To be livid with father in law

[Brightside88]

I’m open to being told I’m being a bitch to be honest because I don’t know if I’m being rational or not.
I’ve had a very unsettling week - met up with my mother for the first time in 6 years and it’s stirred up lots of anxiety. My nerves are fried, I feel like I’ve had adrenaline pumping round my body since the weekend.

Anyway we get to Thursday. My one day of the week I can work at home in peace. Both kids are at school, husband at work. Plan was to do my admin in silence and recuperate a bit.

Get a text from father in law at 11ish. “Hi is it ok if I come round and cut the grass?” This isn’t a job we’ve asked him to do. Over the summer he’s kind of taken it upon himself to come and do it. We dont particularly see eye to eye my father in law and I. He’s very old school, traditional values. I’m uber independent, have done loads of the diy on my house myself, drive myself here there and everywhere. Been independent because I didn’t have my parents around.

Anyway I saw his message and to be honest I just ignored it. I thought I’d deal with it in an hour. Half an hour passes and he’s turned up, let himself into the house and started doing the grass.

I just feel livid. I feel like my personal space has been invaded. My choice to say no taken away from me. I feel powerless and like I have no control or say in my own life.

I feel like I’m projecting a lot of my feelings from meeting up with my mother into this situation which is why I’m worried my reaction isn’t proportionate but I’m just so angry.

help!

Kindly @Brightside88 your choice to say no wasn't taken away; you decided not to respond. If you'd felt so strongly, why didn't you respond and say no. Presumably your FIL just thought he was doing something nice, and wouldn't have known you didn't want him there.

I don't understand why you are livid, you must have allowed him to cut the grass and happy with it ? The man was just offering you can say not today Fil can't you ? His views are really irrelevant tbh you just need to let him have his "traditional POV" and do your own thing .

Do you think you are still fizzing after meeting your mum it sounds like it.

Should have said 'No' then.

I’m a bit on the fence.

Whilst you obviously have the right to say no to anyone coming and cutting your grass, you didn’t say no. Ignoring it probably wasn’t the best course of action.

I disagree: there's no way anybody should be letting themselves into someone else's house without express permission. He knows this, hence the "request", which as you saw was simply notification.

Ideally you should ask him wtf are you doing here, you gave me the fright of my life (in a nicer way, obvs)? I'd also say I hadn't seen the text yet because I'm working. However, today isn't the day because you're on edge.

Let it drop this time. Calm down. After a week or so, then tell him that you're not ok with him letting himself into your house like this.

Just keep the door locked in future.
Send him round to cut my grass, please.

Kindly, you are being unreasonable, but you know that. He gave you the chance to say it wasn’t convenient, and you didn’t respond. He was trying to do a nice thing.

Unless there’s masses of missing background of course.

I think you realise your feelings about your mother are the issue but perhaps just aren’t ready to unpack all that right now.

Well done for realising you might not be being rational. That’s half of the battle won.

He should have waited for a response not just decide by himself.

You did nothing so he came round.

How did he let himself in?

You had a choice to say no and didn’t take it.

my in laws have their own key

You may be projecting, but I can understand the annoyance. I wouldn’t want someone to show up when I haven’t given an answer to a message.

If you text someone and they don’t answer back, surely you should either wait for an answer or not do whatever at all, especially when they never asked you to do xyz in the first place.

Why does he want to mow your lawn so bad?

He absolutely should have waited for a response. No response is not an agreement to go ahead and do something because he is probably bored and a bit interfering.

If you don't want him cutting your lawn then tell him.

Otherwise he thinks he's doing a kindly dad/father-in-law task.

I think you are raw emotionally from what must have been a momentous event. Possibly deflecting your anger onto FIL because he irritates you abit. So I'd to tempted to give myself a little hug and shake and let angst with FIL go for now and be extra kind to myself whilst working through emotions.

Does he normally just do the grass when you are out ? So letting himself in.

I think that because this is something he’s been doing over the summer (presumably with no request from you to stop?), I can see why he assumed it was ok.

If he’d never done it before, I’d say he should have waited for an answer.

If it bothers you so much, why did you let him do it all summer?

You gave no response and a lot of people take that as a yes. With him, you probably have to deliberately opt out and say no, today isn't a good day.

A horror story in one sentence.

Can you get the key back from them? Say it invalidates your home insurance or something.

I understand completely.
My own late FIL once let himself in and woke me up. It was 10 am..........I had just come off a run of 6 nightshifts .
We took the keys off him.
He had left a message on the answering machine ( which I had slept through) but because no one got back to him he came anyway. Massive violation.

I think you're being unreasonable. He's obviously perfectly used to coming round and doing jobs for you including cutting the grass. He doesn't have to do that. He was being nice not nasty.

I have no family on my side either and that would make me livid. Must be a thing. We get so used to autonomy.

I think if someone’s overstepping we see it so clearly, where most people just take it as part of life because they’re used to it.

I think because I’m a massive people pleaser to the point it makes me ill with stress worrying I’ve upset or said the wrong thing. If I’d said “no” I’d have beaten myself up about it so I was just giving myself some time to come up with a reason why today wasn’t a good time.
It feels like he just bulldozes his way in anyway because he has no concept of what it’s like to struggle with mental health and maybe need a day to myself.
he’s very interfering and I’ve worked hard over the last few months to keep healthy boundaries but today feels like a failure

I would assume he thought you were out since you didn't reply so just carried on, not realising that 1) You were in. 2) You were in no mood for visitors.
And 3) That you didn't want him to cut the grass.

why has he even got a copy of your key?????