileges. Also worth saying DS (14) and DD (10) see all this and I don’t want them thinking rules don’t matter.

I know some will say pick my battles but I am just fed up of always being the bad guy while DH shrugs. AIBU to stick to my guns and not let him stay out?

Cinema
Bowling
McDonalds (other fast food places are available)
Arcades
Round their mates
Youth club
Various organised activities
Youth theatre
Sports or the gym

We’re pretty rural by MN standards but there’s still plenty to do - especially if they don’t come home after college and stay in town.

They pretty much all have jobs too so many of them will be working.

That’s been around for years hasn’t it? It’s supposed to heighten your sense of taste or something - they mentioned it on QI years ago I’m pretty sure.

At 16 I was out raving all weekend, literally would be gone for days! Definitely all night....I more or less came and went as I pleased. Not saying I was the most well behaved teen but I did okay in A levels!

We’ve never been big on curfews either. It’s a case by case basis. We wouldn’t allow hanging round town aimlessly let alone late at night but if it’s a decent plan and they clear
about what they are doing i wouldn’t get hung up on timing.

Do think some parents rather enjoy the power they wield over their late teens…that’s not particularly edifying or healthy.

@Ddakji I think this depends where you live doesnt it. Even my 14 year old likes hanging out til as late as he can at the local floodlit football cage.

I hope by 16 he would be able to go to youth clubs or maybe music nights

I live in a city with a lot of live music and there are sometimes gigs for under 18s at the youth club.

I think sadly it is harder now - when I was that age in the 90s we had a fake id made of cardboard and went to clubs all over london! It was just totally normal from about 15 up.

The fake IDs are still around according to DD, just much more sophisticated. She claims she knows lots of kids with fake IDs. Or often they look like an older sibling and just use theirs. Some kids are still pulling tricks, just like they did in the 90s.

The scariest thing right now is the stamp spiking in bars and clubs. I do not know how prevalent it is, but some teens are quite scared of it, so I think having a safe friendship group who looks out for each other and travelling home together safely is more important than curfews.

It is extremely early for a weekend.

In our family all the generations have one. It's just sensible...

That's not a new place. It's been open years

“Extremely” seems a bit extreme.

Thanks to those who’ve answered me on what kids are doing till 11 at night. Are these all boys? Are the kids travelling on public transport? Is this in a city? Are all these kids white?

We don’t allow DD (15) out at night unless with us and as she’s experienced London at night with all the fun of navigating drunks etc she really doesn’t like being out at night/when it’s dark. She does the things listed in the afternoons, though not every weekend. No house parties (not something in her friendship group).

Maybe it’s because they’re girls, in London, some of whom are not white, and she’s at a not-that-local private school that this isn’t her norm. Some parents are much stricter than we are - I’m fairly OK with DD roaming across London during the day as long as she keeps me vaguely posted and is home by dark.

Unless you live in Gotham City, it is very extreme for a 15 year old not to be allowed out at night. DS1 was out playing football, at friends’ houses or at the cinema from 12 or 13.

There is a huge issue with young adults lacking independence and the ability to make decisions on their own. It’s not hard to see why looking at this thread.

@Ddakji - my DD always goes in a group and has close friends who are boys who look out for them. Yes, they travel on public transport through London. There is a mix of white and Asian and black, as you would expect and mixed race. That reflects the diversity of the City itself.

“That's not a new place. It's been open years” @BriefEncountersOfTheThirdKind - sadly I do not get out much these days, unlike the teens and young adults in our wider family. Perfectly happy with a nice afternoon tea and a show. My rave days at Fabric and the like are definitely a thing of the past!

Interesting. In my experience it’s the parents of black and Asian kids who are far more strict, especially with the girls. And DD’s mainly out with just girls these days, and none of us are that keen on our daughters roaming around inner London at night. And as I said, she just doesn’t want to. And as neither DH nor I did in our day, it hasn’t occurred to me that this is something odd.

Food for thought!

Well, we’ll have to agree to disagree that this is “extreme”. I must say, when I’m out and about in my part of London at night, it’s unusual to see teens out. Rightly or wrongly. Plenty out and about in the day, of course.

And, as I said, it wasn’t my norm in the 80s either, in a very different part of London, nor DH’s in a different city. I managed to navigate uni and adult life fairly well!

I'm with Walom here - If they live at home, there must be rules. At 16 they need rules so they know that when they get out into the world ,there will be RULES! No wonder there are so many problems, if ,by some of these replies. I am stunned

I am stunned that you think it’s acceptable to mollycoddle and stifle the independence of 16 year olds.

There’s a difference between mollycoddling and setting boundaries. She’s not denying him the chance to go out, she’s just expecting him to be home at a completely reasonable time.
You really do need to accept that many parents have a different opinion to yours.

Mollycoddling is giving infinite support but with no consequences or responsibilities.

Mollycoddling is not allowing your kids to grow up

It’s not reasonable at all to control a 16 year old to that extent though.

Of course parents should be there to support, but there is a situation here where the OP’s DS is having to live in an open prison. That is going to stifle his independence.

“It’s not reasonable at all to control a 16 year old to that extent though.“ IN YOUR OPINION - plenty disagree.

Requiring a child to be home by a specific time (not actually far off midnight) is a long way from an open prison.

It is a shame that you can’t accept that others disagree with you.

It’s not about my opinion. It is an objective fact that young adults nowadays lack independence and the ability to think for themselves.

That is in no small part due to parents who can’t loosen the reins and allow them to develop these skills.

Why does he have a curfew?
some problem or other or just because. ?
curfew just because is asking for trouble at 16
school is his fully time job. He is doing well otherwise leave him to figure out his own limits to an extent.
depends how far his mates are too, less than 15 mins walk, Midnight and no later if all jobs and homework is done.