For refusing DS to stay at his mate’s after missing curfew again??

[Alphane]

Right so this might be long but I don’t want to drip feed. DS (16) has got into a habit of staying out later and later. We have always said 10pm school nights, 11pm weekends, I don’t think that’s unreasonable. Last night he strolled in gone midnight, no text, nothing, and then had the cheek to say he’s staying over at his mate’s tonight.

I’ve said no. He’s sulking, calling me controlling, saying all his mates get to do what they want. DH says I should let it go as “he’s nearly an adult” but he’s still in school, he still lives here and IMO he’s not mature enough to be making those decisions.

Before anyone judges I’m not precious about him having independence. He goes to football, cinema, Nando’s, all that. I just think if he can’t stick to basic rules then why should he get extra privileges. Also worth saying DS (14) and DD (10) see all this and I don’t want them thinking rules don’t matter.

I know some will say pick my battles but I am just fed up of always being the bad guy while DH shrugs. AIBU to stick to my guns and not let him stay out?

I'd say if it's the weekend then he isn't 'running late' as he doesn't have any other commitments.

I think 16 is old enough to come and go as you please on Friday and Saturday nights. Yes, he should text her to say what he's up to and roughly when he'll be back.

Weekend or not his mum gave him a cufew, he stayed out past it so yes he is running late.

Yes I know. As I said I would remove this problem by not issuing a curfew.

I’m astounded the amount of people that think 16 year olds can stay out all night and do as they please. They are still in education, not yet an adult and still a child. A lot of slack parenting tbh

But his mum wants to give him a curfew so that doesn’t really help.

It might help if she drops it.

So if a child doesn’t follow the rules they are given and do what they want regardless of what a parents asks, your answer would be to not give them any rules and allow them to do what they want, it gives you an easy life and child doesn’t have to worry about following rules? I’m not sure that’s great parenting but you do you

Children don’t get to dictate the rules! Parents do. What his parents say goes no matter how unreasonable he thinks it is. Don’t like it then he can go and support himself somewhere else.
utterly absurd to think that it’s ok for kids to be out at all hours with no thought of the consequences or keeping their parents informed of where they are.

He’s 16 not 6. Imagine having an 11pm curfew - he must be a laughing stock amongst his friends.

You’re going the right way about pushing him away that’s for sure. At that age I could do what I wanted as long as my parents knew where I was and it was safe.

My friends parents were authoritarian like this. ‘If you don’t like it leave’ types. She left home at 17 and the relationship never recovered.

I'm so glad my parents didn't have this bizarre, authoritarian view.

I would say that if a 16 year old is complaining about a rule and finding it hard to stick to then it's time to look at WHY you have that rule and whether it's necessary and trying to explain both sides...

So he's old enough to "go and support himself somewhere else" but not old enough to have adult rules in the house????

As my mum used to say “whilst you live under my roof, you live by my rules”

I think what you’ve set is more than reasonable

That seems more reasonable than what the other poster suggested

So a near adult doesn't get any say?

When does he do homework?

No, not at 16. If his curfew was 7pm yea I’d say a conversation is needed but 16, absolutely not!

What an old-fashioned way of thinking.

Think of it this way. In 18 months ish, he will be old enough to potentially move out, go to uni, be out doing god knows what until god knows what time. Let him do it now as a practice run while you are nearby in case he gets stuck, rather than letting the leash all go at once in a year or two. If he's repeatedly staying out really late on "school nights" to the point where he's missing college regularly etc, or you have reason to believe he is out drig dealing or something then sure I would toughen up. But if he's just playing Xbox at a mates or whatever just loosen the leash, especially on the Fri/Sat nights

No worries, I’d take that over a modern way of thinking and not knowing where my kid is or what they’re up to. Not prioritising education, no respect for boundaries and a blatant disregard to their parents. I’m cool with my way of thinking 👍🏼

Do you always make bizarre assumptions out of nothing? 😂

No assumptions made. I don’t agree with you, you don’t agree with me. Absolutely fine by me. Have a great evening

Of course you've made an assumption.

You've decided that including 16 year olds in discussions about how they live and when they're allowed to come home means they don't respect their parents and don't prioritise their education.

As I said - bizarre 😂

Exactly. So many people coddle their teenagers or insist on the whole "my house, my rules" bollocks then wonder why their adults have no concept of self-control when they leave home.