For refusing DS to stay at his mate’s after missing curfew again??

[Alphane]

Right so this might be long but I don’t want to drip feed. DS (16) has got into a habit of staying out later and later. We have always said 10pm school nights, 11pm weekends, I don’t think that’s unreasonable. Last night he strolled in gone midnight, no text, nothing, and then had the cheek to say he’s staying over at his mate’s tonight.

I’ve said no. He’s sulking, calling me controlling, saying all his mates get to do what they want. DH says I should let it go as “he’s nearly an adult” but he’s still in school, he still lives here and IMO he’s not mature enough to be making those decisions.

Before anyone judges I’m not precious about him having independence. He goes to football, cinema, Nando’s, all that. I just think if he can’t stick to basic rules then why should he get extra privileges. Also worth saying DS (14) and DD (10) see all this and I don’t want them thinking rules don’t matter.

I know some will say pick my battles but I am just fed up of always being the bad guy while DH shrugs. AIBU to stick to my guns and not let him stay out?

Did you read the post? He was given a curfew is blatantly ignored it. He didn’t respect his parents?

bizarre you can’t read

Not obeying curfew doesn't mean you don't respect your parents - that's ridiculously simplistic.

But then black and white thinking seems to be your modus operandi, so I can't be too surprised.

Ok then. 👍🏼

It’s not authoritarian to not want your children running around the streets at night.
And I’m sick to the back teeth of disrespectful kids running around unsupervised and causing mayhem. Only this morning a bunch of kids were running riot in our local coop store. Being downright rude and attempting to shoplift. If you don’t want to parent them then don’t have them!

Yes it does! It quite literally does. If you don’t agree with it then you sit down and talk to them and find a compromise. You don’t just ignore it.

There's no suggestion he's "running around the streets"

As above there are plenty of things a 16 year old could be doing which mean he's home later than 11pm

And even if he's "on the streets" he's more likely to be hanging around a park with a bottle of cheap cider or whatever than "running around"

Again, way too simplistic.

When I was 16 I had a job in a takeaway and walked home at 2am at least one if not two nights at the weekend.

I do think 11 at the weekend is very early for a sixth former.

Or, as the adults, you say "OK, you don't think the curfew is late enough. Why is that? Let's discuss this..."

Not go throwing your weight around as "I am the adult and you will respect me purely because I am older"

It's time he got a Saturday job so he had to be honest a decent hour to get to work. All the rights and no responsibility. We have an entitled generation. I agree with boundaries respect and setting a tone for the younger ones. Think weekend curfew a little early. My 16/17 yr olds were allowed to stay over, get a taxi back with friends in early hours if not interfering with school or work.

Exactly.

Being a parent is not just saying "my house, my rules" - it's also about recognising when your rules aren't working or could be adapted, and having a conversation about it.

Especially when they’re almost adults.

He's 16!! You can get married in Scotland at 16 without your parents permission and you're giving him a curfew at weekends if 11? Good luck with that one

Quite - it's not really surprising so many twenty-somethings seem to struggle when they leave home if they're so tightly curtailed at 16.

There are barely any "Saturday jobs" for 16 year olds around now

Thank God my dc went to boarding schools and we didn’t have this trouble in term time. Obviously they came home quite a lot but we had family time. They went to parties in the holidays and stayed over. I collected the following morning. We never ever had them eating late in McDonalds or Nandos. Or messing around in the streets. Others we knew at day schools didn’t have them wandering the streets in y12 either in the week. I’m finding it bizarre parents think it’s ok.

Never understood this “curfew” obsession remember my friends parents when we were teens ranting and raving because we were 10 minutes late beyond some random plucked out of the air time deadline. Seemed
they were on a real power trip. So glad
my parents weren’t like that and we arent either. We work with our teens on a case by case basis depending on what they’re doing.

Mine aren’t “wandering the streets” either they are at parties or friends houses or if 17 plus at pubs and clubs.

Oh, I wish we still had the laugh reaction.

Yes because all teens not at boarding school in year 12 are roaming the streets necking vodka and shouting 🙄.

Smugly both ours are / were lovely and by this age were broadly self policing. I would have been really sad not to have them living at home in the 6th form - bad enough they move out for university would hate to bring that forward.

I have a year 12 with similar curfews. She would also never go out every week day until 10pm, she has too much work. On the weekends, if she goes out with her friends in Central London we do relax it to 12, but they all come home together. All her friends ‘parents are similar - same wavelength here.

YANBU at all OP

Who said anything about throwing your weight around? If the teenager is not happy about the curfew then the time to discuss is BEFORE they go out. Not go out do what the hell they like without keeping in touch and ignoring their curfew. There is no room for discussion after they have proven they cannot be trusted. There would be no negotiation if they were so disrespectful as to a) ignore the agreed time to be home and b) didn’t keep in touch. If there going to be late common courtesy is to let you know as soon as possible. Not doing so just destroys trust.

@TheaBrandt1 Yup! I’m much more relaxed that boarding suited us all. No rows about curfews etc. Overall not needed. Makes no difference if you smugly have them at home - it’s the DC and their respect for you that matters. But not worrying about weekdays had its merits.

What is he doing while he's out?
It's a horrible world out there, I think op is right to be concerned .