For refusing DS to stay at his mate’s after missing curfew again??

[Alphane]

Right so this might be long but I don’t want to drip feed. DS (16) has got into a habit of staying out later and later. We have always said 10pm school nights, 11pm weekends, I don’t think that’s unreasonable. Last night he strolled in gone midnight, no text, nothing, and then had the cheek to say he’s staying over at his mate’s tonight.

I’ve said no. He’s sulking, calling me controlling, saying all his mates get to do what they want. DH says I should let it go as “he’s nearly an adult” but he’s still in school, he still lives here and IMO he’s not mature enough to be making those decisions.

Before anyone judges I’m not precious about him having independence. He goes to football, cinema, Nando’s, all that. I just think if he can’t stick to basic rules then why should he get extra privileges. Also worth saying DS (14) and DD (10) see all this and I don’t want them thinking rules don’t matter.

I know some will say pick my battles but I am just fed up of always being the bad guy while DH shrugs. AIBU to stick to my guns and not let him stay out?

All my dc at age 15+ stayed out until after 11on Fri/Sat. Parties didn't really get going until later.

So why is it your way is the only way? He has 2 parents why do you get to dictate?

@Alphane I’m totally with you. But this is Mumsnet where you are supposed to abandon all parenting from the moment they start high school 😂
Meanwhile in the real world my 16 year old ds (year 12 at school like yours) also has similar curfews, 10pm on a school night, and we wouldn’t allow that every night, 11pm on a weekend. If he flouted that we would make it earlier! He is also an independent confident boy who travels around on his own, visits mates in London regularly (2 hours away). We don’t have any big fights about rules because he understands the reason for them, yeah we grumbles but all teens grumble. So basically yes give him the consequence and explain that if he keeps to the curfew in future then this won’t happen again. He’s two years away from being an adult, a lot of maturing happens in the next two years.

I think you’re choosing the wrong hill to die on here. He’s almost grown, so long as he is a good person, trying hard in school and not bringing trouble to your door I would ease up and speak to him like an adult rather than try to impose arbitrary curfew rules at this age.

I think I'd sit him down & say OK, you get it that he might want to stay out later/stay over with mates at the weekend sooooo...that can be agreed, but on condition that:
a) if plans change after he's left the house, he sends a message stating what he's up to BEFORE 11, ie crashing at Jack's place/getting a lift home by 1am/will be ubering home late late etc etc
b) school night curfew is respected & adhered to.

This works well with my 17yo dd, tbh.

Oh & if you're trying to stop him sleeping with his gf...nope, a curfew won't do it!

But I'd probably make him grovel for tonight's sleepover - he had you worried last night, that's out of order & he needs to acknowledge that & apologise.

10pm on a week night sounds pretty normal.
11pm at weekends is very early. The issue with bus etc… is up to him to sort out. My DCs slept at each other houses, taxi, car (one person stays sober and drives), walked.

The not going out to a friend… the issue with it is that at 16 going on to 17yo, punishments are long past their sell by date.
And insisting to aplly said punishment is likely to create the opposite you want to achieve - he is going to rebel against what he thinks is deeply unjust. You just need to see his reaction now.

Year 12
11 pm hometime at weekends
that sucks
ease up and be realistic

My friend has strict curfews for her DC and homework schedules and generally very controlling
Her DC went away for Uni and very rarely go home

What would a 16 year old boy need to be doing that late at night if not hanging around the streets?

At a mate’s/party/gathering or maybe spending time with his g/f? Many parents complain that they’d rather their kids had an ‘in person’ social life, rather than be alone in their rooms, gaming, so, that’s what it would look like for the majority of 16 yr old boys, especially 6th formers.. You can’t have it both ways! Or maybe some parents prefer them to be indoors, gaming, because at least they know where they are….

Can I just ask what they’re doing and where they are at night when they are 16? Are they always at friends houses? If that is the case I wouldn’t be concerned at late nights but if they are just ‘out’ I would be.

I always think with rules you need to think why you have them.

So why the 11pm curfew at weekends? He's young, a later night won't hurt him. If it's because he's falling behind on his studies, then focus on that.

If it's for reasons of safety, then your "rule" should be that you need to know where he is and whether he'll be home late. Talk it over with him. Get him to agree to rules that are sensible (for both parties). Explain concerns about safety and you don't want him wandering around on his own late a night. At the moment he resents the curfew so he's just doing what he wants. You need to come up with a mutual agreement.

You also need to think that in 2 years time he might be living independently. Where's the point you go from strict curfews to he can do what he want?

11pm curfew when at a mates at a weekend? Ouch!

Sorry op youre being massively unreasonable about this. He'll be ridiculed.

By sixth form, mine were just letting me know what they were up to out of courtesy and I did the same.

They were always respectful and considerate but they didn't ask permission, they didn't have curfews and I didn't ground them.

We operated the Cinderella rule - everyone was home by midnight unless they'd let someone know they wouldn't be and that applied to all of us.

Er, he's still a child.

I agree with your curfew times!

But just out of interest, when does he get money from to go out? How is getting home?

MN would have you believe that boys are adults at 16 and almost ready to move out and live alone!!

All of this.

When I was 16 I could come in at any time I liked at the weekend. I didn't have a curfew in the week but would come in early enough anyway because of college. My children didn't have a curfew either, one doesn't go out much but the other used to stay out late. I insisted on a text if he wasn't going to be back by a certain time otherwise I would worry.
I think it's reasonable to have a conversation about week days because he has to get up for school and he might disturb other people.

I don't understand the logic of wanting him home early because he has a girlfriend.
I'm pretty sure that when my children were in year 12 they stayed out as long as they wanted at the weekends. They both did well at school and have professional jobs now.

I also think it would be quite hard for him to say he has to go home at 11 if his friends are staying out.

My 16 year old can stay out as long as she likes as long as I know where she is and the expected time she’s coming home. If the time changes, I expect a text. So far that’s worked well. I think you’re setting yourself up for problems if you insist on setting strict time limits.

What might a 16 year old be doing but hang around the streets?

At a mate's house
Cinema
Bowling alley/arcade
McDonalds

An 11pm curfew is hardly going to stop a 16 (and perfectly legal) year old having sex 🤣

At 16 I was in full time work and basically living an entirely independent life. Paid rent, paid my own transport costs and food contributions...a curfew at that age would have been so baffling to me.
That said, he shouldn't be marching in waking up an entire household at 3am. I'd expect him to be quiet and respectful of a home shared with others. I honestly don't see an issue with him staying at a mates over the weekend. Is it having an effect on his school performance?

When he's 18 you want him to walk away and not come back right?! The only reason a 16 year old should have a curfew at weekends is if he can't come back with respect for sleeping family! Are you really doing this for your child's good or because you can't be bothered to explain to your younger children the really simple fact that they have different rules because they are younger.

@Alphane I think the issue is more the lack of respect vs the actual curfew.

I'd sit him down as an "adult" and talk to him. If he wants to be treated like an adult, he needs to behave like one e.g. letting you know when he is coming home. If you asked him to be in by 11pm (a bit early on a weekend for a Y12!!) but he didn't bother letting you know he was coming back later, then that's rude and immature.

I assume he now pays for his own stuff (phone, clothes etc...) and has a job too? Helps out round the house? Or is he one of these kids that wants the independence to do what they like but expects mummy and daddy to pay for everything?!?

You need to sit down with your DH and your son and agree what is acceptable.